Ignorance is bliss or is it?

So they say that ignorance is bliss but I'm beginning to wonder if that is really true. The reason I say this is that I have been ignorant in regards to my health. As usual, I have let other things and/or people become priority and my health suffers. On paper everything is great (minus my weight) and I am truly grateful for that. All my blood works always comes back pretty good (with some deficiencies that a few vitamins can help) but I am not on any prescription drugs which is a blessing. I have all kind of excuses which are facts of what really happened but again I just allowed those things to be priority over my health is what it comes down to. I'm having to learn to love myself and make myself priority which is not a easy task from a people pleaser that would much rather make everyone else happy while I suffer. My suffering stems from the ability to be active. My knees and lower back are absolutely unhappy with me and it is affecting my ability to walk/stand. I'm in the process of trying to rule out Guillain-Bar syndrome or non traumatic spinal cord compression which are possibilities. 
So I've been tracking what I eat and although I eat about 1/2 as much as I did prior to surgery I'm still amazed at how many calories, fat, carbs etc. I'm still eating. So making more of a conscious effort to track what I eat and stay within certain ranges. Back to drinking protein shakes to help cut back calories and increase my protein. My husband and I really don't eat "bad" (he's type II diabetic) but it just surely adds up. He's really into cooking a diabetic friendly meal which means low carb/sugar and that benefits me as well. We've really got into cauliflower rice in a big way. I've never been a big rice eater but we do eat cauliflower rice at least twice a week. We eat ground turkey mostly and then some chicken and fish. Ground turkey agrees with me more than the others do. Which brings me to another thing, I need to listen to my body (and if you are reading this, you need to listen to your body). Your body will tell you when something doesn't agree with it. Stop ignoring the signs and listen and try to replace those things with something else. My body does not like beef. I don't eat beef and if I do I know I have to eat it very slow (that is they only way I can eat it). I use a great app for bariatric patients but I'm telling you it is good for anyone because it gives you reports on what you ate in the last 30 days (highest in carbs, sugar etc or lowest in carbs, sugar etc) as well as exercise, water and just a lot of details. It is 15 pages of interesting stuff. The app is called Baritastic for those that want to use it (available on apple and android).
The other part of my issue has been exercise. I'll be honest I haven't found the right gym since I left the YMCA in Rancho Penasquitos/Encinitas. With my back/knee issues I need to use the pool. The pool needs to have stairs that I can go up and down. The last gym my husband and I joined had stairs so steep I could barely get into or out of the pool. My husband said it was hard for him too so we stopped going to that one. It is odd to build a pool with steep stairs being it is so slippery. Anyhow, so we have a few options we are working on. Our ideal is to buy a house and put a pool in but we aren't there yet (soon hopefully). Honestly, if I had a pool in my backyard I would exercise more often. I know people say that but I really do love it. I just have the embarrassment in public issue and the I don't want to fall and slip and slide and hurt myself issue. I really do love the pool though.
In one of my facebook groups I had posted asking for people who would like some more accountability in a small group form. I had 130+ people respond. So I created 6 groups of about 20ish people to connect and hold each other accountable. That felt good but now I have to put myself into one of those groups and get going on that. With that said my goal is to try to be more accountable to myself and posting on here. Even if no one reads it I have put it out there and someone "might" which is good enough for me. It won't be daily but maybe weekly, semi-weekly or no less than monthly. 
Now I need to go get my vitamins ready for the week! Thanks for reading!

Commitment To My Health

Yes, I'm still alive and well. I sorta of went into hiding which is something I know from past history that is not a good thing to do. This last year I struggled in regards to my health. I just got so frustrated with the breakdown of my body despite losing a tremendous amount of weight. I've since realized that is the exact mindset that got me to my 550+ pounds and I cannot allow myself to go there again.

The surgery was successful; however, my mind has not been. People don't realize that having the surgery isn't like taking a magic potion and you are thin forever. It is a lot of hard work and dedication and, as I've always said, all about mindset. I've not regained all of my weight and not even 1/2 of what I've lost which is the good news. The bad news is I've regained approximately 75 pounds. I still have lost over 200 pounds which I still feel is victorious. I'm going to be realistic and say that my goal is to loose about another 130ish pounds to be at a goal that is good for me. It isn't a goal that was approved by my doctor but a goal that I feel will be good for me considering the skin I still have to deal with (and it does weigh something). Of course, when I get to that goal I can always change my mind if I feel like I can and should lose more weight but I feel like it is more realistic for me. I've come to realize I will probably not be one of those people who lose weight and become thin forever. I don't think I'll ever be "thin" but the key to me is healthy and feeling good. I've noticed in gaining some weight my knees are really screaming at me. They definitely hurt more than they did 75 pounds ago. So it is yet another reason to get rid of the excess weight. 

I'm going to be doing a cleanse starting next week for 10 days and then for additional 14 days a strict diet. It isn't so much about the cleanse or diet as it is about the restrictions and discipline I need at the moment. I know it will make me feel good about myself to be able to do this and as a benefit I'm sure I will lose some weight which will help me kick off my health stewardship, once again. I will be cutting sugar out of my diet completely. I've done it once and I know I can do it again. I also know it is very hard for me since I am addicted to sugar and love all things (ok, most thing) sweet. The other thing that will be hard for me is coffee. I'm not going to have any coffee which is hard in that it is my comfort. Especially during the work week, I love my hot coffee. I love the taste and the comfort it brings me in the mornings as I don't do mornings well. It really isn't about the caffeine for me but truly just the habit and comfort. So I'm forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone which is always a good idea although something I rarely enjoy. I do have a back-up plan which is my herbal peppermint tea which I do enjoy tremendously. I'll also have to experiment with other herbal tea flavors (please respond below with any suggestions). 

Last year I also started my own business which was very stressful but a good decision. I have no regrets but getting into the swing of things and making my own business decisions was something I didn't consider. I have a OCD type personality when it comes to my work and I am really prideful as well which acts as a double whammy. This last year, I overworked myself and made no time for me, hubby or fun. So I need to learn to take care of me and balance it all. I need to remember that most things others won't know I didn't complete. I have always liked to stay somewhat near on track for my own peace of mind and have to learn to let things go if I'm not exactly near or on course as to where I'd like to be for work. I'm a super hard worker but I need to realize I need to make time for working out, eating healthy, family, friends and fun. I sort of lost all of that in my work. 

So I am going to try to get back on this blog to recommit myself and keep myself accountable. Please feel free to email or post a message if you don't hear from me. All of you mean a lot to me in keeping accountable.

Good night and HAPPY 2015!

Winners of the Valentines Candles & What are your hobbies?

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Last chance to win something for FREE!

Hi all,

So I am a bit disappointed that only a few people have entered to win my contest. Really? Something for free and no one wants to enter? Even if you don't like candles wouldn't it be nice to win something? Remember most of the ladies love candles (for you guys out there) so you can give them as a gift to a wife, girlfriend or co-worker. Trust me, I'm sure you will find someone who likes candles. It is easy to win and your chances to win are pretty high since not many people have entered.

Nothing says romance like candles! Enter to WIN Valentine Candles, just enter your name and email address below. The winner will be picked by a random number generator and winner will be notified via email. Winner has 24 hours to respond or a new winner will be chosen. Winner will get to choose either 4 votive candles or 8 tea light candles and a color and a choice of scent selected by me and made by yours truly (yes, that's me). Contest ends midnight on February 7, 2013. 

Please fill out your name and email address in the comments section below to be entered into the contest.

Do you want more chances to win? Please let me know in the comments section what you did so I can check and add your extra entries.

