100 pounds post-op!

It is official.... I am now 100 pounds down post-op (177 total). It has been 17 weeks since I had my surgery and my eyes are filled with tears of joy. I would have never thought I would be where I am today. The weight has come off pretty quickly although I do have days and even weeks where I don't lose and sometimes I feel like I see the same number too often but 100 pounds in 17 weeks is absolutely amazing. Even more amazing is 177 pounds total. I've lost an "average" sized human.


I must admit this has been a roller coaster for me. Right after the surgery I would wake up every morning for about 3-4 weeks and wonder if I did the right thing and would sometimes wake up with regret. Looking back what I realize was that I was having a hard time dealing with all of the changes. My mind and my insides weren't connecting. My mind was still back in the unhealthy, OMG this is not enough food Shanda. The healthy Shanda was very upset with the unhealthy Shanda and so there was a war. There were consequences of the war which was lots of throwing up, nausea, some pain and lots of frustration but in the end healthy Shanda has won. Unhealthy Shanda will rear her head on occasion but overall I think she is dying. She is melting away revealing the healthy Shanda.


I can't believe how much my mind has changed along with my taste buds. When I had my surgery they only rearranged my insides ( have the scars to prove it) they didn't do brain surgery nor did they alter my taste buds although those have definitely changed. Once my brain caught up and connected to the new healthy Shanda things have been a lot easier. I don't have unhealthy cravings. I strongly believe it is due to the detox of sugar. Sugar is very bad and I remember the first few weeks when I did without it, I really did feel like I should be in rehab. Sugar was my drug of choice and I remember crying, yelling, getting depressed and just an overwhelming fear for those first two weeks. Now I don't care about sugar and I definitely don't crave it like I used to. In fact I've had sugar free candy and it tastes okay but definitely not something I need daily. Occasionally a piece is okay but chocolate isn't really appealing to me. I know... I'm weird. Chocolate used to be a favorite of mine... I mean I am a girl... of course it is. But not any more. I've totally detached myself from food. Nothing ever sounds good, I'm never hungry and when I do eat and I eat only because I know I need to nourish my body. I no longer run to food when feeling sad, happy, angry, depressed, etc. I've learned to reward myself in ways other than foods.


So for instance, to reward myself for 100 pounds post-op I am going all out and pampering myself. I'm getting nails back on (something that used to make me feel really good about myself before), pedicure and in a few weeks I have a 2 hour massage scheduled. There is no amount of food that could make me feel as good as pampering myself makes me feel. If I am feeling down I turn to a friend, journal, play a game, read a book or listen to music which are just a few coping skills I've enjoyed. Again, these fulfill me more than food would. Food was a temporary fulfillment that turned into a downward spiral of regret and frustration. The other things fulfill me without having a downward spiral. It is so amazing how much food really controlled my life. I was in complete ultimate denial that I was in control of food. Quite the contrary is what I have learned. 


With all of this said I am not perfect. There are times where I think about food and then think about the consequences. Due to the consequences (throwing up) I have not yet chose to indulge in food. This surgery really has changed my life. I know at least think about it before just indulging. It is like I was replaced by a totally different person. I am so proud of myself but this time (versus last time when I lost 115 pounds) I am not cocky about it. My ego is completely out of the equation and I am focused on getting to my goal. Once I get to my goal then I continue to do what I am doing. Knowing this is a lifestyle change versus a "temporary diet" makes all the difference in the world. So many people go on "diets" and do lose weight but they get to their goal and don't know how to eat and function and so they gain all of their weight back. That is exactly what happened to me when I did medifast. It was a great program to help me lose weight. But once I went off of it I gained weight back (and fast) and then I was completely and utterly out of control. I think if you are losing weight you need to find a lifestyle change. You need to find something that will help you lose weight but will also be something you can continue to do when you get to your goal. 


My next goal is 12.5 pounds away. I will then be at my 1/2 way point. Yes, it means I will be 1/2 way to my goal. I can't believe that is only 12.5 pounds away. With that said I know the reality of as I get closer to goal it will be harder and won't come off as fast is approaching. I still have a lot to lose but I'm thinking the last 100 pounds will be the hardest. But I am just living day by day eating right and exercising and it will come off one day or the next.


I must give thanks to all of you who have been supporting me through this process. There are many of you that have been following me since 2006 when I started medifast and your support then and now has really been my strength in all of this. It is amazing how much we can accomplish when we have people holding us up to reach our goals. I know for a fact I could not have gotten this far with all of your support. Whether it is those reading my blog, support on twitter or Facebook, those of you on my email list, my weight loss surgery group , friends at the gym, co-workers, friends or family your support has been helpful in my recovery and my success. I truly could not have done this alone. With all this said I look forward to sharing with all of you when I get to my 1/2 point in 12.5 pounds from now.