Reflecting on 2012; Looking forward to 2013

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

This time of year it is always good to reflect on the previous year. Both the good and the bad. What changes do I want to make? What do I want to be different? Customarily people do New Year's Resolutions but I feel like resolutions are quickly forgotten about 1/3 way through the year. I think goals are more realistic as it is something you can work toward through out the year. A resolution defined is a resolve or determination. Which is definitely needed. But a goal is the result or achievement in which effort (or resolve or determination) is directed. Very similar but still different.

December 2012 - approximately 290 pounds gone

In 2012 there were some things that I achieved and some others that I still have to work on this year. There are some things that are always a work in progress and sometimes a really hard work in progress. I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. I just want to be me but I want to be a healthy me. I also am hoping to inspire others so they don't get in the very depressed place that I was at my highest weight. I want them to know that there is hope if they are in that depressed place. It seems hard and sometimes it seems impossible but there is nothing you can't do as long as you put your mind to it along with some effort. 

Some things I achieved this last year (2012) are as follows (some may seem small to others but were big to me):

1. Loosing 292 pounds total and lost more than I weigh - That is something I didn't ever think I would achieve. I see others doing it and admired them so much. But now I am one of those people. I didn't have doubts in myself but that number is such a big number and can be quite frightening. This last year I've lost 90 pounds. My weight loss slowed down the last 6 months of the year but I also gained quite a bit of muscle (and muscle weighs more than fat) so I have to take that into consideration as well. I still can't believe I have lost more than I weigh. I am still not thin by any means and I still weigh quite a bit. But I've lost one of me. Even I am amazed at me but yet so proud of what I've been able to accomplish. 
2. Crossing my legs - I never ever thought that would be a big deal. It was on my goal list just to say I could do it but I haven't really done it most of my life so it wasn't really a big deal to me at that time. But now it is most comfortable and natural for me to cross my legs. I am shocked at how much of a big deal to me it has become and I feel so confident about it. So odd how things really affect us.
3. Getting to the 200's (pounds) - This was a big goal of mine since my goal weight is 200 pounds even. Getting into the 200's meant I had less than 100 pounds to lose. To some people that seems like a lot. But after loosing over 200 pounds it really seems much more doable to me. I do know that it will probably be much harder because the closer to your goal weight the harder it gets to lose the weight. But I am not going to quit fighting. This is a battle that I know I will be fighting my entire life. I know that when I get to my goal weight the war has not been won. It just mean the war has just begun. I am determined to win this war though and with determination I know a lot can be achieved.
4. Walking / exercising more - At my highest weight of 579 pounds walking was a chore and it was a big chore. Add to that the fact that I was bone on bone in my left knee (at the time I didn't know that). So walking was PAINFUL. I didn't want to get up ever because just getting up was painful. But now that I've lost some weight my knees are much happier. Now that isn't going to change the fact that I need a total knee replacement on my left knee. Also, I'm still in pain but the pain is much less with 1,172 pounds of pressure off of my knee (4 pounds per every pound of weight lost). I have good days and bad days which is much better than before when everyday was a bad knee day. This was the first time I've actually calculated the pressure off my knee and it is quite an astounding number. No wonder I'm able to walk better! But I can say my knee does hold me back from walking and exercising as much as I want to. I can't walk as far as I'd be able to without being in extreme pain. So I just stay grateful for what I can do and hopefully as I lose weight I can do a little bit more and when I get my knee replacement... WATCH OUT WORLD... I'm going to really WALK A LOT! I am still in my routine of doing water aerobics though. I do that about 3 times per week. We added two new members to our family this year (dogs) which really forces me to walk (we don't have a backyard so forced to constantly walk them). They have been a blessing in regards to exercise (and in many other ways which I will talk about later on). I started seeing a trainer in March of 2012 and she has really helped me build some muscle and gain some confidence in the way I move. Ann Rockeman at Integration Fitness in San Diego has really helped me to gain muscle so that I can burn that fat quicker. Not only that but has helped me to move in ways I didn't think were possible. I think everyone needs to hire a trainer when they are losing weight just to give them the confidence to do more and better. But not only that the muscle helps to burn fat which helps with the results we want. Plus muscle does look much sexier than fat or saggy skin. Saggy skin is still an issue for me but I know it would look much worse than it doesn't if it weren't for the building up of muscle. I sit here sore from my workout with my trainer yesterday but I am reminded I am alive. Although being sore isn't fun being sore helps me remember that I'm moving my muscles and body in ways I'm not used to. It also means creating of more muscle which means more fat burned and that I am grateful for. I jokingly complain about it but I truly am grateful for being sore. At my highest weight I didn't get sore much (other than my knee) because I couldn't move. Now I am so grateful to be moving!
5. Adding two new members to the family (dogs) - Yes, we weren't expecting to do this but it just sort of happened. We adopted two dogs in July from Rancho Coastal Humane Society. We adopted Scrappy who is a 7 year old male Corgi/Terrier/Lab mix. He is a really good dog and really loves to play ball and actually his life mostly revolves around the ball. He has recently become much more of a cuddler as well and I think it is just because he is finally adjusting to his new home. The second member to our family is Chloe who is a 7 year old female Lemon Beagle. They call it a Lemon due to her coloring (I never knew that or heard of it until we got her and they are the rarest type of Beagle). Although Chloe is a Beagle she is actually quite good compared to the stereotypes of that of a Beagle. She is a princess for sure. She LOVES nothing more than to cuddle up to me or my husband. She has anxiety issues when we leave that we are still working on. She loves to bark at other dogs when they are playing as if to say "Can't we all just get along". We really don't know why she barks but my husband and I joke about it. She is quite shy around other dogs but with Scrappy around she is starting to come around a little bit. Adopting older dogs makes it hard in that you don't know what their environment was previously and they take some time to adapt to their new environment. Took some time for us to adjust too because we have 2 cats who are so much easier to take care of than the dogs. But we are finally all synced together I think. They have brought so much joy to our lives already and we look forward to many more years with them. The cats have done much better with them around than I expected. They don't love the dogs but the cats aren't afraid to jump up in our lap with the dogs around which is great. We still love the cats as well and are so grateful that they are so easy to take care of.
6. Fitting in chairs - This is a biggie for me. My entire morbidly obese life I have stressed about social situations. I have to sit (I couldn't stand because the pain on my knees was too much) and finding chairs that were sturdy to hold my weight and big enough to fit in (arms of the chairs got in the way) was one of the top things I stressed about being morbidly obese. One shouldn't have to stress about something as simple as sitting down but I was. I learned this year that the stress was also passed on to my husband. He told me he was worried about me breaking the chair and hurting myself and/or being embarrassed  So he would scan where ever we went to look for the most solid chair that I would fit in. It really upset me when I found this out because my weight was really affecting others. It is one thing when it affects you but it started to cause undue stress on his life as well which was so selfish of me. I'm so grateful for #RiverMacomber and his support. Now I am happy that I don't even think about this. I fit in chairs. Some are tighter than others as I still have large hips and thighs but I fit. No more worries or stress about going out in public. 
7. Socializing & going out in public - I had another fear of socializing and going out in public due to my size. Most people judge on physical appearance and I was so self conscious about it that I tried to avoid most social situations. I'm trying to be more social and I have been but it is still a hard one for me. I know people still judge which doesn't help but I am also shy when meeting with people as well. I always have been and am just not that social person that I envy. I think a lot of people may also take me wrongly due to it. They could easily see me as "stuffy", "snobby" or for a lack of a better word a "bitch". People that really know me know that I am a nice person and very non-judgmental but I struggle with feeling comfortable around people. Again, I consider this an achievement because I'm not totally avoiding social situations but it is still a work in progress.

