Ignorance is bliss or is it?

So they say that ignorance is bliss but I'm beginning to wonder if that is really true. The reason I say this is that I have been ignorant in regards to my health. As usual, I have let other things and/or people become priority and my health suffers. On paper everything is great (minus my weight) and I am truly grateful for that. All my blood works always comes back pretty good (with some deficiencies that a few vitamins can help) but I am not on any prescription drugs which is a blessing. I have all kind of excuses which are facts of what really happened but again I just allowed those things to be priority over my health is what it comes down to. I'm having to learn to love myself and make myself priority which is not a easy task from a people pleaser that would much rather make everyone else happy while I suffer. My suffering stems from the ability to be active. My knees and lower back are absolutely unhappy with me and it is affecting my ability to walk/stand. I'm in the process of trying to rule out Guillain-Bar syndrome or non traumatic spinal cord compression which are possibilities. 
So I've been tracking what I eat and although I eat about 1/2 as much as I did prior to surgery I'm still amazed at how many calories, fat, carbs etc. I'm still eating. So making more of a conscious effort to track what I eat and stay within certain ranges. Back to drinking protein shakes to help cut back calories and increase my protein. My husband and I really don't eat "bad" (he's type II diabetic) but it just surely adds up. He's really into cooking a diabetic friendly meal which means low carb/sugar and that benefits me as well. We've really got into cauliflower rice in a big way. I've never been a big rice eater but we do eat cauliflower rice at least twice a week. We eat ground turkey mostly and then some chicken and fish. Ground turkey agrees with me more than the others do. Which brings me to another thing, I need to listen to my body (and if you are reading this, you need to listen to your body). Your body will tell you when something doesn't agree with it. Stop ignoring the signs and listen and try to replace those things with something else. My body does not like beef. I don't eat beef and if I do I know I have to eat it very slow (that is they only way I can eat it). I use a great app for bariatric patients but I'm telling you it is good for anyone because it gives you reports on what you ate in the last 30 days (highest in carbs, sugar etc or lowest in carbs, sugar etc) as well as exercise, water and just a lot of details. It is 15 pages of interesting stuff. The app is called Baritastic for those that want to use it (available on apple and android).
The other part of my issue has been exercise. I'll be honest I haven't found the right gym since I left the YMCA in Rancho Penasquitos/Encinitas. With my back/knee issues I need to use the pool. The pool needs to have stairs that I can go up and down. The last gym my husband and I joined had stairs so steep I could barely get into or out of the pool. My husband said it was hard for him too so we stopped going to that one. It is odd to build a pool with steep stairs being it is so slippery. Anyhow, so we have a few options we are working on. Our ideal is to buy a house and put a pool in but we aren't there yet (soon hopefully). Honestly, if I had a pool in my backyard I would exercise more often. I know people say that but I really do love it. I just have the embarrassment in public issue and the I don't want to fall and slip and slide and hurt myself issue. I really do love the pool though.
In one of my facebook groups I had posted asking for people who would like some more accountability in a small group form. I had 130+ people respond. So I created 6 groups of about 20ish people to connect and hold each other accountable. That felt good but now I have to put myself into one of those groups and get going on that. With that said my goal is to try to be more accountable to myself and posting on here. Even if no one reads it I have put it out there and someone "might" which is good enough for me. It won't be daily but maybe weekly, semi-weekly or no less than monthly. 
Now I need to go get my vitamins ready for the week! Thanks for reading!

Raise Money for Healthy Shanda's Skin Removal Surgey

Hi all,
Well I am officially launching this thing. My goal is to raise $50,000 this years to help me pay for me skin removal. There are several ways you can help me.

1. Donate to the cause. You get a prize for donating too. Please go to (click on the link) Raise Money for Healthy Shanda's Skin Removal Surgery and you will then be able to donate any amount of money. Even $1 adds up!
2. Refer me someone that needs to buy or sell. I get paid a referral fee once the transaction closes and your name will be added as donating that referral fee amount. This "could" be thousand of dollars donated by you and you get all of the fabulous gifts that are listed on the following website  (click on the link) Raise Money for Healthy Shanda's Skin Removal Surgery.

If you have any questions please let me know. I have a big goal so please send my blog to everyone you know. It is truly appreciated!

On a personal note, I'm not losing any weight but I'm not gaining either. My weight is at a stand still right now. I'm really going to push my exercise up a notch and see if I can't get my body to start losing again. I know plateaus happen but I need to try everything I can and push through this. It isn't easy. There are times where my mind wanders to the past where I was so unhappy and I want to fall back into those old habits but then I remember just how miserable I was and how stressed out I was over the smallest things and I wake up from that nightmare and remember how far I've come and how I don't ever want to go back to that lonely and dark place.

I have come a long ways. I went to the San Diego Sports Arena (each year it gets a new name from whom ever sponsors it but it will always be called San Diego Sports Arena to me). Anyhow, it made me realize how far I've come. I was able to fit in the seats. The only issue was my long legs and nowhere to put my feet and a knee that needs replaced and doesn't end so well anymore. But that will get fixed in due time. It made me feel good to be able to go up and down the stairs without being out of breath too. I've definitely come a very long way and it feels good!

Feeling Defeated But Looking at the Progress That Has Been Made

So there are there times where you feel defeated? Where you feel frustrated? You tried but it just isn't enough? That is how I felt Tuesday evening. I stayed at work late and didn't end up going to my workout. I came home and remembered that our complex has a gym that is free to us. So I told my husband I was going and he came along with me. I was excited for taking the initiative to do this because it was quite late and I could have easily done something else. I spent 5 minutes on the elliptical in immense pain. Then I tried the bike and the bike was worse actually. My knee is just not happy with the movement. It doesn't mind the exercise in the water (most of the time) but this other stuff -- no way. I felt defeated. I wanted to get a sweat going. I then decided to do some weights and ended up hurting my left arm lifting weights that were too heavy for me. I was feeling very defeated. But I am trying to stay positive and stay proud of myself for taking the initiative. It is the decisions in our life that lead us to the paths we are on. I am choosing to be on a healthy path which is a very positive thing for me.

I find it interesting how different my outlook is on life now versus a few years ago when I was at my lowest point. Things have changed tremendously and that I am grateful for. I'm thinking working my way into the elliptical is a possibility but I also know my knee is damaged (bone on bone) so I'm not really sure that there is such a thing as working into it in my circumstance. But I am not one to give up so I will try it again another time and see if I can stay on a little bit longer.

Life is good, pass it on!

I've reached the 200's!

First of all, I want to apologize to those of you that follow my blog and don't follow me on Facebook. I don't post on my blog as often as I'd like due to time constraints but on Facebook I do post updates more often. So please add me as a friend on facebook.

Well the big update (for those that don't already know) is that I FINALLY have a 2 in my weight. That is right. the first number is a 2, meaning I am in the 200's! As of this morning I was 294 (total of 285 pounds lost)! I am so amazed that I am so close to my goal weight. I know 94 pounds doesn't seem so close but if you take into consideration that there is skin that needs to be removed (20-40 pounds worth) then I'm looking at closer to around 50-75 pounds until my goal weight. I reached the 200's on Tuesday, October 2nd. Definitely a date I will remember. I reached the 300's on November 17th so it took about 11 months for me to lose this last 100 pounds. I know my last 50-75 pounds are going to be even harder but I know I can do it.

I've come so far in such a short amount of time and I have a hard time recognizing myself. I know my brain needs to catch up to my physical appearance and I'm allowing time for that to happen. But it is not just the physical it is also things such as crossing my legs, fitting into chairs, walking for some distance and not being out of breath. I can do all of these things now. My knee does hold me back from being able to walk as long as I'd like or being able to stand for long periods of time but there is significant improvement that is for sure.

