Reflecting on 2012; Looking forward to 2013

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

This time of year it is always good to reflect on the previous year. Both the good and the bad. What changes do I want to make? What do I want to be different? Customarily people do New Year's Resolutions but I feel like resolutions are quickly forgotten about 1/3 way through the year. I think goals are more realistic as it is something you can work toward through out the year. A resolution defined is a resolve or determination. Which is definitely needed. But a goal is the result or achievement in which effort (or resolve or determination) is directed. Very similar but still different.

December 2012 - approximately 290 pounds gone

In 2012 there were some things that I achieved and some others that I still have to work on this year. There are some things that are always a work in progress and sometimes a really hard work in progress. I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. I just want to be me but I want to be a healthy me. I also am hoping to inspire others so they don't get in the very depressed place that I was at my highest weight. I want them to know that there is hope if they are in that depressed place. It seems hard and sometimes it seems impossible but there is nothing you can't do as long as you put your mind to it along with some effort. 

Some things I achieved this last year (2012) are as follows (some may seem small to others but were big to me):

1. Loosing 292 pounds total and lost more than I weigh - That is something I didn't ever think I would achieve. I see others doing it and admired them so much. But now I am one of those people. I didn't have doubts in myself but that number is such a big number and can be quite frightening. This last year I've lost 90 pounds. My weight loss slowed down the last 6 months of the year but I also gained quite a bit of muscle (and muscle weighs more than fat) so I have to take that into consideration as well. I still can't believe I have lost more than I weigh. I am still not thin by any means and I still weigh quite a bit. But I've lost one of me. Even I am amazed at me but yet so proud of what I've been able to accomplish. 
2. Crossing my legs - I never ever thought that would be a big deal. It was on my goal list just to say I could do it but I haven't really done it most of my life so it wasn't really a big deal to me at that time. But now it is most comfortable and natural for me to cross my legs. I am shocked at how much of a big deal to me it has become and I feel so confident about it. So odd how things really affect us.
3. Getting to the 200's (pounds) - This was a big goal of mine since my goal weight is 200 pounds even. Getting into the 200's meant I had less than 100 pounds to lose. To some people that seems like a lot. But after loosing over 200 pounds it really seems much more doable to me. I do know that it will probably be much harder because the closer to your goal weight the harder it gets to lose the weight. But I am not going to quit fighting. This is a battle that I know I will be fighting my entire life. I know that when I get to my goal weight the war has not been won. It just mean the war has just begun. I am determined to win this war though and with determination I know a lot can be achieved.
4. Walking / exercising more - At my highest weight of 579 pounds walking was a chore and it was a big chore. Add to that the fact that I was bone on bone in my left knee (at the time I didn't know that). So walking was PAINFUL. I didn't want to get up ever because just getting up was painful. But now that I've lost some weight my knees are much happier. Now that isn't going to change the fact that I need a total knee replacement on my left knee. Also, I'm still in pain but the pain is much less with 1,172 pounds of pressure off of my knee (4 pounds per every pound of weight lost). I have good days and bad days which is much better than before when everyday was a bad knee day. This was the first time I've actually calculated the pressure off my knee and it is quite an astounding number. No wonder I'm able to walk better! But I can say my knee does hold me back from walking and exercising as much as I want to. I can't walk as far as I'd be able to without being in extreme pain. So I just stay grateful for what I can do and hopefully as I lose weight I can do a little bit more and when I get my knee replacement... WATCH OUT WORLD... I'm going to really WALK A LOT! I am still in my routine of doing water aerobics though. I do that about 3 times per week. We added two new members to our family this year (dogs) which really forces me to walk (we don't have a backyard so forced to constantly walk them). They have been a blessing in regards to exercise (and in many other ways which I will talk about later on). I started seeing a trainer in March of 2012 and she has really helped me build some muscle and gain some confidence in the way I move. Ann Rockeman at Integration Fitness in San Diego has really helped me to gain muscle so that I can burn that fat quicker. Not only that but has helped me to move in ways I didn't think were possible. I think everyone needs to hire a trainer when they are losing weight just to give them the confidence to do more and better. But not only that the muscle helps to burn fat which helps with the results we want. Plus muscle does look much sexier than fat or saggy skin. Saggy skin is still an issue for me but I know it would look much worse than it doesn't if it weren't for the building up of muscle. I sit here sore from my workout with my trainer yesterday but I am reminded I am alive. Although being sore isn't fun being sore helps me remember that I'm moving my muscles and body in ways I'm not used to. It also means creating of more muscle which means more fat burned and that I am grateful for. I jokingly complain about it but I truly am grateful for being sore. At my highest weight I didn't get sore much (other than my knee) because I couldn't move. Now I am so grateful to be moving!
5. Adding two new members to the family (dogs) - Yes, we weren't expecting to do this but it just sort of happened. We adopted two dogs in July from Rancho Coastal Humane Society. We adopted Scrappy who is a 7 year old male Corgi/Terrier/Lab mix. He is a really good dog and really loves to play ball and actually his life mostly revolves around the ball. He has recently become much more of a cuddler as well and I think it is just because he is finally adjusting to his new home. The second member to our family is Chloe who is a 7 year old female Lemon Beagle. They call it a Lemon due to her coloring (I never knew that or heard of it until we got her and they are the rarest type of Beagle). Although Chloe is a Beagle she is actually quite good compared to the stereotypes of that of a Beagle. She is a princess for sure. She LOVES nothing more than to cuddle up to me or my husband. She has anxiety issues when we leave that we are still working on. She loves to bark at other dogs when they are playing as if to say "Can't we all just get along". We really don't know why she barks but my husband and I joke about it. She is quite shy around other dogs but with Scrappy around she is starting to come around a little bit. Adopting older dogs makes it hard in that you don't know what their environment was previously and they take some time to adapt to their new environment. Took some time for us to adjust too because we have 2 cats who are so much easier to take care of than the dogs. But we are finally all synced together I think. They have brought so much joy to our lives already and we look forward to many more years with them. The cats have done much better with them around than I expected. They don't love the dogs but the cats aren't afraid to jump up in our lap with the dogs around which is great. We still love the cats as well and are so grateful that they are so easy to take care of.
6. Fitting in chairs - This is a biggie for me. My entire morbidly obese life I have stressed about social situations. I have to sit (I couldn't stand because the pain on my knees was too much) and finding chairs that were sturdy to hold my weight and big enough to fit in (arms of the chairs got in the way) was one of the top things I stressed about being morbidly obese. One shouldn't have to stress about something as simple as sitting down but I was. I learned this year that the stress was also passed on to my husband. He told me he was worried about me breaking the chair and hurting myself and/or being embarrassed  So he would scan where ever we went to look for the most solid chair that I would fit in. It really upset me when I found this out because my weight was really affecting others. It is one thing when it affects you but it started to cause undue stress on his life as well which was so selfish of me. I'm so grateful for #RiverMacomber and his support. Now I am happy that I don't even think about this. I fit in chairs. Some are tighter than others as I still have large hips and thighs but I fit. No more worries or stress about going out in public. 
7. Socializing & going out in public - I had another fear of socializing and going out in public due to my size. Most people judge on physical appearance and I was so self conscious about it that I tried to avoid most social situations. I'm trying to be more social and I have been but it is still a hard one for me. I know people still judge which doesn't help but I am also shy when meeting with people as well. I always have been and am just not that social person that I envy. I think a lot of people may also take me wrongly due to it. They could easily see me as "stuffy", "snobby" or for a lack of a better word a "bitch". People that really know me know that I am a nice person and very non-judgmental but I struggle with feeling comfortable around people. Again, I consider this an achievement because I'm not totally avoiding social situations but it is still a work in progress.