Goals for 2013

Here are some of my goals for 2013:

1. Reach my goal weight - Yes, this will be a biggie for me. I think I can do it although I know it will be a lot of work. I consider my goal weight (with my skin) to be about 250 pounds. With skin removed that will make me about 230-210 pounds which will make me ultimately 10-30 pounds from my goal weight. But I don't know how much skin there is to be removed and I want to get to 250 which is when my doctor will refer me to the plastic surgeon. I am hoping some form of miracle will happen in terms of being able to afford it. It can be very expensive and I can't financially afford it right now. I know there are payment plans available to those that qualify (I should be able to qualify) but then I worry about the payments. The payments will probably be that of a car payment (if not more). But I have faith that God will provide and make it all happen somehow. My angel will show up.
2. Reach out and inspire/talk to others - This is really big for me. I really want to help others. My heart is really set on that. I want to talk to people and coach them along the way. I want people to know they aren't alone. This goes for anything though not just weight loss. The principals apply for any kind of addiction whether it is alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, etc. I know some people say food isn't an addiction. I strongly disagree. I used food the way everyone else abuses drugs or alcohol etc. I know I've heard of many people inspired by me but I want to talk to these people. I want to make a difference. I want to help people walk through the entire experience. So please feel free to reach out to me by email or give others my blog that you think could benefit from my story. I think the best part of achieving something is being able to help others in the process.
3. Continue to push myself in regards to walking/exercise - I want to really push myself this year. I need to lose this weight and getting closer to my goal I know that exercise will be extremely helpful in achieving this goal. Walking even more is going to be my goal but I am not going to put myself in immense pain either (knee). If that doesn't work then I will definitely be going to water aerobic classes more often.
4. Continue socializing - I'm going to continue to push myself to socialize and meet new people. Also to find some new friends. I have several friends but a lot of them live in another state and the ones that live here are busy with their lives and different lifestyles. I really am best with having a small tight group of friends. I'm sure it will come as I know I'm not a horrible person but I need to open up more which is going to be a challenge for me but I know I can do it!
5. Be grateful - I am very grateful for everything but this year I am going to work on being even more grateful. I have so much to be grateful for and I am often taking advantage of it.  

Life has treated me very well lately. My life hasn't been all bad, I've just had some really dark parts of my life but I am now really seeing the light and understanding how life is meant to be lived. It is meant to be lived to the fullest and enjoying each and everyday as it comes. I am very grateful for what I've learned on this journey. I know that this journey isn't over though...it has barely just begun.

I am Shanda and this is my journey.

Moving My Body

Well it has been awhile since I've blogged. I have been busy. As I reflect over the past year so much has changed. I remember a time when there was a ton of time. I couldn't move much so I sat in my bed or on the couch with little movement. Now I am rarely home and always on the move. I've been in bed sick (sore throat) for the last 24+ hours and I can't stand not being active. I really have realized just how far I've come in such a short amount of time. My trainer took some pictures of me in action and in looking at them I realize how far I've come. I couldn't move like that even a year ago. I definitely couldn't get down on my knees and there I am on my knees. I couldn't lift very much either and now I'm lifting 20 pounds in each arm. It  never ceases to amaze me just how far I've come. I would have thought you were crazy if someone told me 18 months ago what was in store for me. I didn't realize what I was missing out on. Life can be so good and the food and extra weight (or the thing we are drowning our sorrows in) can really blind us. I had just about given up hope. I was at the rock bottom and somehow I was able to dig myself out from under the bottom to being on top. I am on top and I will never allow myself to go there again. I am so grateful to all of you as your support helps keep me "in-check". 

As far as weight-loss goes it is up and down right now. But I am focusing on the inches and the last time I checked a few weeks ago it was about 9 inches down in a total of 6 weeks. I will be happy once I am in the 200's which is so close yet so far away. My weight loss has definitely slowed down so this is where the real hard work comes into play. I have a little over 100 more pounds to go to be at my goal weight. I was told I could have upwards of 45 pounds of extra skin. I really think it is closer to 20 pounds but won't really know until I meet with the plastic surgeon for a consultation which won't be until the end of the year.

I am hanging in there and continuing to fight everyday for my health. I hope you fight for your health too! I encourage you to find a buddy to move with. It will help keep you accountable. Also, find something you enjoy doing so it isn't such a "chore". Also, a personal trainer can help you to get stronger and move more and give you the confidence to be able to do it. I don't have much confidence to do some of the exercises but my trainer gives me that confidence which really makes a difference.

One Year Surgiversary...A Reflection of the Last Year

I just recently celebrated my one year surgiversary (on June 14th). It was one year ago that I went and had my guts rearranged without knowing what the outcome would be. It was something that I didn't take lightly. I researched for several years contemplating if this was the right choice for me. I also did a lot of praying about it. I'm not a religious person but I am very spiritual. I came to realize that you really don't know the answer until you go through with it. But I felt at ease going through with it so I knew that was my sign that it was right for me. I had no idea if I was going to have a hard time or an easy time. Everything was unknown which was the scary part. I hoped to have a easy time and for the most part I did. The first three months there was a lot of throwing up going on. I really learned that I had to listen to what my body did and didn't like and how I felt when I was full and that just one more bite could make the difference of throwing up or not.


In one year I lost 184 pounds. That is remarkable, in my opinion. My surgeon seems to think so too. He even gave me a big hug because he was so excited for me. As of my surgiversary date I had lost a total of 260 pounds total. That is such a huge number and really is hard to fathom I've done all of that hard work. Every ounce of blood, sweat and tears contributed to that weight loss. Lots of decisions were made as well. A decision to eat this and not that, definitely lots of those types of decisions.


So much has changed in just one year. I don't depend on my husband to do as much for me. I was so heavy and being that I was bone on bone in my left knee... just standing hurt let alone walking a step or two. So it was hard for me to get up and do things for myself. Now I get up and do things for myself even when my knee (or now my back) are hurting. The pain will always hurt but it is much different with 260 pounds off of my knees (which is 1,040 pounds reduction in pressure in my knees). I am so much more mobile and aren't stressing out in almost every situation like I was previously. I'm not as worried about fitting in chairs as most chairs that I sit in I can fit with ease. I don't worry about being able to walk around as I know I can walk around (but still can't walk all day). I will take the improvement I do have though. I'm sure once I have my knee replacement things will change for the better (was I recover).


I feel different. I feel so thankful to be alive. I feel like living life instead of dreading life. My outlook is so much more positive. I actually can look in the mirror and find myself attractive and love myself. That has been lots of therapy though. I even am learning to love all of the imperfections. I won't ever be perfect so I am acting me how I am. Again, it has been a work in progress. I can now cross my legs and am quite comfortable when doing it. I can see my clavicle bones (collar bones) in my chest which is surprising since I still have 115 (as of today) more pounds to lose.