I know there are some people that think I will gain it back. But for the first time I know I won't gain it back. I finally have the lifestyle change that I needed. I know I never won't to go back to that scary dark place. My life now is much more full of fun and life. I am so active now so I don't get much time to write my blogs. But I consider this a blessing. My blogs are good and I love to share with you all but really living life is what I need to do and I need to catch up since I've missed out on so much it seems. 

So this post is short and sweet because I need to go to bed. I am treating myself tomorrow for reaching the 200's. I don't treat myself with food anymore. Instead it is massages and spa packages. I'm going to Glen Ivy tomorrow and I'm getting a 80 minute body wrap and massage along with a pedicure. I'm also going to be dipping in the mud baths and into some of the mineral water. It should be a fun day of pampering which I deserve!

Remember to be nice to yourself. Treat yourself how you would treat your best friend because you should be your own best friend!

Lots lost but much more gained!

I'm back.... yes, I don't blog quite as often as I would truly like. Life gets in the way. To be honest though it is much better than being pretty much bedridden. I remember those days well because they weren't that long ago. Yes, I was able to move but it just hurt too much to move. So most weekends and nights were spent at home in bed or on the couch. Now I am hardly ever home just sitting around. I'm much more active because I can walk and I can move. I can do so much more and life feels so much more worth living for. I didn't realize how depressed I was. Sometimes it takes change to make you realize just exactly how bad things were. I've enjoyed the changes that have happened. My husband and I go grocery shopping together and I can actually do it. I have to admit towards the end my knee(s) are aching but at least I'm able to walk around and do it! We have been camping a lot because I can! Although, we haven't gone much this month. There is a lot of other things going on. The biggest thing is that I'm not afraid to get out of the house. I now realize I had a fear of leaving the house. Not necessarily to go to work but to go anywhere else. I just got stressed thinking about "what if" scenarios. I couldn't walk far so I had to be sure to park close and then walking around would only be a few minutes before I was in so much pain I had to sit down. The other stressful scenario was if there would be chairs I could fit into and most of the time there wasn't. I just recently learned that my husband was also burdened thinking about those types of things for me. We would go to a restaurant (or somewhere that we had to sit down) and he would scan the restaurant for a chair that I would fit into and a chair that was sturdy. His biggest fear was that I would break a chair and I would be so embarrassed. So my weight really impacted him which I feel badly about. It is one thing to burden myself but quite another to burden the ones I love.


So with that said I've accomplished some non-scale victories. The biggest one for me was being able to get down on the ground and get up without hurting myself. In fact I was even able to get up without even struggling much to get up. I was also able to get on my knees. It hurt a little bit but I was able to do it. I was super scared though because I imagined my 579 pound body getting down on my knees rather than my new 310 pound body. Yes, it is still a lot of weight but it is definitely significantly less. My brain still hasn't really embraced that yet. I think it has been such a short amount of time that I have lost so much weight and my brain only can process that sort of change slowly. So my other non-scale victory was to put on a dress and skirt without feeling "fat". I actually felt "girlie" which is a first in a very long time. The only time my husband has seen me in a dress was on our wedding night so as you can tell it has been a very long time since I've even put on a dress. 


So going back to the part that my brain hasn't caught up. I find myself looking at a picture of me thinking "gosh she looks good" and then I catch myself and realize I thought "she" instead of "I". I do that quite often and it is a bit odd to me. Or I will be told that I'm an inspiration and then I want to say "who me????". I think I am too humble to take credit for it all. Or maybe it has to do with my self-esteem. In any event it is something I know I need to work with my therapist on.


I still am amazed about how much extra weight really can alter your life. Even 50 pounds ago I wasn't able to do what I am now and I am sure 50 pounds from now I will be saying the same thing.


So I wanted to share a few quick facts about my journey of health.
Total pounds lost: 269
Starting BMI: 76.4
Current BMI: 40.9
Starting Weight: 579 pounds
Current Weight: 310 pounds
Goal Weight: 200 pounds
So much lost but much more gained including my health and my life!

One Year Surgiversary...A Reflection of the Last Year

I just recently celebrated my one year surgiversary (on June 14th). It was one year ago that I went and had my guts rearranged without knowing what the outcome would be. It was something that I didn't take lightly. I researched for several years contemplating if this was the right choice for me. I also did a lot of praying about it. I'm not a religious person but I am very spiritual. I came to realize that you really don't know the answer until you go through with it. But I felt at ease going through with it so I knew that was my sign that it was right for me. I had no idea if I was going to have a hard time or an easy time. Everything was unknown which was the scary part. I hoped to have a easy time and for the most part I did. The first three months there was a lot of throwing up going on. I really learned that I had to listen to what my body did and didn't like and how I felt when I was full and that just one more bite could make the difference of throwing up or not.


In one year I lost 184 pounds. That is remarkable, in my opinion. My surgeon seems to think so too. He even gave me a big hug because he was so excited for me. As of my surgiversary date I had lost a total of 260 pounds total. That is such a huge number and really is hard to fathom I've done all of that hard work. Every ounce of blood, sweat and tears contributed to that weight loss. Lots of decisions were made as well. A decision to eat this and not that, definitely lots of those types of decisions.


So much has changed in just one year. I don't depend on my husband to do as much for me. I was so heavy and being that I was bone on bone in my left knee... just standing hurt let alone walking a step or two. So it was hard for me to get up and do things for myself. Now I get up and do things for myself even when my knee (or now my back) are hurting. The pain will always hurt but it is much different with 260 pounds off of my knees (which is 1,040 pounds reduction in pressure in my knees). I am so much more mobile and aren't stressing out in almost every situation like I was previously. I'm not as worried about fitting in chairs as most chairs that I sit in I can fit with ease. I don't worry about being able to walk around as I know I can walk around (but still can't walk all day). I will take the improvement I do have though. I'm sure once I have my knee replacement things will change for the better (was I recover).


I feel different. I feel so thankful to be alive. I feel like living life instead of dreading life. My outlook is so much more positive. I actually can look in the mirror and find myself attractive and love myself. That has been lots of therapy though. I even am learning to love all of the imperfections. I won't ever be perfect so I am acting me how I am. Again, it has been a work in progress. I can now cross my legs and am quite comfortable when doing it. I can see my clavicle bones (collar bones) in my chest which is surprising since I still have 115 (as of today) more pounds to lose.


The other good news is that my surgeon, my doctor and I are all on the same page in regards to a goal weight. That is a miracle in itself because my goal weight is higher than the BMI charts. My doctor told me that the BMI charts don't take into consideration muscle mass or bone density (which I knew) so they aren't accurate for someone who has some muscle (me) and big boned (me). But I was thrilled with that and that I don't have some unreasonable expectations.


With the weight loss has come all sort of other issues. I'm having hormone issues (big time), back issues and a few other things that are a result of the weight loss. But in the scheme of things I am happy to have my health back and I'm probably the healthiest I've ever been in my entire life. It feels so great!


I really encourage others to find support in what ever it is that you are trying to do. There is nothing worse than feeling alone and like you are the only one on the journey. I'm talking whether it is weight loss, smoking, alcohol...anything. There are support groups everywhere for everything these days. I know for me having a support group has made all the difference in my progress. Knowing I'm not the only one battling this battle definitely helps me to move forward in the right direction.


I'm hoping to be at or very near my goal at my 2 year surgiversary. I think losing the rest of the weight in the next year is realistic. I'm also factoring in that there will be skin to remove that will weigh something (maybe 20 pounds). So I'm really looking at maybe loosing approximately 100 pounds in a year. I know with lots of hard work and determination I can do it!