+1 entry (mandatory): enter name and email address below

+1 entry: Add me on Facebook (facebook.com/shanda.macomber)

+1 entry: Share the giveaway on Facebook

+1 entry: Follow me on Twitter @healthyshanda 

+1 entry:  Re-tweet the giveaway on Twitter

+1 entry: Follow me on Google+ (healthyshanda)

+1 entry: Post this contest on your blog

**Candles will be made within 48 hours from choice of candle scent, color and make. They will be shipped the week of Valentine's Day but are not guaranteed to be received by Valentine's Day.**

Raise Money for Healthy Shanda's Skin Removal Surgey

Hi all,
Well I am officially launching this thing. My goal is to raise $50,000 this years to help me pay for me skin removal. There are several ways you can help me.

1. Donate to the cause. You get a prize for donating too. Please go to (click on the link) Raise Money for Healthy Shanda's Skin Removal Surgery and you will then be able to donate any amount of money. Even $1 adds up!
2. Refer me someone that needs to buy or sell. I get paid a referral fee once the transaction closes and your name will be added as donating that referral fee amount. This "could" be thousand of dollars donated by you and you get all of the fabulous gifts that are listed on the following website  (click on the link) Raise Money for Healthy Shanda's Skin Removal Surgery.

If you have any questions please let me know. I have a big goal so please send my blog to everyone you know. It is truly appreciated!

On a personal note, I'm not losing any weight but I'm not gaining either. My weight is at a stand still right now. I'm really going to push my exercise up a notch and see if I can't get my body to start losing again. I know plateaus happen but I need to try everything I can and push through this. It isn't easy. There are times where my mind wanders to the past where I was so unhappy and I want to fall back into those old habits but then I remember just how miserable I was and how stressed out I was over the smallest things and I wake up from that nightmare and remember how far I've come and how I don't ever want to go back to that lonely and dark place.

I have come a long ways. I went to the San Diego Sports Arena (each year it gets a new name from whom ever sponsors it but it will always be called San Diego Sports Arena to me). Anyhow, it made me realize how far I've come. I was able to fit in the seats. The only issue was my long legs and nowhere to put my feet and a knee that needs replaced and doesn't end so well anymore. But that will get fixed in due time. It made me feel good to be able to go up and down the stairs without being out of breath too. I've definitely come a very long way and it feels good!

Enter to Win - Candles for Valentine's Day

Nothing says romance like candles! Enter to WIN Valentine Candles, just enter your name and email address below. The winner will be picked by a random number generator and winner will be notified via email. Winner has 24 hours to respond or a new winner will be chosen. Winner will get to choose either 4 votive candles or 8 tea light candles and a color and a choice of scent selected by me and made by yours truly (yes, that's me). Contest ends midnight on February 7, 2013. 

Please fill out your name and email address in the comments section below to be entered into the contest.

Do you want more chances to win? Please let me know in the comments section what you did so I can check and add your extra entries.

+1 entry (mandatory): enter name and email address below

+1 entry: Add me on Facebook (facebook.com/shanda.macomber)

+1 entry: Share the giveaway on Facebook

+1 entry: Follow me on Twitter @healthyshanda

+1 entry:  Re-tweet the giveaway on Twitter

+1 entry: Follow me on Google+ (healthyshanda)

+1 entry: Post this contest on your blog

**Candles will be made within 48 hours from choice of candle scent, color and make. They will be shipped the week of Valentine's Day but are not guaranteed to be received by Valentine's Day.**

Feeling Defeated But Looking at the Progress That Has Been Made

So there are there times where you feel defeated? Where you feel frustrated? You tried but it just isn't enough? That is how I felt Tuesday evening. I stayed at work late and didn't end up going to my workout. I came home and remembered that our complex has a gym that is free to us. So I told my husband I was going and he came along with me. I was excited for taking the initiative to do this because it was quite late and I could have easily done something else. I spent 5 minutes on the elliptical in immense pain. Then I tried the bike and the bike was worse actually. My knee is just not happy with the movement. It doesn't mind the exercise in the water (most of the time) but this other stuff -- no way. I felt defeated. I wanted to get a sweat going. I then decided to do some weights and ended up hurting my left arm lifting weights that were too heavy for me. I was feeling very defeated. But I am trying to stay positive and stay proud of myself for taking the initiative. It is the decisions in our life that lead us to the paths we are on. I am choosing to be on a healthy path which is a very positive thing for me.

I find it interesting how different my outlook is on life now versus a few years ago when I was at my lowest point. Things have changed tremendously and that I am grateful for. I'm thinking working my way into the elliptical is a possibility but I also know my knee is damaged (bone on bone) so I'm not really sure that there is such a thing as working into it in my circumstance. But I am not one to give up so I will try it again another time and see if I can stay on a little bit longer.

Life is good, pass it on!

Real Estate & Skin Removal Surgery Have Something In Common?

Hi all!

I have been brainstorming and I need your help. I haven't officially put anything together yet but will be working over the next few weeks on a plan and wanted to share with you now what I am working on.

I don't usually mix business with my personal life but at this point I sort of need to. I work in the Real Estate business and have my Real Estate license and I need skin removal. How are the two connected? Well, if you refer business to me, I get paid and I can pay for my skin removal. It is that EASY!

How does this referral fee thing work?
So, for example you are moving from North Carolina to Arizona. I refer you to an agent in North Carolina to sell your home and I refer you to another agent in Arizona to help you buy a home. I get two referral fees helping me with my skin removal surgery and you get two of the best agents in the area. Plus there may be another perk for YOU which I'm working on. That is one example but I can receive a referral fee no matter where you are moving. This referral fee is NOT paid by you. This is no cost to you and absolutely FREE to you.. The agent I refer you to pays me a percentage of their commission. Please don't forget about me!

What are the benefits of referring Real Estate business to Shanda?
Firstly, I have over 14 years in the business. So I have quite a bit of experience. My current day to day job title is Office Manager, Transaction Coordinator and Short Sale Negotiator. So basically my job is to facilitate the transaction (and paperwork) and make sure it closes! I help you out by overseeing  the transaction. This means keeping in touch with the agent I referred to you to make sure your (or your friends and family) transaction moves forward smoothly. If you have questions or concerns I'm always available. I will make sure you have the best Realtor in your area as I have a large network of different Realtors in every area. I also pre-screen Realtors for you. If you want a choice of two then I can interview them over the phone. Again this is FREE for you. If you are referring business within the San Diego area either myself or one of my associates will take care of you. I try to keep the process easy for you since it can be a stressful but rewarding process.

Again, I've never been one to promote my business to friends and family let alone people I barely know but I figure we all make a living and this is what I do and how YOU can help me in paying for my very expensive skin removal surgery. I have to ask at this point. So rather than asking you for money this is another way you can help donate money without paying a penny.

My plan is to meet with the plastic surgeon towards the end of the year and now I need to have my finances worked out by then that is why I am doing this now. Of course, this offer stands good FOREVER. I'm always grateful for Referrals!

I'm very scared and excited about this skin removal surgery. Everyone I talk to says it is very painful. I just hope I have good drugs to get me through the pain. Also I know pain is temporary. So I know it is one day at a time and at some point I will be pain free. But I am excited to have all this saggy skin removed so I can not only feel better about the way I look but be able to fit into clothes better. I have a very hard time finding clothes that fit because my waist is thin but my hips and stomach have so much skin that I need to accommodate  It gets very frustrating. I've never ever been one for plastic surgery but at this point it is necessary not only psychologically but also physically. I get rashes in between the folds of the hanging skin which is not pleasant. I'm sure some of you reading this can relate.