The other good news is that my surgeon, my doctor and I are all on the same page in regards to a goal weight. That is a miracle in itself because my goal weight is higher than the BMI charts. My doctor told me that the BMI charts don't take into consideration muscle mass or bone density (which I knew) so they aren't accurate for someone who has some muscle (me) and big boned (me). But I was thrilled with that and that I don't have some unreasonable expectations.


With the weight loss has come all sort of other issues. I'm having hormone issues (big time), back issues and a few other things that are a result of the weight loss. But in the scheme of things I am happy to have my health back and I'm probably the healthiest I've ever been in my entire life. It feels so great!


I really encourage others to find support in what ever it is that you are trying to do. There is nothing worse than feeling alone and like you are the only one on the journey. I'm talking whether it is weight loss, smoking, alcohol...anything. There are support groups everywhere for everything these days. I know for me having a support group has made all the difference in my progress. Knowing I'm not the only one battling this battle definitely helps me to move forward in the right direction.


I'm hoping to be at or very near my goal at my 2 year surgiversary. I think losing the rest of the weight in the next year is realistic. I'm also factoring in that there will be skin to remove that will weigh something (maybe 20 pounds). So I'm really looking at maybe loosing approximately 100 pounds in a year. I know with lots of hard work and determination I can do it!


Thank you all for your feedback, your input and your support. I love hearing from each and everyone of you, even if I don't always respond to everyone. Here's to another year of life, love and health!

Makeover and 250 Pounds Gone, Oh My!

So much has happened since I last blogged. I have to say I’ve been very busy. Not a bad thing at all necessarily but nonetheless it is what it is! J So I am hoping I can break everything in an organized manner as there is so much to talk about. Let’s start with what many people don’t know about or have asked me about.

“THE MAKEOVER”. Yes, that is right I got not one, but TWO makeovers for FREE. I always love the word FREE. So to start off with, some of you know that I was almost selected to be on the Biggest Loser Season 8. At the last minute they changed their mind. I was very upset at the time but looking back I think it was definitely the best thing to happen. So many people that go on the show come home and gain their weight back for many different reasons (which is my biggest fear) and I really think I needed something more drastic (my surgery). As they say, things happen for a reason. So the casting company has me in their database and has contacted me in the past with different shows which I have applied for but never got anywhere. I’m also friends with a few of those people on Twitter. So one of them contacted me for a makeover show. I responded that I was interested and then was asked to send a picture of myself and my phone number to a certain email address. I did and the same day I got a phone call. They told me that they wanted to do a interview with me via Skype that day. I was working so I told them I wasn’t available until after 6:00 that I would still need to go home and download Skype onto my computer. So the interview was set. So I had the interview and they asked me the same questions but in a different way. I was smart enough to realize that they were looking for a different answer so I said my answers to their questions in a different way. That lasted about 15-20 minutes. They told me they recorded the interview and it would be sent to the producers for a decision. They briefly told me they hadn’t exactly figured out what the show was going to be called but something about looking younger and that I would receive a makeover if I were picked. All of that took place in February. I was also told they would be emailing me an application and I needed to fill it out and get it over to them. So I did. Also, just as a FYI, I did focus on my weight loss progress so far as the reason for being deserving of this makeover. So I didn’t hear anything for a few months and just figured I didn’t get picked. Then in April I get a call stating that the producers were still deciding on the contestants but they wanted to have us fill out the paperwork now. So we had to fill out more paperwork (basically giving up our rights to the photos/video of us). Then a week later I got a call stating they were still deciding but were going to tape on Sunday, April 29^th and Monday April 30^th and asked me which day would be better. I told them Sunday would be best (since I have to work and this was only a little over a week away with no decision yet). This was on a Wednesday and I asked if I didn’t hear anything if I could call on Friday. She was very sweet and said I could call anytime. So I didn’t hear anything so I called on Friday. She stated, “Oh yes I just got an email with those that made it let me look if your name is on the list… Ummmm…ohhhh…nope… oh wait… yes… Shanda Macomber, you are on the list you made it.” I screamed for joy and probably caused her to lose her hearing for the day. My coworkers came into congratulate me (they knew I was waiting and urged me to make that phone call). She told me that I should be receiving a call from the producer with details. All she knew was that I was going to be getting TWO makeovers and the show is called “Make Me Younger”. I was also told it would be a YouTube show that they are doing a beauty channel on (and who knows it could go to TV). I didn’t care if it was on TV or not just getting a FREE makeover is something I am always up for. So I didn’t get the “Call Sheet” until the day before I got my makeover. It has the executive producers information, camera guys, stylist, contestants (me), etc.  It was so cool to see my name on that. I did some research the night before and realized the executive producers are the same executive producers as The Biggest Loser & The Amazing Race (among other shows). That made me very nervous and excited at the same time. So I had to drive to West Hollywood and I left early and got there a few hours early. So River and I went and got some coffee and took bathroom breaks. I was super nervous! I finally went in and people were greeting me and congratulating me. I wasn’t sure what they were congratulating me on until I asked and they said your weight loss of course. Everyone knew my story apparently and everyone was so inspired. I was so humbled. So I had to weight hour and a half before anything started happening. Then I did my before pictures and my plea as to why I deserved this in front of the cameras. They coached me somewhat and were so impressed that I had lost an additional 20 pounds from what they had on their sheet. So I really did a bad job at that because I was so nervous. Luckily they can edit and put together all the pieces which is what they are going to have to do. Then we took a break for lunch and they had food catered. I was so nervous there wasn’t going to be anything I could eat but they did have some chicken and veggies that I was able to eat. Then it was time to go back and I had my first makeover with Joey. He was the most awesome stylist. He asked me what my original hair color is (because I had some blonde and brown in my hair) and I told him I’m a natural red-head. He said he couldn’t imagine me as anything but a red-head but he wanted to die my hair a different shade of red and go with a Julianne Moore look. I told him I thought she was absolutely gorgeous and to go for it. Now let me intervene here for a second that there were no mirrors in this salon and if there were mirrors they were covered up with trash bags. They really did not want us to see ourselves ahead of time. So Joey dyed my hair, put me under the dryer, rinsed my hair and then blow dried me. People were walking by saying “Oh you look gorgeous” or “Wow, you look amazing”. All these comments was making me more anxious. I’m telling you EVERYONE was gawking over me (what a nice change). So then next was the make-up. The camera guys were on us pretty much the entire time. They would ask questions and we would respond. If there wasn’t a camera in front of us then there a camera on the wall that was recording us as well. We had microphones taped inside of our shirts so they could have better sound quality. So the last thing we had to do was go get changed. I told him I had a blue shirt or a purple shirt and asked which would look better. He said to go with the purple. So I went and changed. I came out of the dressing room and some staff was standing outside of the room and I walked out and all I heard was “Oh my god, wow, ohhhhhh!” and then the next thing I heard is “SHHHHHHHHHHHH QUIET ON THE SET!” They were recording someone’s reveal of their makeover and that is when we had to be quiet. I did feel pretty fantastic though even though I did not know what I looked like. So the reveal went like this. Everyone had to be quiet and they did one at a time (so 3 of the contestants/stylists had to basically just wait). So they did the reveal with the stylist and the contestant. Then when that was done they did an interview with just the contestant. Then after that they would do an interview with just the stylist.  This was a long process multiply that by 4 contestants/stylists per session. Anyhow when they finally revealed me I cried. I finally saw the beauty in myself but not only the beauty for the first time in the mirror I saw the weight loss and it baffled me. I can’t really see the weight loss unless I am looking at pictures but I saw it in the mirror so it was quite overwhelming for me. So then when that was over they gave me makeup remover clothes and told me to change back into my “before” clothes and wipe off the make-up for the next makeover. Joey saw me wiping off the make-up and said “I see how you are” I told him I felt bad because he did such a great job and I really wanted to show the world the way I looked at that moment. So I got my 2^nd makeover by Norma. I think she was really perplexed since he did such a great job. She left my hair color alone and decided to focus on my eyes and make them look more dramatic. I think she did a great job but the look was not as drastic as the first makeover. As a side note I had one of the other stylist come up to me wanting to make me over. He was very nice and I really did feel like the star there that day. The other makeovers turned out great but really I don’t think anyone’s was as dramatic as mine was that day. I left feeling like a super star which is exactly what I needed to boost my confidence to help me push forward to the last 136 pounds (as of that point) I have to lose. I’ve included pictures of the two different makeovers below (the first one is makeover one and the second one is makeover two). I don’t have any information as to when the video will be up but once I do I will be sure to let everyone know. I must say the most touching part of the whole day was when one of the contestants came up to me and said “I know why I was here today”. I said, “Yeah, me too, you were here to get two makeovers” and then I smiled. She said, “No, I was here to get inspiration from your story. You have really inspired me to lose some weight and I want to thank you.” I was so touched by that and I got a few tears in my eyes. I know I’ve done a great job but I am always so touched when someone is inspired by me. ME!? Yes, me!