Thank you all for your feedback, your input and your support. I love hearing from each and everyone of you, even if I don't always respond to everyone. Here's to another year of life, love and health!

Makeover and 250 Pounds Gone, Oh My!

So much has happened since I last blogged. I have to say I’ve been very busy. Not a bad thing at all necessarily but nonetheless it is what it is! J So I am hoping I can break everything in an organized manner as there is so much to talk about. Let’s start with what many people don’t know about or have asked me about.

“THE MAKEOVER”. Yes, that is right I got not one, but TWO makeovers for FREE. I always love the word FREE. So to start off with, some of you know that I was almost selected to be on the Biggest Loser Season 8. At the last minute they changed their mind. I was very upset at the time but looking back I think it was definitely the best thing to happen. So many people that go on the show come home and gain their weight back for many different reasons (which is my biggest fear) and I really think I needed something more drastic (my surgery). As they say, things happen for a reason. So the casting company has me in their database and has contacted me in the past with different shows which I have applied for but never got anywhere. I’m also friends with a few of those people on Twitter. So one of them contacted me for a makeover show. I responded that I was interested and then was asked to send a picture of myself and my phone number to a certain email address. I did and the same day I got a phone call. They told me that they wanted to do a interview with me via Skype that day. I was working so I told them I wasn’t available until after 6:00 that I would still need to go home and download Skype onto my computer. So the interview was set. So I had the interview and they asked me the same questions but in a different way. I was smart enough to realize that they were looking for a different answer so I said my answers to their questions in a different way. That lasted about 15-20 minutes. They told me they recorded the interview and it would be sent to the producers for a decision. They briefly told me they hadn’t exactly figured out what the show was going to be called but something about looking younger and that I would receive a makeover if I were picked. All of that took place in February. I was also told they would be emailing me an application and I needed to fill it out and get it over to them. So I did. Also, just as a FYI, I did focus on my weight loss progress so far as the reason for being deserving of this makeover. So I didn’t hear anything for a few months and just figured I didn’t get picked. Then in April I get a call stating that the producers were still deciding on the contestants but they wanted to have us fill out the paperwork now. So we had to fill out more paperwork (basically giving up our rights to the photos/video of us). Then a week later I got a call stating they were still deciding but were going to tape on Sunday, April 29^th and Monday April 30^th and asked me which day would be better. I told them Sunday would be best (since I have to work and this was only a little over a week away with no decision yet). This was on a Wednesday and I asked if I didn’t hear anything if I could call on Friday. She was very sweet and said I could call anytime. So I didn’t hear anything so I called on Friday. She stated, “Oh yes I just got an email with those that made it let me look if your name is on the list… Ummmm…ohhhh…nope… oh wait… yes… Shanda Macomber, you are on the list you made it.” I screamed for joy and probably caused her to lose her hearing for the day. My coworkers came into congratulate me (they knew I was waiting and urged me to make that phone call). She told me that I should be receiving a call from the producer with details. All she knew was that I was going to be getting TWO makeovers and the show is called “Make Me Younger”. I was also told it would be a YouTube show that they are doing a beauty channel on (and who knows it could go to TV). I didn’t care if it was on TV or not just getting a FREE makeover is something I am always up for. So I didn’t get the “Call Sheet” until the day before I got my makeover. It has the executive producers information, camera guys, stylist, contestants (me), etc.  It was so cool to see my name on that. I did some research the night before and realized the executive producers are the same executive producers as The Biggest Loser & The Amazing Race (among other shows). That made me very nervous and excited at the same time. So I had to drive to West Hollywood and I left early and got there a few hours early. So River and I went and got some coffee and took bathroom breaks. I was super nervous! I finally went in and people were greeting me and congratulating me. I wasn’t sure what they were congratulating me on until I asked and they said your weight loss of course. Everyone knew my story apparently and everyone was so inspired. I was so humbled. So I had to weight hour and a half before anything started happening. Then I did my before pictures and my plea as to why I deserved this in front of the cameras. They coached me somewhat and were so impressed that I had lost an additional 20 pounds from what they had on their sheet. So I really did a bad job at that because I was so nervous. Luckily they can edit and put together all the pieces which is what they are going to have to do. Then we took a break for lunch and they had food catered. I was so nervous there wasn’t going to be anything I could eat but they did have some chicken and veggies that I was able to eat. Then it was time to go back and I had my first makeover with Joey. He was the most awesome stylist. He asked me what my original hair color is (because I had some blonde and brown in my hair) and I told him I’m a natural red-head. He said he couldn’t imagine me as anything but a red-head but he wanted to die my hair a different shade of red and go with a Julianne Moore look. I told him I thought she was absolutely gorgeous and to go for it. Now let me intervene here for a second that there were no mirrors in this salon and if there were mirrors they were covered up with trash bags. They really did not want us to see ourselves ahead of time. So Joey dyed my hair, put me under the dryer, rinsed my hair and then blow dried me. People were walking by saying “Oh you look gorgeous” or “Wow, you look amazing”. All these comments was making me more anxious. I’m telling you EVERYONE was gawking over me (what a nice change). So then next was the make-up. The camera guys were on us pretty much the entire time. They would ask questions and we would respond. If there wasn’t a camera in front of us then there a camera on the wall that was recording us as well. We had microphones taped inside of our shirts so they could have better sound quality. So the last thing we had to do was go get changed. I told him I had a blue shirt or a purple shirt and asked which would look better. He said to go with the purple. So I went and changed. I came out of the dressing room and some staff was standing outside of the room and I walked out and all I heard was “Oh my god, wow, ohhhhhh!” and then the next thing I heard is “SHHHHHHHHHHHH QUIET ON THE SET!” They were recording someone’s reveal of their makeover and that is when we had to be quiet. I did feel pretty fantastic though even though I did not know what I looked like. So the reveal went like this. Everyone had to be quiet and they did one at a time (so 3 of the contestants/stylists had to basically just wait). So they did the reveal with the stylist and the contestant. Then when that was done they did an interview with just the contestant. Then after that they would do an interview with just the stylist.  This was a long process multiply that by 4 contestants/stylists per session. Anyhow when they finally revealed me I cried. I finally saw the beauty in myself but not only the beauty for the first time in the mirror I saw the weight loss and it baffled me. I can’t really see the weight loss unless I am looking at pictures but I saw it in the mirror so it was quite overwhelming for me. So then when that was over they gave me makeup remover clothes and told me to change back into my “before” clothes and wipe off the make-up for the next makeover. Joey saw me wiping off the make-up and said “I see how you are” I told him I felt bad because he did such a great job and I really wanted to show the world the way I looked at that moment. So I got my 2^nd makeover by Norma. I think she was really perplexed since he did such a great job. She left my hair color alone and decided to focus on my eyes and make them look more dramatic. I think she did a great job but the look was not as drastic as the first makeover. As a side note I had one of the other stylist come up to me wanting to make me over. He was very nice and I really did feel like the star there that day. The other makeovers turned out great but really I don’t think anyone’s was as dramatic as mine was that day. I left feeling like a super star which is exactly what I needed to boost my confidence to help me push forward to the last 136 pounds (as of that point) I have to lose. I’ve included pictures of the two different makeovers below (the first one is makeover one and the second one is makeover two). I don’t have any information as to when the video will be up but once I do I will be sure to let everyone know. I must say the most touching part of the whole day was when one of the contestants came up to me and said “I know why I was here today”. I said, “Yeah, me too, you were here to get two makeovers” and then I smiled. She said, “No, I was here to get inspiration from your story. You have really inspired me to lose some weight and I want to thank you.” I was so touched by that and I got a few tears in my eyes. I know I’ve done a great job but I am always so touched when someone is inspired by me. ME!? Yes, me!