Please share this blog with anyone and everyone. The more the merrier! Also, continue to look for updates as I finalize my plans and what "prizes" you will get for referrals.

I'm hoping to have 300 pounds gone by the end of February. That is my goal so I am going to focus and commit to that! Thank you all for reading and for your support.

Warmest Regards,
Healthy Shanda

Reflecting on 2012; Looking forward to 2013

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

This time of year it is always good to reflect on the previous year. Both the good and the bad. What changes do I want to make? What do I want to be different? Customarily people do New Year's Resolutions but I feel like resolutions are quickly forgotten about 1/3 way through the year. I think goals are more realistic as it is something you can work toward through out the year. A resolution defined is a resolve or determination. Which is definitely needed. But a goal is the result or achievement in which effort (or resolve or determination) is directed. Very similar but still different.

December 2012 - approximately 290 pounds gone

In 2012 there were some things that I achieved and some others that I still have to work on this year. There are some things that are always a work in progress and sometimes a really hard work in progress. I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. I just want to be me but I want to be a healthy me. I also am hoping to inspire others so they don't get in the very depressed place that I was at my highest weight. I want them to know that there is hope if they are in that depressed place. It seems hard and sometimes it seems impossible but there is nothing you can't do as long as you put your mind to it along with some effort. 

Some things I achieved this last year (2012) are as follows (some may seem small to others but were big to me):

1. Loosing 292 pounds total and lost more than I weigh - That is something I didn't ever think I would achieve. I see others doing it and admired them so much. But now I am one of those people. I didn't have doubts in myself but that number is such a big number and can be quite frightening. This last year I've lost 90 pounds. My weight loss slowed down the last 6 months of the year but I also gained quite a bit of muscle (and muscle weighs more than fat) so I have to take that into consideration as well. I still can't believe I have lost more than I weigh. I am still not thin by any means and I still weigh quite a bit. But I've lost one of me. Even I am amazed at me but yet so proud of what I've been able to accomplish. 
2. Crossing my legs - I never ever thought that would be a big deal. It was on my goal list just to say I could do it but I haven't really done it most of my life so it wasn't really a big deal to me at that time. But now it is most comfortable and natural for me to cross my legs. I am shocked at how much of a big deal to me it has become and I feel so confident about it. So odd how things really affect us.
3. Getting to the 200's (pounds) - This was a big goal of mine since my goal weight is 200 pounds even. Getting into the 200's meant I had less than 100 pounds to lose. To some people that seems like a lot. But after loosing over 200 pounds it really seems much more doable to me. I do know that it will probably be much harder because the closer to your goal weight the harder it gets to lose the weight. But I am not going to quit fighting. This is a battle that I know I will be fighting my entire life. I know that when I get to my goal weight the war has not been won. It just mean the war has just begun. I am determined to win this war though and with determination I know a lot can be achieved.
4. Walking / exercising more - At my highest weight of 579 pounds walking was a chore and it was a big chore. Add to that the fact that I was bone on bone in my left knee (at the time I didn't know that). So walking was PAINFUL. I didn't want to get up ever because just getting up was painful. But now that I've lost some weight my knees are much happier. Now that isn't going to change the fact that I need a total knee replacement on my left knee. Also, I'm still in pain but the pain is much less with 1,172 pounds of pressure off of my knee (4 pounds per every pound of weight lost). I have good days and bad days which is much better than before when everyday was a bad knee day. This was the first time I've actually calculated the pressure off my knee and it is quite an astounding number. No wonder I'm able to walk better! But I can say my knee does hold me back from walking and exercising as much as I want to. I can't walk as far as I'd be able to without being in extreme pain. So I just stay grateful for what I can do and hopefully as I lose weight I can do a little bit more and when I get my knee replacement... WATCH OUT WORLD... I'm going to really WALK A LOT! I am still in my routine of doing water aerobics though. I do that about 3 times per week. We added two new members to our family this year (dogs) which really forces me to walk (we don't have a backyard so forced to constantly walk them). They have been a blessing in regards to exercise (and in many other ways which I will talk about later on). I started seeing a trainer in March of 2012 and she has really helped me build some muscle and gain some confidence in the way I move. Ann Rockeman at Integration Fitness in San Diego has really helped me to gain muscle so that I can burn that fat quicker. Not only that but has helped me to move in ways I didn't think were possible. I think everyone needs to hire a trainer when they are losing weight just to give them the confidence to do more and better. But not only that the muscle helps to burn fat which helps with the results we want. Plus muscle does look much sexier than fat or saggy skin. Saggy skin is still an issue for me but I know it would look much worse than it doesn't if it weren't for the building up of muscle. I sit here sore from my workout with my trainer yesterday but I am reminded I am alive. Although being sore isn't fun being sore helps me remember that I'm moving my muscles and body in ways I'm not used to. It also means creating of more muscle which means more fat burned and that I am grateful for. I jokingly complain about it but I truly am grateful for being sore. At my highest weight I didn't get sore much (other than my knee) because I couldn't move. Now I am so grateful to be moving!
5. Adding two new members to the family (dogs) - Yes, we weren't expecting to do this but it just sort of happened. We adopted two dogs in July from Rancho Coastal Humane Society. We adopted Scrappy who is a 7 year old male Corgi/Terrier/Lab mix. He is a really good dog and really loves to play ball and actually his life mostly revolves around the ball. He has recently become much more of a cuddler as well and I think it is just because he is finally adjusting to his new home. The second member to our family is Chloe who is a 7 year old female Lemon Beagle. They call it a Lemon due to her coloring (I never knew that or heard of it until we got her and they are the rarest type of Beagle). Although Chloe is a Beagle she is actually quite good compared to the stereotypes of that of a Beagle. She is a princess for sure. She LOVES nothing more than to cuddle up to me or my husband. She has anxiety issues when we leave that we are still working on. She loves to bark at other dogs when they are playing as if to say "Can't we all just get along". We really don't know why she barks but my husband and I joke about it. She is quite shy around other dogs but with Scrappy around she is starting to come around a little bit. Adopting older dogs makes it hard in that you don't know what their environment was previously and they take some time to adapt to their new environment. Took some time for us to adjust too because we have 2 cats who are so much easier to take care of than the dogs. But we are finally all synced together I think. They have brought so much joy to our lives already and we look forward to many more years with them. The cats have done much better with them around than I expected. They don't love the dogs but the cats aren't afraid to jump up in our lap with the dogs around which is great. We still love the cats as well and are so grateful that they are so easy to take care of.
6. Fitting in chairs - This is a biggie for me. My entire morbidly obese life I have stressed about social situations. I have to sit (I couldn't stand because the pain on my knees was too much) and finding chairs that were sturdy to hold my weight and big enough to fit in (arms of the chairs got in the way) was one of the top things I stressed about being morbidly obese. One shouldn't have to stress about something as simple as sitting down but I was. I learned this year that the stress was also passed on to my husband. He told me he was worried about me breaking the chair and hurting myself and/or being embarrassed  So he would scan where ever we went to look for the most solid chair that I would fit in. It really upset me when I found this out because my weight was really affecting others. It is one thing when it affects you but it started to cause undue stress on his life as well which was so selfish of me. I'm so grateful for #RiverMacomber and his support. Now I am happy that I don't even think about this. I fit in chairs. Some are tighter than others as I still have large hips and thighs but I fit. No more worries or stress about going out in public. 
7. Socializing & going out in public - I had another fear of socializing and going out in public due to my size. Most people judge on physical appearance and I was so self conscious about it that I tried to avoid most social situations. I'm trying to be more social and I have been but it is still a hard one for me. I know people still judge which doesn't help but I am also shy when meeting with people as well. I always have been and am just not that social person that I envy. I think a lot of people may also take me wrongly due to it. They could easily see me as "stuffy", "snobby" or for a lack of a better word a "bitch". People that really know me know that I am a nice person and very non-judgmental but I struggle with feeling comfortable around people. Again, I consider this an achievement because I'm not totally avoiding social situations but it is still a work in progress.