Makeover #1



Makeover #2



So then the bad news showed up and we (my husband and I) got the miserable 3. His godmother passed away, then his Mom’s dog (who he picked out and had a strong bond with) and my great aunt (who was one of my favorites of my great aunts). That was really horrible but we get through things like that. It made me realize that it could have been me if I had kept up my old lifestyle. It really upset me that I let myself get out of control but again there is a purpose for everything so maybe I am supposed to help others get their lives back on track. I still don’t know and I may never know but I keep living day by day and helping others when I can.

Then back to the good news. I can officially say I’ve lost 250 pounds! WOW! I am soooooooo proud of myself! It has been a fight and lots of hard work but I’ve done it. I still have over 100 pounds to lose but 129 pounds seems like nothing at this point. Of course I won’t be saying that during a plateau but hey right now it seems so doable. More doable than at my highest when I needed to lose 379 pounds! I’m 29 pounds away from being in the 200’s since my early 20’s which will be a huge victory and I’m certain I will get there this year (even possibly in the next 3 months) which I am pumped about!

This journey has brought so many great things. I am so fortunate to have so much support and thank all of you! I had voiced my concern to my therapist that what if this was just the “honeymoon”. She said well it has been almost a year and you are connected to others with support so it isn’t just the “honeymoon”. She said support groups and supportive people in general is what made AA so successful. That we, as humans, need to connect with others that understand what we are going through. It was profound and something I already knew but never really made the connection. It is so very true. We definitely cannot get through anything alone. Whether it is death, food addiction, alcohol addition, etc. We always need friends and family as support to get us through our toughest moments and to congratulate us through our victories. We do rely on others much more than I even realized.

So thank you to YOU for being my support and being a part of my success. Now let’s celebrate! J

A Reflection of My Progress So Far

So I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. I'm not sure if it is because my birthday is approaching or if it is random but it could be a little bit of both. So yesterday I was waiting for my breakfast burrito to be made (I usually eat yogurt but my yogurt was bad so our office has a cafe and I ordered the breakfast burrito and ate the inside with the egg, cheese and bacon and left the tortilla alone) and I saw a butterfly. It was so beautiful and I can't remember the last time I had seen a butterfly. I then began some deep thinking and came to the conclusion that my life mimics that of a butterfly as well. I started as a caterpillar when I was born and then as I got older I spun my cocoon (which to me was the fat that I felt protected me just like a cocoon protects the caterpillar). Then the caterpillar turns into a beautiful butterfly which is me shedding my weight turning into a butterfly. It made total sense to me at least.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I remember one year ago getting that call with my surgery date. I remember that being the best birthday gift ever. But honestly, having the surgery was the best gift I've ever given to myself. I really wish I would have done the surgery sooner in life but they say timing is everything. Maybe I would have had the surgery but maybe I wouldn't have been as successful due to where I've been. I came from rock bottom and thus maybe I learn more and don't take things for granted. So I try not to reflect on those sort of things.

My trainer reminded me today how far I have come. She asked me what it felt like at my heaviest. I couldn't even describe it. I couldn't even fathom just how I was able to walk around with so much extra weight on my joints and having to move that weight around. My Grandpa told me a few weeks ago that I was carrying him on my shoulders (he apparently weighs near what I've lost). That really put it into perspective because I've always seen my Grandpa as a big guy. Not fat but just a big guy (he's quite tall) and well he's German.... he's a big guy. It makes me realize just how strong I was physically. Of course my upper body was really strong because I definitely used my upper body a lot to get me up but my legs had to move the weight around. Now I understand why my knees hurt so badly. It is amazing to me how things are so different when you are at a different spot in life. In the moment things don't make sense or they aren't clear. Once things are in the past and you have a different perspective things begin to become much clearer. It is like I had smudgy glasses on and now I have brand new smudge proof glasses, much better!

Another thing I was really thinking about is how close I am getting to being in the 200's again. I can't remember the last time I was in the 200's. I think the last time was possibly in high school. It has me giddy thinking about when the scale says 299! I'm only about 38 pounds away. I should be seeing the 200's this year! WOW! To think I started in the 500's last year!

I am beginning to see changes in my body both the good and the ugly. The ugly, of course, is all of the excess skin and it just isn't in my stomach. It is in my arms and my thighs and possibly my backside too but I don't see that. I probably would be at least 1 pant size smaller than I am now, if not more, if I didn't have all of the extra skin. Extra skin is not pretty...saggy, wrinkly and just plain ol' yucky. Definitely doesn't make me feel good about myself. But I look at it for now and try to think of it as battle wounds. It is the scars from what I've been through so to speak. But then there is the good which is many things. I actually have a shape now which is a pear shape versus being a round blob. My wrists and arms have really thinned out too. My trainer pointed out the shape of my upper arms. Yes, my upper arms (top part) are toned and have sexy curves. It is the stuff that hangs below that isn't so attractive but again the top part is looking good. The muscle, yes that is right I do have muscle, is starting to become more pronounced. My legs and and my core are also getting stronger but it is harder to see the results behind the loose skin.

My 35 year old body has been through some things that most people won't go through in a lifetime. I've really beaten it up. I'm learning to love my body. One of the things I treat my body to is massages. I LOVE massages and for my birthday I am buying myself a 90 minute massage because I deserve it! I'm not concerned about going out to dinner or eating. For me it is more about doing what makes me feel good and food does not make me feel good any longer. I will eat dinner, of course, but I will make it a healthy meal and take it to the beach and sit in the car and eat. To me that is the best birthday ever. Maybe I am becoming simple at my old age (hahaha). Maybe I have finally realized that there is more to life than food. Or maybe I am really tuning into to my body to figure out what my body likes since I've abused and neglected it for so long.