Makeover #1



Makeover #2



So then the bad news showed up and we (my husband and I) got the miserable 3. His godmother passed away, then his Mom’s dog (who he picked out and had a strong bond with) and my great aunt (who was one of my favorites of my great aunts). That was really horrible but we get through things like that. It made me realize that it could have been me if I had kept up my old lifestyle. It really upset me that I let myself get out of control but again there is a purpose for everything so maybe I am supposed to help others get their lives back on track. I still don’t know and I may never know but I keep living day by day and helping others when I can.

Then back to the good news. I can officially say I’ve lost 250 pounds! WOW! I am soooooooo proud of myself! It has been a fight and lots of hard work but I’ve done it. I still have over 100 pounds to lose but 129 pounds seems like nothing at this point. Of course I won’t be saying that during a plateau but hey right now it seems so doable. More doable than at my highest when I needed to lose 379 pounds! I’m 29 pounds away from being in the 200’s since my early 20’s which will be a huge victory and I’m certain I will get there this year (even possibly in the next 3 months) which I am pumped about!

This journey has brought so many great things. I am so fortunate to have so much support and thank all of you! I had voiced my concern to my therapist that what if this was just the “honeymoon”. She said well it has been almost a year and you are connected to others with support so it isn’t just the “honeymoon”. She said support groups and supportive people in general is what made AA so successful. That we, as humans, need to connect with others that understand what we are going through. It was profound and something I already knew but never really made the connection. It is so very true. We definitely cannot get through anything alone. Whether it is death, food addiction, alcohol addition, etc. We always need friends and family as support to get us through our toughest moments and to congratulate us through our victories. We do rely on others much more than I even realized.

So thank you to YOU for being my support and being a part of my success. Now let’s celebrate! J

Learning Curve

Dearest Family & Friends,

Well I have had a rough five weeks. The news about my knee needing to get replaced, then exactly a week later I got news that I have significant hearing loss and I need hearing aids. Between those two things I really felt like my body is that of a 70 year old. Definitely not 34 (almost 35) years old. It definitely was a lot to take in all at once. I never imagined either things to happen so soon in my life but I firmly things happen for a reason. It has definitely taught me to take better care of my body, which I am now, but sometimes it is too late and the damage has been done. Maybe that is the message I am supposed to share with others and have them learn from my mistakes? I don’t have the answers right now but I am sure one day it will make sense. I am a bit embarrassed by it, especially the hearing aide thing. That is why I’ve taken so long to expose it for everyone to read. I’ve told some people but admitting it on my blog is a whole new level of honesty and coming to terms with it. I had to come to terms with it myself. I have been and I am on the search for hearing aids. They are very expensive and I am told they last only about 5 years. What a bummer! So I already went to once place and will be going to Costco in a few weeks (I have an appointment) and then will decide from there. I definitely want to get them sooner than later (financially willing) because I do know I am missing out on quite a bit. Plus I am frustrated with having to read lips and telling others they need to speak up. I get so embarrassed.

I’ve also had a hard time with my weight loss. I was on a plateau for about five weeks that I would fluctuate between 3 pounds but never getting down past that certain number! My trainer is aware as well and was hoping that adding in the personal training component would help as it is a change that my body isn’t used to. Well something finally worked and I stepped on the scale yesterday (a fluke) and I had dropped two pounds. Then I stepped on the scale today just curious to see if my body was going to fluctuate and I actually dropped another three pounds. So five pounds in two days makes me extremely happy. I know another plateau is inevitable but I just hope it doesn’t come again for a very long time! So I have lost 236 pounds total and 159 pounds since surgery. I am approaching my one year since surgery very soon (in another 2 months). I can’t believe how quickly time has flown by.

The plateau actually gave me some time to experience what it will be like when I am at goal. Not seeing those numbers move may be something that will take some getting used to especially since I have been seeing those numbers move quite rapidly. I will definitely have to focus on something else so it did give me time to “practice”. But when you aren’t near goal weight it is very frustrating and I know it has definitely affected my moods and my overall well being. I felt like when someone asked me how I was doing I was negative or I lied and said I was ok. But it seems like my knee was hurting, or I was feeling sick, or this hurt or that hurt. It wasn’t the normal me that is for sure. So I now know I need to work on not letting my weight loss (or lack thereof) affect me and my moods.

My personal training is going great. She had me do some things at my last session that I was definitely scared about doing and didn’t think I would be able to do it. But I did it and I lived through it. She admitted she wasn’t sure about it either but gave me the confidence to do it. That is what trainers are for. They give you the confidence to do things you probably wouldn’t otherwise do. She is still impressed with my upper body strength. Quite frankly, I am too. She is also working on getting my leg strength back as well which I can tell she is working the muscles as my legs and even my butt have been very sore. Who am I kidding… my arms have been very sore too. But of course it is a good sore. She even has me sweating in just 30 minutes. The last session we did a lot of weights and core training.

I’ve had to work through a lot of things that aren’t familiar to me lately. When I wasn’t losing weight I began to worry that my metabolism had slowed down (which could be true) and that maybe I needed to increase my intake of calories from my average of 900 a day. So I had to get creative. I know it isn’t good to drink your calories but in my situation it is a little different. So I have a hard time taking pills. I have lots of them to take (vitamins due to malabsorption issues). I take one pill at a time and even sometimes those get stuck and are too much. So to increase my calories and to help the pills go down easier I take them with milk. So I am not only getting the benefits of having a creamier liquid to help them go down I am getting some extra protein, Vitamin D, Calcium in addition to a few extra calories which I consider healthy calories. I do the organic milk boxes so I make sure I am only doing a serving. It is hard to get my mind around it eating more calories though. My entire life (for the most part) has been focused on eating less calories. So this is the opposite extreme which is very hard. I am just getting creative. I eat a 60 calorie pack of prunes everyday (3 prunes) which help keep me regular. So I eat things that have other benefits rather than just eating something that has calories and no other benefits for me.

I want to say thank you to everyone for such great support you’ve given me. having people check in on me and giving comments and feedback really does help me to move forward in both good and bad times.

Shanda

Battling the changes that come up in life

Well life continues to happen whether I like what is happening or not. Now more than ever do I realize what an impact we make on our bodies good or bad. You all know I am very honest so I am going to be honest. I am usually very positive but with that said sometimes life isn't all about good times. Sometimes there are things that you just have to deal with as they come and sometimes they aren't good things. Sometimes writing here on my blog helps me sort it out in my head as well.

With that said, I got the results of my knees. I met with the surgeon and he unfortunately didn't have any positive news for me. My right knee (which is my "good" knee) he said is very close to needing a knee replacement. I have more cartilage on the right side of my knee than the left side (inside). He said in another 5 - 10 years my knee will probably be worn out by then. Then my left knee he said is completely gone. He did show us (my husband and I) the x-ray and explained everything which was very helpful. But I have no cartilage on my left knee. This is why I have been unable to straighten my knee. I am currently grinding my bones together and probably have been for a while as the bone looks like it is a bit worn. He said that my bones are also starting to bow and are currently bowing at about 5 degrees. So he then proceeds to tell me they won't do surgery on anyone unless their BMI is under 40. That is very understandable to me and what that translates to me is another 50 pounds or so. That isn't such a big deal to me. But he said age is another factor and at my age he doesn't recommend knee replacement. He said due to the fact that they last approximately 15 years (depend how hard I am on my knee) that I will have to have multiple knee replacements in my lifetime and with each knee replacement it gets more complicated. So he basically said to continue until I can't tolerate the pain anymore and see if technology improves. With that I was so upset. He left the office and I cried. No, I bawled my eyes out. Then I got my act together and left the office. I got to the car and bawled my eyes out again. I went to work and was so emotional and just drained. Every time I even started to talk about it I couldn't stop myself from crying. It was just a rough day.