Goals for 2013

Here are some of my goals for 2013:

1. Reach my goal weight - Yes, this will be a biggie for me. I think I can do it although I know it will be a lot of work. I consider my goal weight (with my skin) to be about 250 pounds. With skin removed that will make me about 230-210 pounds which will make me ultimately 10-30 pounds from my goal weight. But I don't know how much skin there is to be removed and I want to get to 250 which is when my doctor will refer me to the plastic surgeon. I am hoping some form of miracle will happen in terms of being able to afford it. It can be very expensive and I can't financially afford it right now. I know there are payment plans available to those that qualify (I should be able to qualify) but then I worry about the payments. The payments will probably be that of a car payment (if not more). But I have faith that God will provide and make it all happen somehow. My angel will show up.
2. Reach out and inspire/talk to others - This is really big for me. I really want to help others. My heart is really set on that. I want to talk to people and coach them along the way. I want people to know they aren't alone. This goes for anything though not just weight loss. The principals apply for any kind of addiction whether it is alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, etc. I know some people say food isn't an addiction. I strongly disagree. I used food the way everyone else abuses drugs or alcohol etc. I know I've heard of many people inspired by me but I want to talk to these people. I want to make a difference. I want to help people walk through the entire experience. So please feel free to reach out to me by email or give others my blog that you think could benefit from my story. I think the best part of achieving something is being able to help others in the process.
3. Continue to push myself in regards to walking/exercise - I want to really push myself this year. I need to lose this weight and getting closer to my goal I know that exercise will be extremely helpful in achieving this goal. Walking even more is going to be my goal but I am not going to put myself in immense pain either (knee). If that doesn't work then I will definitely be going to water aerobic classes more often.
4. Continue socializing - I'm going to continue to push myself to socialize and meet new people. Also to find some new friends. I have several friends but a lot of them live in another state and the ones that live here are busy with their lives and different lifestyles. I really am best with having a small tight group of friends. I'm sure it will come as I know I'm not a horrible person but I need to open up more which is going to be a challenge for me but I know I can do it!
5. Be grateful - I am very grateful for everything but this year I am going to work on being even more grateful. I have so much to be grateful for and I am often taking advantage of it.  

Life has treated me very well lately. My life hasn't been all bad, I've just had some really dark parts of my life but I am now really seeing the light and understanding how life is meant to be lived. It is meant to be lived to the fullest and enjoying each and everyday as it comes. I am very grateful for what I've learned on this journey. I know that this journey isn't over though...it has barely just begun.

I am Shanda and this is my journey.

My makeover has been uploaded!

Finally, the makeover I did in April is up on YouTube. I am actually surprised at the makeover they chose to post. I thought for sure they would post my 1st makeover as that is the one I got the most compliments on. But maybe they are going to at a later date (who knows). In any event it was fun to see this. Enjoy and please give your feedback!

P.S. I know I have posted in a long time. I will be working on a new post soon. I've been on vacation and just came back yesterday so I'm playing catch up.

Thank you all for the support and cheering me on!!

I've reached the 200's!

First of all, I want to apologize to those of you that follow my blog and don't follow me on Facebook. I don't post on my blog as often as I'd like due to time constraints but on Facebook I do post updates more often. So please add me as a friend on facebook.

Well the big update (for those that don't already know) is that I FINALLY have a 2 in my weight. That is right. the first number is a 2, meaning I am in the 200's! As of this morning I was 294 (total of 285 pounds lost)! I am so amazed that I am so close to my goal weight. I know 94 pounds doesn't seem so close but if you take into consideration that there is skin that needs to be removed (20-40 pounds worth) then I'm looking at closer to around 50-75 pounds until my goal weight. I reached the 200's on Tuesday, October 2nd. Definitely a date I will remember. I reached the 300's on November 17th so it took about 11 months for me to lose this last 100 pounds. I know my last 50-75 pounds are going to be even harder but I know I can do it.

I've come so far in such a short amount of time and I have a hard time recognizing myself. I know my brain needs to catch up to my physical appearance and I'm allowing time for that to happen. But it is not just the physical it is also things such as crossing my legs, fitting into chairs, walking for some distance and not being out of breath. I can do all of these things now. My knee does hold me back from being able to walk as long as I'd like or being able to stand for long periods of time but there is significant improvement that is for sure.

I know there are some people that think I will gain it back. But for the first time I know I won't gain it back. I finally have the lifestyle change that I needed. I know I never won't to go back to that scary dark place. My life now is much more full of fun and life. I am so active now so I don't get much time to write my blogs. But I consider this a blessing. My blogs are good and I love to share with you all but really living life is what I need to do and I need to catch up since I've missed out on so much it seems. 

So this post is short and sweet because I need to go to bed. I am treating myself tomorrow for reaching the 200's. I don't treat myself with food anymore. Instead it is massages and spa packages. I'm going to Glen Ivy tomorrow and I'm getting a 80 minute body wrap and massage along with a pedicure. I'm also going to be dipping in the mud baths and into some of the mineral water. It should be a fun day of pampering which I deserve!

Remember to be nice to yourself. Treat yourself how you would treat your best friend because you should be your own best friend!

Moving My Body

Well it has been awhile since I've blogged. I have been busy. As I reflect over the past year so much has changed. I remember a time when there was a ton of time. I couldn't move much so I sat in my bed or on the couch with little movement. Now I am rarely home and always on the move. I've been in bed sick (sore throat) for the last 24+ hours and I can't stand not being active. I really have realized just how far I've come in such a short amount of time. My trainer took some pictures of me in action and in looking at them I realize how far I've come. I couldn't move like that even a year ago. I definitely couldn't get down on my knees and there I am on my knees. I couldn't lift very much either and now I'm lifting 20 pounds in each arm. It  never ceases to amaze me just how far I've come. I would have thought you were crazy if someone told me 18 months ago what was in store for me. I didn't realize what I was missing out on. Life can be so good and the food and extra weight (or the thing we are drowning our sorrows in) can really blind us. I had just about given up hope. I was at the rock bottom and somehow I was able to dig myself out from under the bottom to being on top. I am on top and I will never allow myself to go there again. I am so grateful to all of you as your support helps keep me "in-check". 

As far as weight-loss goes it is up and down right now. But I am focusing on the inches and the last time I checked a few weeks ago it was about 9 inches down in a total of 6 weeks. I will be happy once I am in the 200's which is so close yet so far away. My weight loss has definitely slowed down so this is where the real hard work comes into play. I have a little over 100 more pounds to go to be at my goal weight. I was told I could have upwards of 45 pounds of extra skin. I really think it is closer to 20 pounds but won't really know until I meet with the plastic surgeon for a consultation which won't be until the end of the year.

I am hanging in there and continuing to fight everyday for my health. I hope you fight for your health too! I encourage you to find a buddy to move with. It will help keep you accountable. Also, find something you enjoy doing so it isn't such a "chore". Also, a personal trainer can help you to get stronger and move more and give you the confidence to be able to do it. I don't have much confidence to do some of the exercises but my trainer gives me that confidence which really makes a difference.