So as I sign off I want to remind you all what a positive influence you have all been in my life. Whether you've been in my life for a lifetime or only for a brief moment all of your support collectively has led me to where I am today. For that I am grateful! Thank you!

Good night.

Battling the changes that come up in life

Well life continues to happen whether I like what is happening or not. Now more than ever do I realize what an impact we make on our bodies good or bad. You all know I am very honest so I am going to be honest. I am usually very positive but with that said sometimes life isn't all about good times. Sometimes there are things that you just have to deal with as they come and sometimes they aren't good things. Sometimes writing here on my blog helps me sort it out in my head as well.

With that said, I got the results of my knees. I met with the surgeon and he unfortunately didn't have any positive news for me. My right knee (which is my "good" knee) he said is very close to needing a knee replacement. I have more cartilage on the right side of my knee than the left side (inside). He said in another 5 - 10 years my knee will probably be worn out by then. Then my left knee he said is completely gone. He did show us (my husband and I) the x-ray and explained everything which was very helpful. But I have no cartilage on my left knee. This is why I have been unable to straighten my knee. I am currently grinding my bones together and probably have been for a while as the bone looks like it is a bit worn. He said that my bones are also starting to bow and are currently bowing at about 5 degrees. So he then proceeds to tell me they won't do surgery on anyone unless their BMI is under 40. That is very understandable to me and what that translates to me is another 50 pounds or so. That isn't such a big deal to me. But he said age is another factor and at my age he doesn't recommend knee replacement. He said due to the fact that they last approximately 15 years (depend how hard I am on my knee) that I will have to have multiple knee replacements in my lifetime and with each knee replacement it gets more complicated. So he basically said to continue until I can't tolerate the pain anymore and see if technology improves. With that I was so upset. He left the office and I cried. No, I bawled my eyes out. Then I got my act together and left the office. I got to the car and bawled my eyes out again. I went to work and was so emotional and just drained. Every time I even started to talk about it I couldn't stop myself from crying. It was just a rough day.

This is similar to what my knee looks like. No space between the bones means
no cartilage which means bones are grinding up against each other. 

I had (and have) so much going through my head. What did I do to my body/knees? Why was I so careless? He did mention the history of bad knees in my family could have contributed to my knees. He said the weight didn't help it but being that I wasn't over 400 pounds for long he said that the weight wasn't the only reason for the deterioration. So all these regrets I now have that I can't take back. The damage is done. If... I should have...are all words that get me nowhere now.

I am "young" and losing weight should be giving me the opportunity to be more active and trying new things. Instead my activity is not much different now than it was 226 pounds ago. I had dreams of possibly doing a 1/2 marathon, hiking, and in general just getting out there and being more active. But now my knee(s) is holding me back once again. I am so mad and frustrated! But these are my feelings and no one can take my feelings from me. I expect to have a roller coaster of feelings. This weekend I got a lot of sun and the sun made me feel alive again. Honestly I felt like I was dead on Friday.

I'm not going to give up. I've already worked to hard (which is part of my frustration). But I will just continue doing my water aerobics which I know is the best for me until my knee situation is rectified. Luckily, I enjoy the water aerobics otherwise I'd be even more upset. I think the struggles are only given to those who can handle it. So I feel like this is only making me stronger. Hubby is amazed at how strong I am and was surprised that I really can tolerate the pain. I don't complain too much about my knees when they are hurting it has just become part of my day, which I know is unfortunate, but there are some things we just have to live with. Even if it is temporary.

My weight loss has slowed down significantly this last month which does scare me. I am hoping that the honeymoon period isn't over quite yet. They say there is a 12-18 month honeymoon period and it has only been 8 months for me but I worry this could be it. With that said I can't complain but I will. I have had an amazing transformation in such a short amount of time. I've lost 150 pounds since surgery (in 8 months) which I feel like is quite a blessing in itself.  I haven't weighed myself in over a week because I've been disappointed every time I step on the scale. I have people telling me I look thinner so I may be losing inches and gaining muscle. I've lost a total of 226 pounds and have reached another plateau. But I'm sticking with my lifestyle and not giving up.

I went clothes shopping last weekend and it was bittersweet. The shirts I was able to fit into a size smaller than I have in my closet which was very exciting. So now I know officially my closet (most of it) is too big for me, well at least the shirts. The pants now that is another story. Because I have a smaller waist, big hips and my legs are fairly big I wasn't able to find pants that fit. I know I will probably always have to wear a belt so I can fit my legs and hips in pants (my Mom & sister told me they have to do the same thing). Now grant it the store didn't have any tall pants to choose from either which was disappointing. But I thought for sure I'd be able to find something. All of my pants of the same size at home are too big but in the store they are too small? Doesn't make sense. So that was very disappointing and I came home and ordered some pants online. hopefully they fit.

I did FINALLY hire a trainer! I am so excited. She is someone that was referred to me and had awesome results. She is close by and I will be meeting with her on my lunch breaks. I am so happy to have made this decision. She knows what she has to work with now and feels up to the challenge. We will see what happens. I will be mostly working on weight training with her since I have the aerobic stuff down with my water aerobics and the fact I can't do much on land. We will see what happens. I look forward to toning my body!

So there are some good things mixed in with the bad. I am trying to keep a positive outlook but also learning to just deal with my emotions and not shove them down. This is all new for me. I actually took a hot shower Friday night and then called to schedule a massage trying some new coping skills. The massage place was booked for the weekend but was proud I made the initiative to do something other than eating which I can't do anymore. I'm learning that being upset and sad is ok too. Expressing my emotions is ok. I don't have to be happy 100% of the time. I just know the danger comes when it consumes me which is I am not going to let happen.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for commenting. Thank you for letting me vent!

I've lost over 200 pounds!

I did it!

So I can’t believe I haven’t shared the good news here on my blog. What am I waiting for? Well to be honest I have been a bit busy. I’ve increased my workouts so don’t have a lot of time during the week as it is work, workout, dinner, bed. But the good news is on New Year’s Day to start out my day my body decided to weigh me in at a lower weight. As of the 1^st I had officially lost 202 pounds. Yes I even got an extra two pounds in that. That was definitely a rough plateau in which I was up and down 2 pounds for two weeks. I also counted how much weight I lost during the holidays. Only because that is when most people gain. I was surprisingly shocked (so shocked I calculated twice) that I lost 19 pounds from Thanksgiving Day to January 1^st . That is a lot of weight and to have 2 weeks of it with no change means basically I lost 19 pounds in 3 weeks. I am shocked that it is so much not shocked I lost weight. I didn’t eat bad at all and felt no guilt this holiday season. I kept my workout routine and pretty much kept everything the same.

So as of this morning (1/5/12) I’ve lost a total of 205 pounds (128 since surgery). I have created a piece of paper that has 18 stars on it. Each star represents 10 pounds. So I only need to lose 1 star 18 times for a total of 180 pounds. I’m 4 pounds away from coloring my first one in which is exciting.