This is similar to what my knee looks like. No space between the bones means
no cartilage which means bones are grinding up against each other. 

I had (and have) so much going through my head. What did I do to my body/knees? Why was I so careless? He did mention the history of bad knees in my family could have contributed to my knees. He said the weight didn't help it but being that I wasn't over 400 pounds for long he said that the weight wasn't the only reason for the deterioration. So all these regrets I now have that I can't take back. The damage is done. If... I should have...are all words that get me nowhere now.

I am "young" and losing weight should be giving me the opportunity to be more active and trying new things. Instead my activity is not much different now than it was 226 pounds ago. I had dreams of possibly doing a 1/2 marathon, hiking, and in general just getting out there and being more active. But now my knee(s) is holding me back once again. I am so mad and frustrated! But these are my feelings and no one can take my feelings from me. I expect to have a roller coaster of feelings. This weekend I got a lot of sun and the sun made me feel alive again. Honestly I felt like I was dead on Friday.

I'm not going to give up. I've already worked to hard (which is part of my frustration). But I will just continue doing my water aerobics which I know is the best for me until my knee situation is rectified. Luckily, I enjoy the water aerobics otherwise I'd be even more upset. I think the struggles are only given to those who can handle it. So I feel like this is only making me stronger. Hubby is amazed at how strong I am and was surprised that I really can tolerate the pain. I don't complain too much about my knees when they are hurting it has just become part of my day, which I know is unfortunate, but there are some things we just have to live with. Even if it is temporary.

My weight loss has slowed down significantly this last month which does scare me. I am hoping that the honeymoon period isn't over quite yet. They say there is a 12-18 month honeymoon period and it has only been 8 months for me but I worry this could be it. With that said I can't complain but I will. I have had an amazing transformation in such a short amount of time. I've lost 150 pounds since surgery (in 8 months) which I feel like is quite a blessing in itself.  I haven't weighed myself in over a week because I've been disappointed every time I step on the scale. I have people telling me I look thinner so I may be losing inches and gaining muscle. I've lost a total of 226 pounds and have reached another plateau. But I'm sticking with my lifestyle and not giving up.

I went clothes shopping last weekend and it was bittersweet. The shirts I was able to fit into a size smaller than I have in my closet which was very exciting. So now I know officially my closet (most of it) is too big for me, well at least the shirts. The pants now that is another story. Because I have a smaller waist, big hips and my legs are fairly big I wasn't able to find pants that fit. I know I will probably always have to wear a belt so I can fit my legs and hips in pants (my Mom & sister told me they have to do the same thing). Now grant it the store didn't have any tall pants to choose from either which was disappointing. But I thought for sure I'd be able to find something. All of my pants of the same size at home are too big but in the store they are too small? Doesn't make sense. So that was very disappointing and I came home and ordered some pants online. hopefully they fit.

I did FINALLY hire a trainer! I am so excited. She is someone that was referred to me and had awesome results. She is close by and I will be meeting with her on my lunch breaks. I am so happy to have made this decision. She knows what she has to work with now and feels up to the challenge. We will see what happens. I will be mostly working on weight training with her since I have the aerobic stuff down with my water aerobics and the fact I can't do much on land. We will see what happens. I look forward to toning my body!

So there are some good things mixed in with the bad. I am trying to keep a positive outlook but also learning to just deal with my emotions and not shove them down. This is all new for me. I actually took a hot shower Friday night and then called to schedule a massage trying some new coping skills. The massage place was booked for the weekend but was proud I made the initiative to do something other than eating which I can't do anymore. I'm learning that being upset and sad is ok too. Expressing my emotions is ok. I don't have to be happy 100% of the time. I just know the danger comes when it consumes me which is I am not going to let happen.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for commenting. Thank you for letting me vent!

Update and more surgery....

Total Weight Loss: 219 pounds

Post-op Weight Loss: 142 pounds

Total to goal: 160 pounds
YTD Weightloss: 21 pounds

Well I am happy to report that I am continuing to lose weight (although I've been stalled for a week) That is always a plus! I want to take a moment to congratulate my Mom who has lost 34.8 pounds doing Weight Watchers. I am so proud of her. She has struggled with her weight most of her life as well so we understand each other's journey. But I am so proud she's doing so well! Our family is getting healthy which I am happy about.

I am learning so much about myself. Not only on the inside but on the outside. You mean I have a chin? Cheek bones? Ribs? Yes I can feel or see them all. I really must say that my upper body has really gotten small. I look at my wrists and barely recognize my hands and arms. I can actually see the tendons and veins in my hands. I haven't seen them in at least 12 years. I went to have blood drawn and was told I have good veins. I don't know if that was the guy hitting on me or complimenting me. :-)


But with all the good stuff comes all the stuff I have to deal with now. I went to the doctor to address a bunch of issues. I must say my doctor is so good at explaining things and taking all the time I need with him. In any event the main issue I went for was my knee. I told him (and showed him) that my left knee will not go straight. If I try to make it go straight it just hurts (intolerable pain). So he said he doesn't feel it is something that physical therapy would be able to fix at this point. So he referred me to a Orthopedic surgeon. Oh goody! Can I tell you the knee issues in the family...especially as of lately. My Dad has had multiple surgeries on both knees and about 2 years ago (maybe it was 3 years ago) had knee replacement on his left knee. My mother-in-law had knee replacement on her left knee in December. My husband just found out this last week he has to have orthoscopic surgery on his left knee and the appointment has been scheduled for March. My Mom is having knee replacement on her right knee in April. So as a joke I said maybe I will be having surgery in May. Uggghhh! But I am just trying to accept it as it is and move on. Then I also am having problems hearing. That has been going on for about a year now. Part of it is caused by rapid weight loss (who would have known) but I have had fluid behind my ear drum for over a year now and medication hasn't helped. I have fluid behind both ears but the right ear is much worse. So I am being referred to a specialist/surgeon to take care of that.  In April/May I have to get my thyroid nodule checked and measured and find out if it needs to be removed this year or if I can wait. I really wish I could have all the surgeries I need to have all done at once but I don't think my body would like that. 


But I have to remember I'm not a kid any more and things happen and your body breaks down. I know the weight really affected my knees and probably caused even more damage to them. My weight still isn't great so I know there is still lots of pressure on them. I am very grateful though for those days where my knees don't hurt. I remember not too long ago I only prayed for those days and they never game. I was in excruciating pain 24 hours a day. Now I get some relief in between which I am so grateful for. Then there are times where my knees hurt really bad and it just reminds me to be even more grateful for the times when my knees don't hurt.


I want to be a resource for YOU so please tell me if there are things you'd like to me talk about in my journey. Sometimes I find it easy to talk about my journey and other times I find it hard because I don't want to bore people. But obviously there could be things that I think would bore other people that just aren't boring to others. All feedback is appreciated.

Struggles Won't Hold Me Back

Total Weight Loss: 212 pounds
Post-op Weight Loss: 135 pounds
Pounds left until I reach MY personal goal: 167


Not much to report. My weight loss is coming off. I am exercising. I am being a good girl or at least trying. I am in the process of experimenting with new recipes. I'm bored with the same ol' thing and there are so many things I can eat so it is time for some variety. 