Lots lost but much more gained!

I'm back.... yes, I don't blog quite as often as I would truly like. Life gets in the way. To be honest though it is much better than being pretty much bedridden. I remember those days well because they weren't that long ago. Yes, I was able to move but it just hurt too much to move. So most weekends and nights were spent at home in bed or on the couch. Now I am hardly ever home just sitting around. I'm much more active because I can walk and I can move. I can do so much more and life feels so much more worth living for. I didn't realize how depressed I was. Sometimes it takes change to make you realize just exactly how bad things were. I've enjoyed the changes that have happened. My husband and I go grocery shopping together and I can actually do it. I have to admit towards the end my knee(s) are aching but at least I'm able to walk around and do it! We have been camping a lot because I can! Although, we haven't gone much this month. There is a lot of other things going on. The biggest thing is that I'm not afraid to get out of the house. I now realize I had a fear of leaving the house. Not necessarily to go to work but to go anywhere else. I just got stressed thinking about "what if" scenarios. I couldn't walk far so I had to be sure to park close and then walking around would only be a few minutes before I was in so much pain I had to sit down. The other stressful scenario was if there would be chairs I could fit into and most of the time there wasn't. I just recently learned that my husband was also burdened thinking about those types of things for me. We would go to a restaurant (or somewhere that we had to sit down) and he would scan the restaurant for a chair that I would fit into and a chair that was sturdy. His biggest fear was that I would break a chair and I would be so embarrassed. So my weight really impacted him which I feel badly about. It is one thing to burden myself but quite another to burden the ones I love.


So with that said I've accomplished some non-scale victories. The biggest one for me was being able to get down on the ground and get up without hurting myself. In fact I was even able to get up without even struggling much to get up. I was also able to get on my knees. It hurt a little bit but I was able to do it. I was super scared though because I imagined my 579 pound body getting down on my knees rather than my new 310 pound body. Yes, it is still a lot of weight but it is definitely significantly less. My brain still hasn't really embraced that yet. I think it has been such a short amount of time that I have lost so much weight and my brain only can process that sort of change slowly. So my other non-scale victory was to put on a dress and skirt without feeling "fat". I actually felt "girlie" which is a first in a very long time. The only time my husband has seen me in a dress was on our wedding night so as you can tell it has been a very long time since I've even put on a dress. 


So going back to the part that my brain hasn't caught up. I find myself looking at a picture of me thinking "gosh she looks good" and then I catch myself and realize I thought "she" instead of "I". I do that quite often and it is a bit odd to me. Or I will be told that I'm an inspiration and then I want to say "who me????". I think I am too humble to take credit for it all. Or maybe it has to do with my self-esteem. In any event it is something I know I need to work with my therapist on.


I still am amazed about how much extra weight really can alter your life. Even 50 pounds ago I wasn't able to do what I am now and I am sure 50 pounds from now I will be saying the same thing.


So I wanted to share a few quick facts about my journey of health.
Total pounds lost: 269
Starting BMI: 76.4
Current BMI: 40.9
Starting Weight: 579 pounds
Current Weight: 310 pounds
Goal Weight: 200 pounds
So much lost but much more gained including my health and my life!

One Year Surgiversary...A Reflection of the Last Year

I just recently celebrated my one year surgiversary (on June 14th). It was one year ago that I went and had my guts rearranged without knowing what the outcome would be. It was something that I didn't take lightly. I researched for several years contemplating if this was the right choice for me. I also did a lot of praying about it. I'm not a religious person but I am very spiritual. I came to realize that you really don't know the answer until you go through with it. But I felt at ease going through with it so I knew that was my sign that it was right for me. I had no idea if I was going to have a hard time or an easy time. Everything was unknown which was the scary part. I hoped to have a easy time and for the most part I did. The first three months there was a lot of throwing up going on. I really learned that I had to listen to what my body did and didn't like and how I felt when I was full and that just one more bite could make the difference of throwing up or not.


In one year I lost 184 pounds. That is remarkable, in my opinion. My surgeon seems to think so too. He even gave me a big hug because he was so excited for me. As of my surgiversary date I had lost a total of 260 pounds total. That is such a huge number and really is hard to fathom I've done all of that hard work. Every ounce of blood, sweat and tears contributed to that weight loss. Lots of decisions were made as well. A decision to eat this and not that, definitely lots of those types of decisions.


So much has changed in just one year. I don't depend on my husband to do as much for me. I was so heavy and being that I was bone on bone in my left knee... just standing hurt let alone walking a step or two. So it was hard for me to get up and do things for myself. Now I get up and do things for myself even when my knee (or now my back) are hurting. The pain will always hurt but it is much different with 260 pounds off of my knees (which is 1,040 pounds reduction in pressure in my knees). I am so much more mobile and aren't stressing out in almost every situation like I was previously. I'm not as worried about fitting in chairs as most chairs that I sit in I can fit with ease. I don't worry about being able to walk around as I know I can walk around (but still can't walk all day). I will take the improvement I do have though. I'm sure once I have my knee replacement things will change for the better (was I recover).


I feel different. I feel so thankful to be alive. I feel like living life instead of dreading life. My outlook is so much more positive. I actually can look in the mirror and find myself attractive and love myself. That has been lots of therapy though. I even am learning to love all of the imperfections. I won't ever be perfect so I am acting me how I am. Again, it has been a work in progress. I can now cross my legs and am quite comfortable when doing it. I can see my clavicle bones (collar bones) in my chest which is surprising since I still have 115 (as of today) more pounds to lose.


The other good news is that my surgeon, my doctor and I are all on the same page in regards to a goal weight. That is a miracle in itself because my goal weight is higher than the BMI charts. My doctor told me that the BMI charts don't take into consideration muscle mass or bone density (which I knew) so they aren't accurate for someone who has some muscle (me) and big boned (me). But I was thrilled with that and that I don't have some unreasonable expectations.


With the weight loss has come all sort of other issues. I'm having hormone issues (big time), back issues and a few other things that are a result of the weight loss. But in the scheme of things I am happy to have my health back and I'm probably the healthiest I've ever been in my entire life. It feels so great!


I really encourage others to find support in what ever it is that you are trying to do. There is nothing worse than feeling alone and like you are the only one on the journey. I'm talking whether it is weight loss, smoking, alcohol...anything. There are support groups everywhere for everything these days. I know for me having a support group has made all the difference in my progress. Knowing I'm not the only one battling this battle definitely helps me to move forward in the right direction.


I'm hoping to be at or very near my goal at my 2 year surgiversary. I think losing the rest of the weight in the next year is realistic. I'm also factoring in that there will be skin to remove that will weigh something (maybe 20 pounds). So I'm really looking at maybe loosing approximately 100 pounds in a year. I know with lots of hard work and determination I can do it!


Thank you all for your feedback, your input and your support. I love hearing from each and everyone of you, even if I don't always respond to everyone. Here's to another year of life, love and health!

Makeover and 250 Pounds Gone, Oh My!

So much has happened since I last blogged. I have to say I’ve been very busy. Not a bad thing at all necessarily but nonetheless it is what it is! J So I am hoping I can break everything in an organized manner as there is so much to talk about. Let’s start with what many people don’t know about or have asked me about.