So I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I’ve already lost more weight than what I want to weigh as my goal weight. I have lost more than the “average” adult weighs. I’ve never ever lost close to this much. The closest was when I lost about 115 pounds about 6 years ago. I am so humble about this change though. I know it doesn’t make me any more special than the next guy or gal struggling with weight. The only difference is it has clicked in my mind and I am taking action to make it happen. I know at any point I could gain the weight back which is my biggest fear which is what I am really trying not to do. But I like to focus on what to do and NOT what I shouldn’t do.  Because I’ve learned if you focus on what not to do well you spend so much energy on it; it happens anyways. Instead energy focused on what you should/want/need to do is much more beneficial.

Anyhow, I thank you all for your support and words of encouragement. It is all greatly appreciated!

2011 Reflection of the Year

Wow another year has come and gone. Some parts of this year I felt like it went slow (when I was recovering from my surgery) but mostly the year went by very fast. I always like to do a reflection of the year and I definitely have a lot to reflect on. The most obvious being my health. Someone asked me what my favorite gift for Christmas was, I responded with “my health”. It is so true. It wasn’t necessarily a Christmas gift but it was definitely something that I now treat as a gift and don’t take for granted. I’ve lost 141 pounds this year alone (and I still have 1 more day to account for). That is both pre-op and post-op. Post-op I have lost 121 pounds in 6 months. That is something I would have never imagined that I would lose so much so quickly. I am so grateful for this new tool I gave to myself. It was definitely a gift to myself I will always treasure. (I have it in writing now to remind me when I am at a point of plateau or frustration). I’ve hit a plateau this month but my doctor had warned me about 6 months ago that no matter what kind of surgery you have at about 6 months the body goes into a shock. The bummer is that I am so close to “200 pounds total” but I guess it just makes me stay on top of my game. But I know it has to come off eventually (I am hoping). I’m not done. I’m hoping by the end of next year to be at or within 25 pounds of my goal weight. It may be a little aggressive but that would be so amazing. I have tears of excitement just thinking about it right now.

199 pounds gone 12/25/11

Not only am I appreciative for my new tool but I am grateful for all the changes in my head that went along with my surgery. I no longer feel like I struggle with food, at least not right now. I know that could all change but my therapist thinks it is a permanent change, I sure hope so. But cookies, brownies, sweets in general do not tempt me. I don’t crave the sugars. I don’t really crave anything except once in awhile I crave a healthy salad. I don’t turn to food anymore. I’ve truly found new coping skills other than food. Food really doesn’t feel good anymore. I suppose from all of the throwing up I did in the beginning it probably really helped to change my mind about food. There are still foods that make me feel ill and sometimes I will throw up so I suppose having that “fear” sort of, in a small way, puts a fear of food in me. I think of it as a reprogramming sort of like a mathematical equation whereas; food = throw up. It is just not appetizing anymore. Although I must say I do eat, of course, but again I only eat for my health rather than for all the other reasons I shouldn’t eat.

199 pounds gone (side view) 12/25/11

Exercise is something I used to hate doing but now I enjoy it. I know I need to step it up so will be working out more and/or getting a trainer. I really think my knees and legs are still fairly weak, despite the water aerobics, and need to help build them up some more. I can say for a fact that water aerobics and water yoga have definitely helped my knees in recovering and feeling better. But I do love my water aerobics class a lot. When it is cooler it makes it a bit harder for me to want to go only because I am so cold the entire time working out but I always treat myself afterwards to the warm Jacuzzi to warm up and to relax my muscles. It is definitely paradise.

I’m unquestionably grateful that my knees were feeling better. Yes I used the word “were”. The last few weeks, my left knee in particular, has not felt good at all. Then to add to it I tripped and fell yesterday and I tried saving my knees by catching myself with my hands and upper body but my left knee hurts so bad that it has ached ever since I fell so I don’t think I accomplished what I was trying to do. I also ended up with rug burn on my hands (still have it on my palms) and bruises up and down my arms and back. I must have fell hard because I’ve fallen before when I was heavier (close to my highest weight) and I don’t recall being hurt this badly. Hopefully I will heal and everything will be fine but it really makes me appreciate those moments when my knees don’t hurt and I feel like I can live life again without pain and get some good sleep too!

I must also include that my sleep apnea is not as severe now due to my weight loss. I haven’t been wearing my mask for a good portion of the year because when I did I would wake up feeling like I was drowning in air. I was retested recently and my lowest setting is at the lowest setting they can make it at and the highest setting is only 5 points above that. I am hoping in another 100 pounds or so I can completely be off my machine! I also got rid of my cane this year. The first part of the year my knees hurt so bad that I had to use a cane for support a lot of the time. I was so embarrassed by it but am completely humbled that I am walking all on my own (pain or not).

I’m incredibly appreciative for all the support I have. I definitely couldn’t do this all alone. Very grateful that my class from Kaiser options program decided to keep in touch and we meet once a month. I am so grateful to have them around for support. Love you gals and guy. J I am thankful for all the support that I get from people online such as twitter, facebook and those just visiting my blog offering me words of encouragement or support. I also have a few message boards I frequent and although I don’t post a whole lot I am so indebted to be able to read up on something so I don’t feel so alone. I have several people on there that have lent me words of encouragement as well which I’m very appreciative for. My water aerobics classes have a few people I talk to and have made a few friends. They also will tell me how great I’m looking which does help me to continue on that someone can see changes. Last, but not least, my friends and family that cheer me on no matter what. Those that lend an ear when I just need to whine and complain, provide an ear when I need to share my accomplishments because I am so proud of myself, or those that just tell me how stunning I am becoming (although I do understand I have always been beautiful but I know that fat really can hide the real beauty).

I’ve really changed and grown a lot for the better. I really notice that I don’t let people walk all over me anymore. I stand up for myself and don’t let people bully me. In fact I will even say something when someone bullies me. I am still very shy in general though, especially in a group setting, which is something I think will eventually change. I don’t think I will ever be a social butterfly because I really have always loved listening and watching people, and that just isn’t who I am, but I do think as I lose more weight and gain more confidence I will come out of my shell a bit more.

I really look forward to 2012 and all of the accomplishments it has in store for me. But not only that but all of the opportunities in store for me.

I had a good 2011 but I know I will have an even more amazing 2012!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU!

With Love,
Shanda

Weight loss is nothing but a mental test

So I've known that weight loss (and any addiction for that matter) is very mental. What I mean by that is it is a "mind game". But I realized that really it is about 98% about the mental mind game and only 2% about exercise and "diet". Think about it... when you are mentally motivated and you are mentally ready for something it is easy to do. When you aren't mentally motivated and you aren't mentally ready then it is more of a chore and much harder to do and to stick with. That is what weight loss (and any addiction) is all about. But it isn't about motivation because that is short lived. It is about that little switch in your head committing to the change. 


I talked to my therapist last week and realized how much has changed for me mentally since surgery. I could swear that when they were rerouting my insides they also did some mind work and cut out my demons but I have no scars or proof that happened. My therapist mentioned I had been doing lots of work prior to my surgery and the surgery was the day it all just came together... and while she is probably right I find it absolutely amazing at how different I am than I was even the day prior to surgery. I was pretty strong mentally but things would bother me (scents of food or watching other people eat something I wasn't allowing myself to have on my program). But I am so detached from food now that I don't even recognize myself. Smells of food don't bother me. Watching someone eat something doesn't bother me. I don't think about food AT ALL except when I have to figure out what I want to eat which takes forever but nothing ever really sounds great. I don't have cravings and specifically the cravings for sweets which used to be my weakness. I don't have the demons in my head trying to talk to me into something. I don't have any negative self-talk. It is like all that was laid to rest while I was in surgery. 