I'm still working up the courage for a personal trainer. Not sure why I am so scared. I am trying to reach down inside of me to see what the real blockage is but I can't find any answers. I think I do really baby my knee and have a fear of having someone damage it more. But I am going to start with going to the doctor and see if physical therapy is the answer or if it is beyond physical therapy. There are lots of knee issues going around my family right now. Mother-in-law had knee replacement in December, my Mom is having knee replacement in April (waiting for insurance approval) and my husband is more than likely going to have to have orthoscopic surgery on his knee. It isn't fun! But alas it is what it is and I will deal with it as it comes.


I do know that a personal trainer will get me more aligned with where I need to be. So my goal is to schedule appointments with a few personal trainers to meet with them by the next time I write my next blog. I think my legs are really lacking in so many ways. I absolutely hate the way they look and I feel like they aren't quite as strong as they should be. I also think my core is a bit weak as well. So I know a trainer will get me on the right path. As Nike says I just need to "Just do it". 


I feel like my health is really strong though. No major incidents of getting sick (knocking on a big block of wood). Prior to surgery I would catch things fairly easy but as of now all things have been avoided. My husband has been sick twice since my surgery and I haven't caught either of them. I am so very grateful for my health in that way. 


I am having a hard time taking my vitamins which I feared prior to my surgery. They do have a vitamin that is powder that I put in my water and drink it like it is crystal light so that has been very helpful but I don't always remember about that. My multi-vitamin and calcium are chewables because I don't swallow pills well. Plus it gives it a bit of flavor and some change. There are other vitamins I do have to swallow and I dread it. I find I do better during the weekend but the weekends really throw me off. As usual... the weekends throw me off in a lot of different areas. But I am definitely working on it.


If anyone ever says weight loss surgery is "easy" they obviously haven't ever experienced it. I hear people say it all the time and it really upsets me. I guess it is hypocritical because I used to think it was the "easy way out" myself. But in no way is it easy. It is a lot of hard work and dedication. You have to mindfully plan ahead to make sure you are getting the proper nutrition (vitamins and protein specifically). I've also heard people say that weight loss surgery is for "lazy" people. That really gets my blood boiling. I literally work my ass off with my workouts and in no way am I lazy. Not just the workouts but all of the planning as I mentioned above. I'd say weight loss surgery is harder than any "diet" I've been on. But I also know it is because this is a lifestyle change and lifestyle changes are very hard because you have to break those old habits. But I do understand it is easy to judge without having gone through the process or even done research on the process. Most people are ignorant when it comes to weight loss surgery and don't know everything that is involved. So I like to give people the real truth and educate them. Maybe I can change someone's mind. Not to have surgery but to admit that it isn't the easy way out and that weight loss surgery patients are not lazy.


To wrap this up life is good. I have some struggles that I'm working on but nothing in life is easy. I will get through it one way or another. I appreciate the support all of you give me, it definitely helps me to get through some of the harder times.

Progress Is Where the Heart Is

Current update

Starting (highest) weight: 579

Day of Surgery weight: 502

Current weight: 370

Total weight loss: 209

Post-op weight loss: 132

Yes, I am finally posting the true and said numbers. You know why? Because the numbers are not who I am but the numbers are a reflection of where I was an where I am now. So many factors are involved in the numbers though. Such as muscle mass will make the numbers higher, for a female during that time of the month numbers change and many other factors. But with that said I can say that I’ve had some progress.

My husband and I in Las Vegas, 2012

So my lifestyle change can be hard when travelling. I had to make choices eating out while in Vegas. I made decent choices I must say. Chose to eat meatballs only at an Italian Restaurant (ate 1/3 of the very large meatball). I had chicken fajitas minus the tortillas and rice (so just basically chicken and some beans with some guacamole & sour cream). I ate a hamburger with no bread (ate about 1/3 of the burger). After eating the burger though I realized I ate way too much beef for me. I eat beef maybe once every few weeks but while I was in Vegas I ate it two days in a row. My body definitely let me know that eating beef that often is not something it likes. It doesn’t mind the occasional but that was too much. I didn’t throw up (thank goodness) but I just felt “blah”. Yeah I know that really doesn’t describe it but it is the best I can do. Just an overall feeling of “yucky”. I know I must have regressed with my vocabulary coming from that of a 4 year old in me describing how I felt but I suppose that is the 4 year old in me that has been telling me for years how my food habits have been. They have definitely been “blah” and “yucky”.

I was thrilled I was able to get around much easier than 3 years ago when I was in Vegas. I remember 3 years ago all too well. Walking and having to sit down at one of the slot machines just so I could catch my breath every 20 feet or so. This time I was able to walk from one end of the casino to the other with no breathing issues. The only issues were my knees (the left one in particular) which gave me some pain and such but I did it. I can tell I’m in much better shape since I am not so out of breath. If my knees were better I would have walked around like it was nothing but my knees still hold me back considerably.

But honestly I think the progress is where the heart is. I think inside of me is where the progress has been not only the most gratifying but the most work has been done on the inside and in my heart. I really listen to my body, my mind and my heart and have really began to sync them together. I think God has really created this wonderful being (me). I’m learning so many wonderful things about myself and learning that when I say nice things about myself it doesn’t mean I have an ego. I used to think that saying nice things about myself meant I had a ego issue and that people would think of me as “bitchy”. Well now I don’t care what people think (as much) and secondly I am a good human being and it is ok for me to say that. I am finally learning about what some of my gifts are. I have the gift of writing. I have had so many people tell me that but never believed it. Now I do believe it and realize how much joy I receive from it as well.

As each day goes by I become more grateful and humble for my health and the gift I gave myself. It has truly transformed my life. I see pictures of myself and I still am in awe. I haven’t seen my face look as thin as it looks in a very long time. My body has really thinned out too and I am so proud of the healthy lifestyle I have chosen and I have dedicated myself too.

Something interesting that came to me the other day. I was reading the People issue about people that have lost ½ their body weight “with no surgery”. What makes me most upset about that is that it is as if they are alluding to the fact that surgery is some kind of magic and people don’t have to work just as hard. I mean I give people credit for losing weight now matter how they do it because no matter if you have surgery or “diet” it is all the same kind of hard work. I mean do people really think that because I have had surgery I’ve lost this weight by watching TV all day and eating bon-bons? I’ve had to watch what I eat and specifically even more so than someone who hasn’t had surgery. I’ve had to exercise and I do exercise my butt off.  I’ve completely changed my lifestyle and I have changed what is going on in my head… which is the same as someone who hasn’t had the surgery. I understand that surgery is a tool but isn’t Weight Watchers a tool to others, Jenny Craig to others, so on and so forth.? I think it sort of belittles those that decided to have weight loss surgery and have had amazing accomplishments. I still hear so many negative comments about having weight loss surgery which upsets me because no one should judge unless they’ve experienced it or dealt with obesity issues. But alas I know people won’t change and they will continue to judge. Yet something else I wish I could remove to make this world a better place.

But I continue to stay positive and live my life and not try to let others or the media belittle my progress. I’ve worked so very hard to lose 209 pounds and will continue to fight hard for the 170 more pounds I have to lose.

With that I say good night, God Bless, and may you all have good health!

I've lost over 200 pounds!

I did it!