“THE MAKEOVER”. Yes, that is right I got not one, but TWO makeovers for FREE. I always love the word FREE. So to start off with, some of you know that I was almost selected to be on the Biggest Loser Season 8. At the last minute they changed their mind. I was very upset at the time but looking back I think it was definitely the best thing to happen. So many people that go on the show come home and gain their weight back for many different reasons (which is my biggest fear) and I really think I needed something more drastic (my surgery). As they say, things happen for a reason. So the casting company has me in their database and has contacted me in the past with different shows which I have applied for but never got anywhere. I’m also friends with a few of those people on Twitter. So one of them contacted me for a makeover show. I responded that I was interested and then was asked to send a picture of myself and my phone number to a certain email address. I did and the same day I got a phone call. They told me that they wanted to do a interview with me via Skype that day. I was working so I told them I wasn’t available until after 6:00 that I would still need to go home and download Skype onto my computer. So the interview was set. So I had the interview and they asked me the same questions but in a different way. I was smart enough to realize that they were looking for a different answer so I said my answers to their questions in a different way. That lasted about 15-20 minutes. They told me they recorded the interview and it would be sent to the producers for a decision. They briefly told me they hadn’t exactly figured out what the show was going to be called but something about looking younger and that I would receive a makeover if I were picked. All of that took place in February. I was also told they would be emailing me an application and I needed to fill it out and get it over to them. So I did. Also, just as a FYI, I did focus on my weight loss progress so far as the reason for being deserving of this makeover. So I didn’t hear anything for a few months and just figured I didn’t get picked. Then in April I get a call stating that the producers were still deciding on the contestants but they wanted to have us fill out the paperwork now. So we had to fill out more paperwork (basically giving up our rights to the photos/video of us). Then a week later I got a call stating they were still deciding but were going to tape on Sunday, April 29^th and Monday April 30^th and asked me which day would be better. I told them Sunday would be best (since I have to work and this was only a little over a week away with no decision yet). This was on a Wednesday and I asked if I didn’t hear anything if I could call on Friday. She was very sweet and said I could call anytime. So I didn’t hear anything so I called on Friday. She stated, “Oh yes I just got an email with those that made it let me look if your name is on the list… Ummmm…ohhhh…nope… oh wait… yes… Shanda Macomber, you are on the list you made it.” I screamed for joy and probably caused her to lose her hearing for the day. My coworkers came into congratulate me (they knew I was waiting and urged me to make that phone call). She told me that I should be receiving a call from the producer with details. All she knew was that I was going to be getting TWO makeovers and the show is called “Make Me Younger”. I was also told it would be a YouTube show that they are doing a beauty channel on (and who knows it could go to TV). I didn’t care if it was on TV or not just getting a FREE makeover is something I am always up for. So I didn’t get the “Call Sheet” until the day before I got my makeover. It has the executive producers information, camera guys, stylist, contestants (me), etc.  It was so cool to see my name on that. I did some research the night before and realized the executive producers are the same executive producers as The Biggest Loser & The Amazing Race (among other shows). That made me very nervous and excited at the same time. So I had to drive to West Hollywood and I left early and got there a few hours early. So River and I went and got some coffee and took bathroom breaks. I was super nervous! I finally went in and people were greeting me and congratulating me. I wasn’t sure what they were congratulating me on until I asked and they said your weight loss of course. Everyone knew my story apparently and everyone was so inspired. I was so humbled. So I had to weight hour and a half before anything started happening. Then I did my before pictures and my plea as to why I deserved this in front of the cameras. They coached me somewhat and were so impressed that I had lost an additional 20 pounds from what they had on their sheet. So I really did a bad job at that because I was so nervous. Luckily they can edit and put together all the pieces which is what they are going to have to do. Then we took a break for lunch and they had food catered. I was so nervous there wasn’t going to be anything I could eat but they did have some chicken and veggies that I was able to eat. Then it was time to go back and I had my first makeover with Joey. He was the most awesome stylist. He asked me what my original hair color is (because I had some blonde and brown in my hair) and I told him I’m a natural red-head. He said he couldn’t imagine me as anything but a red-head but he wanted to die my hair a different shade of red and go with a Julianne Moore look. I told him I thought she was absolutely gorgeous and to go for it. Now let me intervene here for a second that there were no mirrors in this salon and if there were mirrors they were covered up with trash bags. They really did not want us to see ourselves ahead of time. So Joey dyed my hair, put me under the dryer, rinsed my hair and then blow dried me. People were walking by saying “Oh you look gorgeous” or “Wow, you look amazing”. All these comments was making me more anxious. I’m telling you EVERYONE was gawking over me (what a nice change). So then next was the make-up. The camera guys were on us pretty much the entire time. They would ask questions and we would respond. If there wasn’t a camera in front of us then there a camera on the wall that was recording us as well. We had microphones taped inside of our shirts so they could have better sound quality. So the last thing we had to do was go get changed. I told him I had a blue shirt or a purple shirt and asked which would look better. He said to go with the purple. So I went and changed. I came out of the dressing room and some staff was standing outside of the room and I walked out and all I heard was “Oh my god, wow, ohhhhhh!” and then the next thing I heard is “SHHHHHHHHHHHH QUIET ON THE SET!” They were recording someone’s reveal of their makeover and that is when we had to be quiet. I did feel pretty fantastic though even though I did not know what I looked like. So the reveal went like this. Everyone had to be quiet and they did one at a time (so 3 of the contestants/stylists had to basically just wait). So they did the reveal with the stylist and the contestant. Then when that was done they did an interview with just the contestant. Then after that they would do an interview with just the stylist.  This was a long process multiply that by 4 contestants/stylists per session. Anyhow when they finally revealed me I cried. I finally saw the beauty in myself but not only the beauty for the first time in the mirror I saw the weight loss and it baffled me. I can’t really see the weight loss unless I am looking at pictures but I saw it in the mirror so it was quite overwhelming for me. So then when that was over they gave me makeup remover clothes and told me to change back into my “before” clothes and wipe off the make-up for the next makeover. Joey saw me wiping off the make-up and said “I see how you are” I told him I felt bad because he did such a great job and I really wanted to show the world the way I looked at that moment. So I got my 2^nd makeover by Norma. I think she was really perplexed since he did such a great job. She left my hair color alone and decided to focus on my eyes and make them look more dramatic. I think she did a great job but the look was not as drastic as the first makeover. As a side note I had one of the other stylist come up to me wanting to make me over. He was very nice and I really did feel like the star there that day. The other makeovers turned out great but really I don’t think anyone’s was as dramatic as mine was that day. I left feeling like a super star which is exactly what I needed to boost my confidence to help me push forward to the last 136 pounds (as of that point) I have to lose. I’ve included pictures of the two different makeovers below (the first one is makeover one and the second one is makeover two). I don’t have any information as to when the video will be up but once I do I will be sure to let everyone know. I must say the most touching part of the whole day was when one of the contestants came up to me and said “I know why I was here today”. I said, “Yeah, me too, you were here to get two makeovers” and then I smiled. She said, “No, I was here to get inspiration from your story. You have really inspired me to lose some weight and I want to thank you.” I was so touched by that and I got a few tears in my eyes. I know I’ve done a great job but I am always so touched when someone is inspired by me. ME!? Yes, me!



Makeover #1



Makeover #2



So then the bad news showed up and we (my husband and I) got the miserable 3. His godmother passed away, then his Mom’s dog (who he picked out and had a strong bond with) and my great aunt (who was one of my favorites of my great aunts). That was really horrible but we get through things like that. It made me realize that it could have been me if I had kept up my old lifestyle. It really upset me that I let myself get out of control but again there is a purpose for everything so maybe I am supposed to help others get their lives back on track. I still don’t know and I may never know but I keep living day by day and helping others when I can.