So lots of things go through my head though. I stepped on the scale the other day and was the same weight as my lowest point when I was doing medifast. I got scared. I realized that there are some things that do scare me. I am scared that I may gain some weight back. I am also scared that all of my mental changes are all part of the "honeymoon phase." While it definitely could be I feel like I have committed myself not to a diet but a lifestyle change. When I did medifast it was a diet but right now I am living the lifestyle change. My therapist said it could be a "honeymoon phase" but she really feels it is more permanent since I've been so committed to this lifestyle for 6 months already. She also stated that I am very humble and have learned so much since gaining weight from the last time that I've probably have a good set of tools with me on my journey this time. No ego allowed here. Don't get me wrong I am proud of myself and I allow myself to bask in the joy of my hard work; however, I don't bask for long. It is a real quick get in and out type of thing.


Now don't get me wrong, I am not perfect nor am I the queen of health. I still can make poor decisions. But usually it isn't because I am craving it but rather because I am bored of my other options. But my poor decisions are few and far between and it is usually a poor decision just because it isn't as protein packed as it should be. For instance, Oatmeal would be a poor option for me but overall for most other people it isn't a bad option. But I add some unflavored protein powder and then it is a good option for me. Been loving my unflavored protein powder to add to food to increase my protein.


So my only hope that I am truly who am I am going to be, mentally, permanently. It has been so nice to not have to deal with all the mental garbage especially after a lifetime of dealing with it. Again though my guard is still up. I am ready for anything. I know I can do this and I know deep down that this is a permanent change but someone who has struggled with this for their entire life, such as myself, can't help to wonder some of these things. 


I haven't weighed myself in a week and I will be tomorrow so not sure where I am weight-wise. I cleaned my closet out which in essence was a cleansing of myself. It was hard letting go of the fat Shanda and all of the fat clothes. I'm not even sure why because I was so miserable where I was. I think a lot of it has to do with the change and letting go of the old and accepting the new. That has always been a challenge for me. But on a positive note I now know everything in my closet fits me. There were so many things that were hidden in my closet that I feel like I have a new wardrobe. Life is good.

50% of my weight loss GONE!

Well I can officially say I DID IT! I reached my 1/2 way point of weight loss. I'm so astounded! I'm sooo proud of myself! When I stepped on the scale and saw the scale say 389.4 I just started gushing with tears. They were tears, of joy of course, but I became overwhelmed with my emotions of joy. I've officially lost 190 pounds and have only 190 more to go. It seems so much more attainable than the original 379 I had to lose total. I feel like I've climb up the big hill and now I am just on the other side and get to go downhill. Don't get me wrong, I know that it isn't going to be easy from here on out. I have no expectations of it being easy and in fact I know that as I get closer to my goal it will be much harder to lose the weight. But I am ok with that. It isn't a race to the finish line. My body has to fight me... I mean otherwise it would be easy. But my body has every right to fight me as long and harsh as I abused it. I really did abuse my body. No one gets to 579 pounds without lots of abuse. But I think my body understands my love for it. Every square inch of saggy skin, cottage cheese looking thighs, saggy underarms that look like "Dumbo ears". I have learned to embrace it and love it all. I look at them as battle wounds. You don't go into a fight without battle wounds and well I have been fighting for my health and those battle wounds are definitely showing. I may eventually opt to have skin removal. It really just depends how bad it gets and if it gets in the way of everyday functions. I think my thighs and my stomach may be too saggy I will need to get it removed but only time will tell.


So speaking of saggy skin.... I know it is time to get a trainer. I'm so scared. I don't know why because I had one about 5 years ago when I lost weight the last time and I did fine. But this time seems different. So if anyone has a trainer they love that is in the San Diego area please forward me their contact information. I prefer someone close to my house or someone that can come to my house just so I have no excuses. I am going to see how much firming a trainer can do with my saggy skin. I also need to get my legs stronger. I am happy to report that my knees are much better. I really noticed today when I went to my appointment regarding my lump on my stomach (I will talk about that later). I remember going to this facility a year ago and couldn't walk to my appointment without being out of breath and in pain and I remember having to "take a break" just to walk a fairly short distance. Today I walked to my appointment with no pain (today is a good day) and I was not out of breath at all. I even took the stairs when I left. Now I don't always have good days with my knees. Yesterday my left knee kept giving out and hurt a lot. I don't know if it has to do with my workout on Tuesday (lots of leg/knee work) or it was random. But I am happy that at least I now have good days with my knees whereas before my knees hurt 24/7.


So as I mentioned I went to my appointment regarding my lump on my stomach. I went in thinking the doctor/surgeon would look at it and send me home. Instead he decided to go ahead and remove it. I was soooooooo nervous. The nurse told me he has been doing it for 35 years and that he is very good. She was right. He numbed it and all I felt was pressure and some uncomfortableness. I was really uncomfortable for about 3 minutes and was really hot but once he got through that part (I think it was the cutting) I was good. We talked about weight loss and he educated me on fat. How when you have too much fat (like I did) it can compress blood vessels as it did on mine where the lump was removed. He said it was a thrombosed varicose vein and had to put a stint in my blood vessel because it was attached to it. There was lots of bleeding that I saw by accident (he put his hands up and I saw all the blood on his gloves). But it doesn't seem like anything serious. He showed me what it looked like and it looked similar to the picture to the left. But it was definitely more lumpy.


I have come so far in my weight loss. I feel like this is my lifestyle and a lifestyle I can truly live with. I think that is the difference between now and all the other times I "dieted". Before they were just diets whereas this isn't a diet this is my new life. That is the key to success. Finding a lifestyle change that will help you loose weight but also once you get to your desired weight loss goal you can still maintain the same lifestyle and maintain. I know people tell me I'm in the honeymoon stage and yes I guess I am. But I am telling you... my head has changed and there is no honeymoon about that. I don't feel like I have to hurry up and get done with this "diet". Nothing is going to change for the rest of my life other than I will always have to be mindful of what I eat and exercise. I will always have to keep my head in check. In fact I have learned through my journey that beating any kind of addiction whether it is food, drugs, alcohol or any other kind of addiction, it is 99% mindset. If I have the right mindset then eating healthy and exercising isn't such a chore. If I have don't have the right mindset then eating healthy is a bore and exercising doesn't happen or I make excuses. I think that pretty much goes for anyone. The journey is one of a mental battle where we are battling ourselves. We are either telling ourselves positive things or negative things and that determines our actions. It is all basic and makes sense but never really made sense until recently.


Again thanks to all of you that keep me going. If it weren't for you I don't think I would be where I am today. Much love to all of you!

So Grateful!

I really do have so much to be grateful for. I could go on and on and I may bore you so I'm not going to put you through all of that; but with that said, I am grateful for my new life. I really believe I was born again on June 14, 2011. I feel like that is when I became alive. That is when everything began to change both mentally and physically. I am so grateful for my surgeon and his staff. I'm grateful for such loving and supportive friends, family, co-workers and for my virtual support which is those that have never met me but yet continue to support me through my journey.