So I can’t believe I haven’t shared the good news here on my blog. What am I waiting for? Well to be honest I have been a bit busy. I’ve increased my workouts so don’t have a lot of time during the week as it is work, workout, dinner, bed. But the good news is on New Year’s Day to start out my day my body decided to weigh me in at a lower weight. As of the 1^st I had officially lost 202 pounds. Yes I even got an extra two pounds in that. That was definitely a rough plateau in which I was up and down 2 pounds for two weeks. I also counted how much weight I lost during the holidays. Only because that is when most people gain. I was surprisingly shocked (so shocked I calculated twice) that I lost 19 pounds from Thanksgiving Day to January 1^st . That is a lot of weight and to have 2 weeks of it with no change means basically I lost 19 pounds in 3 weeks. I am shocked that it is so much not shocked I lost weight. I didn’t eat bad at all and felt no guilt this holiday season. I kept my workout routine and pretty much kept everything the same.

So as of this morning (1/5/12) I’ve lost a total of 205 pounds (128 since surgery). I have created a piece of paper that has 18 stars on it. Each star represents 10 pounds. So I only need to lose 1 star 18 times for a total of 180 pounds. I’m 4 pounds away from coloring my first one in which is exciting.

So I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I’ve already lost more weight than what I want to weigh as my goal weight. I have lost more than the “average” adult weighs. I’ve never ever lost close to this much. The closest was when I lost about 115 pounds about 6 years ago. I am so humble about this change though. I know it doesn’t make me any more special than the next guy or gal struggling with weight. The only difference is it has clicked in my mind and I am taking action to make it happen. I know at any point I could gain the weight back which is my biggest fear which is what I am really trying not to do. But I like to focus on what to do and NOT what I shouldn’t do.  Because I’ve learned if you focus on what not to do well you spend so much energy on it; it happens anyways. Instead energy focused on what you should/want/need to do is much more beneficial.

Anyhow, I thank you all for your support and words of encouragement. It is all greatly appreciated!

2011 Reflection of the Year

Wow another year has come and gone. Some parts of this year I felt like it went slow (when I was recovering from my surgery) but mostly the year went by very fast. I always like to do a reflection of the year and I definitely have a lot to reflect on. The most obvious being my health. Someone asked me what my favorite gift for Christmas was, I responded with “my health”. It is so true. It wasn’t necessarily a Christmas gift but it was definitely something that I now treat as a gift and don’t take for granted. I’ve lost 141 pounds this year alone (and I still have 1 more day to account for). That is both pre-op and post-op. Post-op I have lost 121 pounds in 6 months. That is something I would have never imagined that I would lose so much so quickly. I am so grateful for this new tool I gave to myself. It was definitely a gift to myself I will always treasure. (I have it in writing now to remind me when I am at a point of plateau or frustration). I’ve hit a plateau this month but my doctor had warned me about 6 months ago that no matter what kind of surgery you have at about 6 months the body goes into a shock. The bummer is that I am so close to “200 pounds total” but I guess it just makes me stay on top of my game. But I know it has to come off eventually (I am hoping). I’m not done. I’m hoping by the end of next year to be at or within 25 pounds of my goal weight. It may be a little aggressive but that would be so amazing. I have tears of excitement just thinking about it right now.

199 pounds gone 12/25/11

Not only am I appreciative for my new tool but I am grateful for all the changes in my head that went along with my surgery. I no longer feel like I struggle with food, at least not right now. I know that could all change but my therapist thinks it is a permanent change, I sure hope so. But cookies, brownies, sweets in general do not tempt me. I don’t crave the sugars. I don’t really crave anything except once in awhile I crave a healthy salad. I don’t turn to food anymore. I’ve truly found new coping skills other than food. Food really doesn’t feel good anymore. I suppose from all of the throwing up I did in the beginning it probably really helped to change my mind about food. There are still foods that make me feel ill and sometimes I will throw up so I suppose having that “fear” sort of, in a small way, puts a fear of food in me. I think of it as a reprogramming sort of like a mathematical equation whereas; food = throw up. It is just not appetizing anymore. Although I must say I do eat, of course, but again I only eat for my health rather than for all the other reasons I shouldn’t eat.

199 pounds gone (side view) 12/25/11

Exercise is something I used to hate doing but now I enjoy it. I know I need to step it up so will be working out more and/or getting a trainer. I really think my knees and legs are still fairly weak, despite the water aerobics, and need to help build them up some more. I can say for a fact that water aerobics and water yoga have definitely helped my knees in recovering and feeling better. But I do love my water aerobics class a lot. When it is cooler it makes it a bit harder for me to want to go only because I am so cold the entire time working out but I always treat myself afterwards to the warm Jacuzzi to warm up and to relax my muscles. It is definitely paradise.

I’m unquestionably grateful that my knees were feeling better. Yes I used the word “were”. The last few weeks, my left knee in particular, has not felt good at all. Then to add to it I tripped and fell yesterday and I tried saving my knees by catching myself with my hands and upper body but my left knee hurts so bad that it has ached ever since I fell so I don’t think I accomplished what I was trying to do. I also ended up with rug burn on my hands (still have it on my palms) and bruises up and down my arms and back. I must have fell hard because I’ve fallen before when I was heavier (close to my highest weight) and I don’t recall being hurt this badly. Hopefully I will heal and everything will be fine but it really makes me appreciate those moments when my knees don’t hurt and I feel like I can live life again without pain and get some good sleep too!

I must also include that my sleep apnea is not as severe now due to my weight loss. I haven’t been wearing my mask for a good portion of the year because when I did I would wake up feeling like I was drowning in air. I was retested recently and my lowest setting is at the lowest setting they can make it at and the highest setting is only 5 points above that. I am hoping in another 100 pounds or so I can completely be off my machine! I also got rid of my cane this year. The first part of the year my knees hurt so bad that I had to use a cane for support a lot of the time. I was so embarrassed by it but am completely humbled that I am walking all on my own (pain or not).

I’m incredibly appreciative for all the support I have. I definitely couldn’t do this all alone. Very grateful that my class from Kaiser options program decided to keep in touch and we meet once a month. I am so grateful to have them around for support. Love you gals and guy. J I am thankful for all the support that I get from people online such as twitter, facebook and those just visiting my blog offering me words of encouragement or support. I also have a few message boards I frequent and although I don’t post a whole lot I am so indebted to be able to read up on something so I don’t feel so alone. I have several people on there that have lent me words of encouragement as well which I’m very appreciative for. My water aerobics classes have a few people I talk to and have made a few friends. They also will tell me how great I’m looking which does help me to continue on that someone can see changes. Last, but not least, my friends and family that cheer me on no matter what. Those that lend an ear when I just need to whine and complain, provide an ear when I need to share my accomplishments because I am so proud of myself, or those that just tell me how stunning I am becoming (although I do understand I have always been beautiful but I know that fat really can hide the real beauty).

I’ve really changed and grown a lot for the better. I really notice that I don’t let people walk all over me anymore. I stand up for myself and don’t let people bully me. In fact I will even say something when someone bullies me. I am still very shy in general though, especially in a group setting, which is something I think will eventually change. I don’t think I will ever be a social butterfly because I really have always loved listening and watching people, and that just isn’t who I am, but I do think as I lose more weight and gain more confidence I will come out of my shell a bit more.

I really look forward to 2012 and all of the accomplishments it has in store for me. But not only that but all of the opportunities in store for me.

I had a good 2011 but I know I will have an even more amazing 2012!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU!

With Love,
Shanda

Weight loss is nothing but a mental test

So I've known that weight loss (and any addiction for that matter) is very mental. What I mean by that is it is a "mind game". But I realized that really it is about 98% about the mental mind game and only 2% about exercise and "diet". Think about it... when you are mentally motivated and you are mentally ready for something it is easy to do. When you aren't mentally motivated and you aren't mentally ready then it is more of a chore and much harder to do and to stick with. That is what weight loss (and any addiction) is all about. But it isn't about motivation because that is short lived. It is about that little switch in your head committing to the change. 