Then back to the good news. I can officially say I’ve lost 250 pounds! WOW! I am soooooooo proud of myself! It has been a fight and lots of hard work but I’ve done it. I still have over 100 pounds to lose but 129 pounds seems like nothing at this point. Of course I won’t be saying that during a plateau but hey right now it seems so doable. More doable than at my highest when I needed to lose 379 pounds! I’m 29 pounds away from being in the 200’s since my early 20’s which will be a huge victory and I’m certain I will get there this year (even possibly in the next 3 months) which I am pumped about!

This journey has brought so many great things. I am so fortunate to have so much support and thank all of you! I had voiced my concern to my therapist that what if this was just the “honeymoon”. She said well it has been almost a year and you are connected to others with support so it isn’t just the “honeymoon”. She said support groups and supportive people in general is what made AA so successful. That we, as humans, need to connect with others that understand what we are going through. It was profound and something I already knew but never really made the connection. It is so very true. We definitely cannot get through anything alone. Whether it is death, food addiction, alcohol addition, etc. We always need friends and family as support to get us through our toughest moments and to congratulate us through our victories. We do rely on others much more than I even realized.

So thank you to YOU for being my support and being a part of my success. Now let’s celebrate! J

A Reflection of My Progress So Far

So I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. I'm not sure if it is because my birthday is approaching or if it is random but it could be a little bit of both. So yesterday I was waiting for my breakfast burrito to be made (I usually eat yogurt but my yogurt was bad so our office has a cafe and I ordered the breakfast burrito and ate the inside with the egg, cheese and bacon and left the tortilla alone) and I saw a butterfly. It was so beautiful and I can't remember the last time I had seen a butterfly. I then began some deep thinking and came to the conclusion that my life mimics that of a butterfly as well. I started as a caterpillar when I was born and then as I got older I spun my cocoon (which to me was the fat that I felt protected me just like a cocoon protects the caterpillar). Then the caterpillar turns into a beautiful butterfly which is me shedding my weight turning into a butterfly. It made total sense to me at least.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I remember one year ago getting that call with my surgery date. I remember that being the best birthday gift ever. But honestly, having the surgery was the best gift I've ever given to myself. I really wish I would have done the surgery sooner in life but they say timing is everything. Maybe I would have had the surgery but maybe I wouldn't have been as successful due to where I've been. I came from rock bottom and thus maybe I learn more and don't take things for granted. So I try not to reflect on those sort of things.

My trainer reminded me today how far I have come. She asked me what it felt like at my heaviest. I couldn't even describe it. I couldn't even fathom just how I was able to walk around with so much extra weight on my joints and having to move that weight around. My Grandpa told me a few weeks ago that I was carrying him on my shoulders (he apparently weighs near what I've lost). That really put it into perspective because I've always seen my Grandpa as a big guy. Not fat but just a big guy (he's quite tall) and well he's German.... he's a big guy. It makes me realize just how strong I was physically. Of course my upper body was really strong because I definitely used my upper body a lot to get me up but my legs had to move the weight around. Now I understand why my knees hurt so badly. It is amazing to me how things are so different when you are at a different spot in life. In the moment things don't make sense or they aren't clear. Once things are in the past and you have a different perspective things begin to become much clearer. It is like I had smudgy glasses on and now I have brand new smudge proof glasses, much better!

Another thing I was really thinking about is how close I am getting to being in the 200's again. I can't remember the last time I was in the 200's. I think the last time was possibly in high school. It has me giddy thinking about when the scale says 299! I'm only about 38 pounds away. I should be seeing the 200's this year! WOW! To think I started in the 500's last year!

I am beginning to see changes in my body both the good and the ugly. The ugly, of course, is all of the excess skin and it just isn't in my stomach. It is in my arms and my thighs and possibly my backside too but I don't see that. I probably would be at least 1 pant size smaller than I am now, if not more, if I didn't have all of the extra skin. Extra skin is not pretty...saggy, wrinkly and just plain ol' yucky. Definitely doesn't make me feel good about myself. But I look at it for now and try to think of it as battle wounds. It is the scars from what I've been through so to speak. But then there is the good which is many things. I actually have a shape now which is a pear shape versus being a round blob. My wrists and arms have really thinned out too. My trainer pointed out the shape of my upper arms. Yes, my upper arms (top part) are toned and have sexy curves. It is the stuff that hangs below that isn't so attractive but again the top part is looking good. The muscle, yes that is right I do have muscle, is starting to become more pronounced. My legs and and my core are also getting stronger but it is harder to see the results behind the loose skin.

My 35 year old body has been through some things that most people won't go through in a lifetime. I've really beaten it up. I'm learning to love my body. One of the things I treat my body to is massages. I LOVE massages and for my birthday I am buying myself a 90 minute massage because I deserve it! I'm not concerned about going out to dinner or eating. For me it is more about doing what makes me feel good and food does not make me feel good any longer. I will eat dinner, of course, but I will make it a healthy meal and take it to the beach and sit in the car and eat. To me that is the best birthday ever. Maybe I am becoming simple at my old age (hahaha). Maybe I have finally realized that there is more to life than food. Or maybe I am really tuning into to my body to figure out what my body likes since I've abused and neglected it for so long.

So as I sign off I want to remind you all what a positive influence you have all been in my life. Whether you've been in my life for a lifetime or only for a brief moment all of your support collectively has led me to where I am today. For that I am grateful! Thank you!

Good night.

Learning Curve

Dearest Family & Friends,

Well I have had a rough five weeks. The news about my knee needing to get replaced, then exactly a week later I got news that I have significant hearing loss and I need hearing aids. Between those two things I really felt like my body is that of a 70 year old. Definitely not 34 (almost 35) years old. It definitely was a lot to take in all at once. I never imagined either things to happen so soon in my life but I firmly things happen for a reason. It has definitely taught me to take better care of my body, which I am now, but sometimes it is too late and the damage has been done. Maybe that is the message I am supposed to share with others and have them learn from my mistakes? I don’t have the answers right now but I am sure one day it will make sense. I am a bit embarrassed by it, especially the hearing aide thing. That is why I’ve taken so long to expose it for everyone to read. I’ve told some people but admitting it on my blog is a whole new level of honesty and coming to terms with it. I had to come to terms with it myself. I have been and I am on the search for hearing aids. They are very expensive and I am told they last only about 5 years. What a bummer! So I already went to once place and will be going to Costco in a few weeks (I have an appointment) and then will decide from there. I definitely want to get them sooner than later (financially willing) because I do know I am missing out on quite a bit. Plus I am frustrated with having to read lips and telling others they need to speak up. I get so embarrassed.

I’ve also had a hard time with my weight loss. I was on a plateau for about five weeks that I would fluctuate between 3 pounds but never getting down past that certain number! My trainer is aware as well and was hoping that adding in the personal training component would help as it is a change that my body isn’t used to. Well something finally worked and I stepped on the scale yesterday (a fluke) and I had dropped two pounds. Then I stepped on the scale today just curious to see if my body was going to fluctuate and I actually dropped another three pounds. So five pounds in two days makes me extremely happy. I know another plateau is inevitable but I just hope it doesn’t come again for a very long time! So I have lost 236 pounds total and 159 pounds since surgery. I am approaching my one year since surgery very soon (in another 2 months). I can’t believe how quickly time has flown by.

The plateau actually gave me some time to experience what it will be like when I am at goal. Not seeing those numbers move may be something that will take some getting used to especially since I have been seeing those numbers move quite rapidly. I will definitely have to focus on something else so it did give me time to “practice”. But when you aren’t near goal weight it is very frustrating and I know it has definitely affected my moods and my overall well being. I felt like when someone asked me how I was doing I was negative or I lied and said I was ok. But it seems like my knee was hurting, or I was feeling sick, or this hurt or that hurt. It wasn’t the normal me that is for sure. So I now know I need to work on not letting my weight loss (or lack thereof) affect me and my moods.