A lot has happened this last week both good and well I'm not sure if the other item is good or bad yet but I will explain that.


So the first thing is I am officially in the 300's. Yes, that is right... I went from the 500's to the 400's and now in the 300's. It is so exciting to officially see that first digit on the scale move. What a victory for me!


That same morning I was getting ready for work and realized after I put the shirt on that it wasn't my shirt but it fit. It was my husbands shirt but it fit me just fine. I will be honest and it was a bit big in the upper section but the lower section fit! Not that I plan on wearing my husbands' clothes but it was just another thing to celebrate. I ended up just wearing the shirt because it was a unisex shirt and well I was proud of the accomplishment! Honey, if you are reading this....no you don't need to hide your clothes. 


Yet again the same day something else ironic happened. So after I jumped off the scale I thought to myself "I really need to get a personal trainer. Maybe I will post for people to send me referrals." I didn't post it (and I still haven't until now) and later that day I got a message from one of my favorite teacher's in high school. She stated her daughter is a personal trainer and she really wants to talk to me about my weight loss as she just got a new client that is over 300 pounds. Is this going to be my trainer? Who knows. But I thought it was so cool it presented itself to me. Not only that but really my passion is helping others. My goal is to be able to inspire and motivate others to make healthy choices and life decisions. That is what I want to do for my job. I love Real Estate don't get me wrong but I think I've finally realized what my passion is. We will see how things turn out.


The last thing I have not yet categorized into good or bad news. But on Saturday night I found a lump on my stomach (lower left side). When I woke up Sunday it was reddish and purple. I thought it might be a boil. But I woke up this morning and it seems to have moved away from the skin or maybe it got smaller or it could all be in my head. But my husband definitely confirmed there is a lump. I see the doctor Tuesday morning and will determine from there. I'm sure I am fine but all prayers and positive vibes are appreciated. I will keep you all updated on that.


It is hard to believe I am where I am today in regards to my weight and my health. I took a picture of myself in hubby's shirt to send to him and I didn't recognize myself. I haven't really looked at myself (full body shot) in the mirror in 5 months. I noticed how much my upper part of my body has gotten smaller (considerably) but I've also noticed how my hips are not as wide as well. I'm definitely a product of my Mom so I know I will always have hips but it is so crazy how small I am looking. Don't get me wrong I'm not small by any means and I still have a ways to go but seeing myself shrinking is definitely amazing.
I'm so grateful for being able to live in this life and to share my journey. If I can just save one person by sharing my story then I am truly fulfilled. I love this life!

100 pounds post-op!

It is official.... I am now 100 pounds down post-op (177 total). It has been 17 weeks since I had my surgery and my eyes are filled with tears of joy. I would have never thought I would be where I am today. The weight has come off pretty quickly although I do have days and even weeks where I don't lose and sometimes I feel like I see the same number too often but 100 pounds in 17 weeks is absolutely amazing. Even more amazing is 177 pounds total. I've lost an "average" sized human.


I must admit this has been a roller coaster for me. Right after the surgery I would wake up every morning for about 3-4 weeks and wonder if I did the right thing and would sometimes wake up with regret. Looking back what I realize was that I was having a hard time dealing with all of the changes. My mind and my insides weren't connecting. My mind was still back in the unhealthy, OMG this is not enough food Shanda. The healthy Shanda was very upset with the unhealthy Shanda and so there was a war. There were consequences of the war which was lots of throwing up, nausea, some pain and lots of frustration but in the end healthy Shanda has won. Unhealthy Shanda will rear her head on occasion but overall I think she is dying. She is melting away revealing the healthy Shanda.


I can't believe how much my mind has changed along with my taste buds. When I had my surgery they only rearranged my insides ( have the scars to prove it) they didn't do brain surgery nor did they alter my taste buds although those have definitely changed. Once my brain caught up and connected to the new healthy Shanda things have been a lot easier. I don't have unhealthy cravings. I strongly believe it is due to the detox of sugar. Sugar is very bad and I remember the first few weeks when I did without it, I really did feel like I should be in rehab. Sugar was my drug of choice and I remember crying, yelling, getting depressed and just an overwhelming fear for those first two weeks. Now I don't care about sugar and I definitely don't crave it like I used to. In fact I've had sugar free candy and it tastes okay but definitely not something I need daily. Occasionally a piece is okay but chocolate isn't really appealing to me. I know... I'm weird. Chocolate used to be a favorite of mine... I mean I am a girl... of course it is. But not any more. I've totally detached myself from food. Nothing ever sounds good, I'm never hungry and when I do eat and I eat only because I know I need to nourish my body. I no longer run to food when feeling sad, happy, angry, depressed, etc. I've learned to reward myself in ways other than foods.


So for instance, to reward myself for 100 pounds post-op I am going all out and pampering myself. I'm getting nails back on (something that used to make me feel really good about myself before), pedicure and in a few weeks I have a 2 hour massage scheduled. There is no amount of food that could make me feel as good as pampering myself makes me feel. If I am feeling down I turn to a friend, journal, play a game, read a book or listen to music which are just a few coping skills I've enjoyed. Again, these fulfill me more than food would. Food was a temporary fulfillment that turned into a downward spiral of regret and frustration. The other things fulfill me without having a downward spiral. It is so amazing how much food really controlled my life. I was in complete ultimate denial that I was in control of food. Quite the contrary is what I have learned. 


With all of this said I am not perfect. There are times where I think about food and then think about the consequences. Due to the consequences (throwing up) I have not yet chose to indulge in food. This surgery really has changed my life. I know at least think about it before just indulging. It is like I was replaced by a totally different person. I am so proud of myself but this time (versus last time when I lost 115 pounds) I am not cocky about it. My ego is completely out of the equation and I am focused on getting to my goal. Once I get to my goal then I continue to do what I am doing. Knowing this is a lifestyle change versus a "temporary diet" makes all the difference in the world. So many people go on "diets" and do lose weight but they get to their goal and don't know how to eat and function and so they gain all of their weight back. That is exactly what happened to me when I did medifast. It was a great program to help me lose weight. But once I went off of it I gained weight back (and fast) and then I was completely and utterly out of control. I think if you are losing weight you need to find a lifestyle change. You need to find something that will help you lose weight but will also be something you can continue to do when you get to your goal. 


My next goal is 12.5 pounds away. I will then be at my 1/2 way point. Yes, it means I will be 1/2 way to my goal. I can't believe that is only 12.5 pounds away. With that said I know the reality of as I get closer to goal it will be harder and won't come off as fast is approaching. I still have a lot to lose but I'm thinking the last 100 pounds will be the hardest. But I am just living day by day eating right and exercising and it will come off one day or the next.


I must give thanks to all of you who have been supporting me through this process. There are many of you that have been following me since 2006 when I started medifast and your support then and now has really been my strength in all of this. It is amazing how much we can accomplish when we have people holding us up to reach our goals. I know for a fact I could not have gotten this far with all of your support. Whether it is those reading my blog, support on twitter or Facebook, those of you on my email list, my weight loss surgery group , friends at the gym, co-workers, friends or family your support has been helpful in my recovery and my success. I truly could not have done this alone. With all this said I look forward to sharing with all of you when I get to my 1/2 point in 12.5 pounds from now.