Ups and downs

So I am going through a sea of ups and downs right now. First the news regarding my 3 appointments.

The first appointment was with the surgeon. My height was measured and then I was weighed and my BMI was calculated with the machine along with my % of muscle versus fat. The thing that upset me is I shrunk 2 inches in a year. I've always been 6' or taller. But apparently I'm only 5'11 now. WOW! I didn't think I was so attached to my height but I made the girl re-measure me. No change. I have a hunch it has to do with my knee and being out of alignment. UGGGHH! I was so upset by it. Then I waited in the waiting room for the surgeon to see me for almost 2 hours. Yes, he was slightly (hahaha) behind. My husband went with me so I finally made him go out and see what was going on (because I was covered by one of those hospital/doctor gowns). Shortly thereafter the surgeon showed up. He came in and was very serious asking me lots of yes or no questions. When he was done with that he checked me out. He made the table go forward by accident thus causing me to fall forward and he said "Jerk!!!! Oh not you, the table". We laughed about it and it helped loosen up my tension. I had read reviews that he is the most serious and the most strict of the surgeons. He was serious at first but then became very encouraging. He checked me out and found a nodule on my thyroid that he wants me to get checked out before surgery otherwise he cleared me for surgery. My husband and I both asked him questions and he had answers for them. I learned the largest patient he performed surgery on had a BMI of 99 and that patient came out of surgery just fine. He wasn't worried about my weight at all. He kept patting me on the back reassuring me I was going to be fine. He was pleasantly pleased that I had lost about 50 pounds already. He said to continue losing if possible but definitely don't gain. He also put me on a strict diet no pasta, bread, crackers, chips, tortillas (no carbs) and no snacking between meals not even fruit or veggies. Then he wants me doing a protein shake for breakfast. The bad news is I'm feeling the withdrawals of not having the carbs. Mood swings and going through bouts of feeling depressed. I really did not realize just how much I was addicted to carbs (the bread kind of carbs). If you think about it they are a part of most of our everyday life. Mexican food has the tortilla chips and then tortillas, Italian food pasta, Asian food rice or noodles, American food bread (sandwiches, hamburgers, etc). I've had to totally change my diet and start thinking out of the box. River has been very supportive and has been doing it with me. Well when we eat dinner together he will prepare food that I can eat and he will eat the same things. We've gotten rid of most of the carb food. We have a small amount of whole wheat bread but he can eat that (plus it isn't that bad for him in moderation).  I know each day will get better and I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but when you are addicted to something you just have to go through the emotions. I can't pretend to be or feel something I'm not. I'm so used to pretending that everything is just fine and shoving down how I really feel. It's not all roses right now. I mean I'm grateful for things and such but I just need to, for once, feel my emotions and go through them and not shove myself with food. I guess that is how I feel...sort of naked not having those carbs. I'm struggling... I'm admitting it but I am strong and working through it the best I can. The good news is I've lost 8 pounds since Thursday. So definitely something to be happy about. I'm very strong in regards to staying on track right now but I just really miss my carbs it is as if I have lost one of my best friends. Seriously.

The second appointment was with the internist. I got an EKG performed by the assistant and the actual doctor came in shortly thereafter. He said my EKG was fine (which I didn't have any doubts about). He then asked if I was exercising. I told him the truth that I'm not doing much due to the awful pain in my knee. I do what I can but it isn't much. He then said he COULD NOT clear me for surgery. I just wanted to cry right there. He said he wants me to exercise 4-5 days a week for 45 minutes a day. He then wants me to fax him in 3 weeks and then he will clear me for surgery. I was so upset. I understand he has my best interest at stake BUT what is 3 weeks going to do? Especially since I have another 3-4 months until my surgery. How many people can go from exercising not much to 45 minutes in 3 weeks? When I was doing medifast and working out it took me months to go from where I was to doing an hour and my knee pain wasn't as severe.  How many people are wheelchair bound and have the surgery?  I mean I'm not 200 pounds. I know water aerobics is an option BUT it is going to take time to find the right fit (which I researched tonight). Find a pool that is heated and has a water aerobics class before or after my work hours. It is soooooooo hard to find a water aerobic class that isn't during business hours. Most of the classes are during the time I need to be at work. So frustrating! In any event I have started on my wii sports. My arms have been sore so I know I am doing something right. My husband and I have a lot of fun too. I'm working on finding a pool. Finally, I'm trying to walk more but again the pain is so intense it is just so hard. I'm sort of in a catch 22. Doing what I can though. Oh yeah... just got the shake weight and doing that 6 minutes every day. I did feel the burn tonight!

The last appointment was the psych evaluation. Pretty standard and normal other than the random math problems she was having me doing. I thought it was weird and other people that are in my class that have gone to their appointments had different people and didn't do the math equations. Just really odd. I was put on the spot and couldn't get a single equation correct. Well maybe a few. LOL. But she said I was just fine.

So all in all I'm cleared other than the exercise and thyroid.  So in reality I guess I'm not cleared at all. It is in my calendar to fax that internist as soon as the 3 weeks is here, trust me. I am truly working on that part as well.

Tonight was a lot of research on pools in the area. If anyone knows of a heated pool with a program with water aerobic exercises in the San Diego area (Carmel Valley /Del Mar) please let me know. It needs to be heated due to my arthritis in my knees not to mention I would not be motivated to get in a cold pool (especially if it is cold out). An indoor pool would be ideal but I'm not getting too picky. Salt water would be even more ideal but again I'm not going to be picky. In my research I came across water therapy and water massage and water tai-chi. The sessions look amazingly wonderful but are a bit pricey. But I may treat myself just once to try it out. It looks very peaceful but can get a good work out too. If I try it I will let you know what I think of it.

Well I am going to end it here. I hope I have kept your attention. Please continue to pray for me. I'm nervous about the "nodule" on my thyroid. I keep thinking positive and that it is going to be nothing but there is always that part of me that likes to freak out. Also prayers in regards to keeping me strong and away from carbs would be great. So far I have had followed my surgeons diet to the T and I would like to continue that.

Thank you all for your support!