My personal training is going great. She had me do some things at my last session that I was definitely scared about doing and didn’t think I would be able to do it. But I did it and I lived through it. She admitted she wasn’t sure about it either but gave me the confidence to do it. That is what trainers are for. They give you the confidence to do things you probably wouldn’t otherwise do. She is still impressed with my upper body strength. Quite frankly, I am too. She is also working on getting my leg strength back as well which I can tell she is working the muscles as my legs and even my butt have been very sore. Who am I kidding… my arms have been very sore too. But of course it is a good sore. She even has me sweating in just 30 minutes. The last session we did a lot of weights and core training.

I’ve had to work through a lot of things that aren’t familiar to me lately. When I wasn’t losing weight I began to worry that my metabolism had slowed down (which could be true) and that maybe I needed to increase my intake of calories from my average of 900 a day. So I had to get creative. I know it isn’t good to drink your calories but in my situation it is a little different. So I have a hard time taking pills. I have lots of them to take (vitamins due to malabsorption issues). I take one pill at a time and even sometimes those get stuck and are too much. So to increase my calories and to help the pills go down easier I take them with milk. So I am not only getting the benefits of having a creamier liquid to help them go down I am getting some extra protein, Vitamin D, Calcium in addition to a few extra calories which I consider healthy calories. I do the organic milk boxes so I make sure I am only doing a serving. It is hard to get my mind around it eating more calories though. My entire life (for the most part) has been focused on eating less calories. So this is the opposite extreme which is very hard. I am just getting creative. I eat a 60 calorie pack of prunes everyday (3 prunes) which help keep me regular. So I eat things that have other benefits rather than just eating something that has calories and no other benefits for me.

I want to say thank you to everyone for such great support you’ve given me. having people check in on me and giving comments and feedback really does help me to move forward in both good and bad times.

Shanda

Battling the changes that come up in life

Well life continues to happen whether I like what is happening or not. Now more than ever do I realize what an impact we make on our bodies good or bad. You all know I am very honest so I am going to be honest. I am usually very positive but with that said sometimes life isn't all about good times. Sometimes there are things that you just have to deal with as they come and sometimes they aren't good things. Sometimes writing here on my blog helps me sort it out in my head as well.

With that said, I got the results of my knees. I met with the surgeon and he unfortunately didn't have any positive news for me. My right knee (which is my "good" knee) he said is very close to needing a knee replacement. I have more cartilage on the right side of my knee than the left side (inside). He said in another 5 - 10 years my knee will probably be worn out by then. Then my left knee he said is completely gone. He did show us (my husband and I) the x-ray and explained everything which was very helpful. But I have no cartilage on my left knee. This is why I have been unable to straighten my knee. I am currently grinding my bones together and probably have been for a while as the bone looks like it is a bit worn. He said that my bones are also starting to bow and are currently bowing at about 5 degrees. So he then proceeds to tell me they won't do surgery on anyone unless their BMI is under 40. That is very understandable to me and what that translates to me is another 50 pounds or so. That isn't such a big deal to me. But he said age is another factor and at my age he doesn't recommend knee replacement. He said due to the fact that they last approximately 15 years (depend how hard I am on my knee) that I will have to have multiple knee replacements in my lifetime and with each knee replacement it gets more complicated. So he basically said to continue until I can't tolerate the pain anymore and see if technology improves. With that I was so upset. He left the office and I cried. No, I bawled my eyes out. Then I got my act together and left the office. I got to the car and bawled my eyes out again. I went to work and was so emotional and just drained. Every time I even started to talk about it I couldn't stop myself from crying. It was just a rough day.

This is similar to what my knee looks like. No space between the bones means
no cartilage which means bones are grinding up against each other. 

I had (and have) so much going through my head. What did I do to my body/knees? Why was I so careless? He did mention the history of bad knees in my family could have contributed to my knees. He said the weight didn't help it but being that I wasn't over 400 pounds for long he said that the weight wasn't the only reason for the deterioration. So all these regrets I now have that I can't take back. The damage is done. If... I should have...are all words that get me nowhere now.

I am "young" and losing weight should be giving me the opportunity to be more active and trying new things. Instead my activity is not much different now than it was 226 pounds ago. I had dreams of possibly doing a 1/2 marathon, hiking, and in general just getting out there and being more active. But now my knee(s) is holding me back once again. I am so mad and frustrated! But these are my feelings and no one can take my feelings from me. I expect to have a roller coaster of feelings. This weekend I got a lot of sun and the sun made me feel alive again. Honestly I felt like I was dead on Friday.

I'm not going to give up. I've already worked to hard (which is part of my frustration). But I will just continue doing my water aerobics which I know is the best for me until my knee situation is rectified. Luckily, I enjoy the water aerobics otherwise I'd be even more upset. I think the struggles are only given to those who can handle it. So I feel like this is only making me stronger. Hubby is amazed at how strong I am and was surprised that I really can tolerate the pain. I don't complain too much about my knees when they are hurting it has just become part of my day, which I know is unfortunate, but there are some things we just have to live with. Even if it is temporary.

My weight loss has slowed down significantly this last month which does scare me. I am hoping that the honeymoon period isn't over quite yet. They say there is a 12-18 month honeymoon period and it has only been 8 months for me but I worry this could be it. With that said I can't complain but I will. I have had an amazing transformation in such a short amount of time. I've lost 150 pounds since surgery (in 8 months) which I feel like is quite a blessing in itself.  I haven't weighed myself in over a week because I've been disappointed every time I step on the scale. I have people telling me I look thinner so I may be losing inches and gaining muscle. I've lost a total of 226 pounds and have reached another plateau. But I'm sticking with my lifestyle and not giving up.

I went clothes shopping last weekend and it was bittersweet. The shirts I was able to fit into a size smaller than I have in my closet which was very exciting. So now I know officially my closet (most of it) is too big for me, well at least the shirts. The pants now that is another story. Because I have a smaller waist, big hips and my legs are fairly big I wasn't able to find pants that fit. I know I will probably always have to wear a belt so I can fit my legs and hips in pants (my Mom & sister told me they have to do the same thing). Now grant it the store didn't have any tall pants to choose from either which was disappointing. But I thought for sure I'd be able to find something. All of my pants of the same size at home are too big but in the store they are too small? Doesn't make sense. So that was very disappointing and I came home and ordered some pants online. hopefully they fit.

I did FINALLY hire a trainer! I am so excited. She is someone that was referred to me and had awesome results. She is close by and I will be meeting with her on my lunch breaks. I am so happy to have made this decision. She knows what she has to work with now and feels up to the challenge. We will see what happens. I will be mostly working on weight training with her since I have the aerobic stuff down with my water aerobics and the fact I can't do much on land. We will see what happens. I look forward to toning my body!

So there are some good things mixed in with the bad. I am trying to keep a positive outlook but also learning to just deal with my emotions and not shove them down. This is all new for me. I actually took a hot shower Friday night and then called to schedule a massage trying some new coping skills. The massage place was booked for the weekend but was proud I made the initiative to do something other than eating which I can't do anymore. I'm learning that being upset and sad is ok too. Expressing my emotions is ok. I don't have to be happy 100% of the time. I just know the danger comes when it consumes me which is I am not going to let happen.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for commenting. Thank you for letting me vent!