I talked to my therapist last week and realized how much has changed for me mentally since surgery. I could swear that when they were rerouting my insides they also did some mind work and cut out my demons but I have no scars or proof that happened. My therapist mentioned I had been doing lots of work prior to my surgery and the surgery was the day it all just came together... and while she is probably right I find it absolutely amazing at how different I am than I was even the day prior to surgery. I was pretty strong mentally but things would bother me (scents of food or watching other people eat something I wasn't allowing myself to have on my program). But I am so detached from food now that I don't even recognize myself. Smells of food don't bother me. Watching someone eat something doesn't bother me. I don't think about food AT ALL except when I have to figure out what I want to eat which takes forever but nothing ever really sounds great. I don't have cravings and specifically the cravings for sweets which used to be my weakness. I don't have the demons in my head trying to talk to me into something. I don't have any negative self-talk. It is like all that was laid to rest while I was in surgery. 


So lots of things go through my head though. I stepped on the scale the other day and was the same weight as my lowest point when I was doing medifast. I got scared. I realized that there are some things that do scare me. I am scared that I may gain some weight back. I am also scared that all of my mental changes are all part of the "honeymoon phase." While it definitely could be I feel like I have committed myself not to a diet but a lifestyle change. When I did medifast it was a diet but right now I am living the lifestyle change. My therapist said it could be a "honeymoon phase" but she really feels it is more permanent since I've been so committed to this lifestyle for 6 months already. She also stated that I am very humble and have learned so much since gaining weight from the last time that I've probably have a good set of tools with me on my journey this time. No ego allowed here. Don't get me wrong I am proud of myself and I allow myself to bask in the joy of my hard work; however, I don't bask for long. It is a real quick get in and out type of thing.


Now don't get me wrong, I am not perfect nor am I the queen of health. I still can make poor decisions. But usually it isn't because I am craving it but rather because I am bored of my other options. But my poor decisions are few and far between and it is usually a poor decision just because it isn't as protein packed as it should be. For instance, Oatmeal would be a poor option for me but overall for most other people it isn't a bad option. But I add some unflavored protein powder and then it is a good option for me. Been loving my unflavored protein powder to add to food to increase my protein.


So my only hope that I am truly who am I am going to be, mentally, permanently. It has been so nice to not have to deal with all the mental garbage especially after a lifetime of dealing with it. Again though my guard is still up. I am ready for anything. I know I can do this and I know deep down that this is a permanent change but someone who has struggled with this for their entire life, such as myself, can't help to wonder some of these things. 


I haven't weighed myself in a week and I will be tomorrow so not sure where I am weight-wise. I cleaned my closet out which in essence was a cleansing of myself. It was hard letting go of the fat Shanda and all of the fat clothes. I'm not even sure why because I was so miserable where I was. I think a lot of it has to do with the change and letting go of the old and accepting the new. That has always been a challenge for me. But on a positive note I now know everything in my closet fits me. There were so many things that were hidden in my closet that I feel like I have a new wardrobe. Life is good.

50% of my weight loss GONE!

Well I can officially say I DID IT! I reached my 1/2 way point of weight loss. I'm so astounded! I'm sooo proud of myself! When I stepped on the scale and saw the scale say 389.4 I just started gushing with tears. They were tears, of joy of course, but I became overwhelmed with my emotions of joy. I've officially lost 190 pounds and have only 190 more to go. It seems so much more attainable than the original 379 I had to lose total. I feel like I've climb up the big hill and now I am just on the other side and get to go downhill. Don't get me wrong, I know that it isn't going to be easy from here on out. I have no expectations of it being easy and in fact I know that as I get closer to my goal it will be much harder to lose the weight. But I am ok with that. It isn't a race to the finish line. My body has to fight me... I mean otherwise it would be easy. But my body has every right to fight me as long and harsh as I abused it. I really did abuse my body. No one gets to 579 pounds without lots of abuse. But I think my body understands my love for it. Every square inch of saggy skin, cottage cheese looking thighs, saggy underarms that look like "Dumbo ears". I have learned to embrace it and love it all. I look at them as battle wounds. You don't go into a fight without battle wounds and well I have been fighting for my health and those battle wounds are definitely showing. I may eventually opt to have skin removal. It really just depends how bad it gets and if it gets in the way of everyday functions. I think my thighs and my stomach may be too saggy I will need to get it removed but only time will tell.


So speaking of saggy skin.... I know it is time to get a trainer. I'm so scared. I don't know why because I had one about 5 years ago when I lost weight the last time and I did fine. But this time seems different. So if anyone has a trainer they love that is in the San Diego area please forward me their contact information. I prefer someone close to my house or someone that can come to my house just so I have no excuses. I am going to see how much firming a trainer can do with my saggy skin. I also need to get my legs stronger. I am happy to report that my knees are much better. I really noticed today when I went to my appointment regarding my lump on my stomach (I will talk about that later). I remember going to this facility a year ago and couldn't walk to my appointment without being out of breath and in pain and I remember having to "take a break" just to walk a fairly short distance. Today I walked to my appointment with no pain (today is a good day) and I was not out of breath at all. I even took the stairs when I left. Now I don't always have good days with my knees. Yesterday my left knee kept giving out and hurt a lot. I don't know if it has to do with my workout on Tuesday (lots of leg/knee work) or it was random. But I am happy that at least I now have good days with my knees whereas before my knees hurt 24/7.


So as I mentioned I went to my appointment regarding my lump on my stomach. I went in thinking the doctor/surgeon would look at it and send me home. Instead he decided to go ahead and remove it. I was soooooooo nervous. The nurse told me he has been doing it for 35 years and that he is very good. She was right. He numbed it and all I felt was pressure and some uncomfortableness. I was really uncomfortable for about 3 minutes and was really hot but once he got through that part (I think it was the cutting) I was good. We talked about weight loss and he educated me on fat. How when you have too much fat (like I did) it can compress blood vessels as it did on mine where the lump was removed. He said it was a thrombosed varicose vein and had to put a stint in my blood vessel because it was attached to it. There was lots of bleeding that I saw by accident (he put his hands up and I saw all the blood on his gloves). But it doesn't seem like anything serious. He showed me what it looked like and it looked similar to the picture to the left. But it was definitely more lumpy.


I have come so far in my weight loss. I feel like this is my lifestyle and a lifestyle I can truly live with. I think that is the difference between now and all the other times I "dieted". Before they were just diets whereas this isn't a diet this is my new life. That is the key to success. Finding a lifestyle change that will help you loose weight but also once you get to your desired weight loss goal you can still maintain the same lifestyle and maintain. I know people tell me I'm in the honeymoon stage and yes I guess I am. But I am telling you... my head has changed and there is no honeymoon about that. I don't feel like I have to hurry up and get done with this "diet". Nothing is going to change for the rest of my life other than I will always have to be mindful of what I eat and exercise. I will always have to keep my head in check. In fact I have learned through my journey that beating any kind of addiction whether it is food, drugs, alcohol or any other kind of addiction, it is 99% mindset. If I have the right mindset then eating healthy and exercising isn't such a chore. If I have don't have the right mindset then eating healthy is a bore and exercising doesn't happen or I make excuses. I think that pretty much goes for anyone. The journey is one of a mental battle where we are battling ourselves. We are either telling ourselves positive things or negative things and that determines our actions. It is all basic and makes sense but never really made sense until recently.


Again thanks to all of you that keep me going. If it weren't for you I don't think I would be where I am today. Much love to all of you!