Goals for 2013

Here are some of my goals for 2013:

1. Reach my goal weight - Yes, this will be a biggie for me. I think I can do it although I know it will be a lot of work. I consider my goal weight (with my skin) to be about 250 pounds. With skin removed that will make me about 230-210 pounds which will make me ultimately 10-30 pounds from my goal weight. But I don't know how much skin there is to be removed and I want to get to 250 which is when my doctor will refer me to the plastic surgeon. I am hoping some form of miracle will happen in terms of being able to afford it. It can be very expensive and I can't financially afford it right now. I know there are payment plans available to those that qualify (I should be able to qualify) but then I worry about the payments. The payments will probably be that of a car payment (if not more). But I have faith that God will provide and make it all happen somehow. My angel will show up.
2. Reach out and inspire/talk to others - This is really big for me. I really want to help others. My heart is really set on that. I want to talk to people and coach them along the way. I want people to know they aren't alone. This goes for anything though not just weight loss. The principals apply for any kind of addiction whether it is alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, etc. I know some people say food isn't an addiction. I strongly disagree. I used food the way everyone else abuses drugs or alcohol etc. I know I've heard of many people inspired by me but I want to talk to these people. I want to make a difference. I want to help people walk through the entire experience. So please feel free to reach out to me by email or give others my blog that you think could benefit from my story. I think the best part of achieving something is being able to help others in the process.
3. Continue to push myself in regards to walking/exercise - I want to really push myself this year. I need to lose this weight and getting closer to my goal I know that exercise will be extremely helpful in achieving this goal. Walking even more is going to be my goal but I am not going to put myself in immense pain either (knee). If that doesn't work then I will definitely be going to water aerobic classes more often.
4. Continue socializing - I'm going to continue to push myself to socialize and meet new people. Also to find some new friends. I have several friends but a lot of them live in another state and the ones that live here are busy with their lives and different lifestyles. I really am best with having a small tight group of friends. I'm sure it will come as I know I'm not a horrible person but I need to open up more which is going to be a challenge for me but I know I can do it!
5. Be grateful - I am very grateful for everything but this year I am going to work on being even more grateful. I have so much to be grateful for and I am often taking advantage of it.  

Life has treated me very well lately. My life hasn't been all bad, I've just had some really dark parts of my life but I am now really seeing the light and understanding how life is meant to be lived. It is meant to be lived to the fullest and enjoying each and everyday as it comes. I am very grateful for what I've learned on this journey. I know that this journey isn't over though...it has barely just begun.

I am Shanda and this is my journey.

I've reached the 200's!

First of all, I want to apologize to those of you that follow my blog and don't follow me on Facebook. I don't post on my blog as often as I'd like due to time constraints but on Facebook I do post updates more often. So please add me as a friend on facebook.

Well the big update (for those that don't already know) is that I FINALLY have a 2 in my weight. That is right. the first number is a 2, meaning I am in the 200's! As of this morning I was 294 (total of 285 pounds lost)! I am so amazed that I am so close to my goal weight. I know 94 pounds doesn't seem so close but if you take into consideration that there is skin that needs to be removed (20-40 pounds worth) then I'm looking at closer to around 50-75 pounds until my goal weight. I reached the 200's on Tuesday, October 2nd. Definitely a date I will remember. I reached the 300's on November 17th so it took about 11 months for me to lose this last 100 pounds. I know my last 50-75 pounds are going to be even harder but I know I can do it.

I've come so far in such a short amount of time and I have a hard time recognizing myself. I know my brain needs to catch up to my physical appearance and I'm allowing time for that to happen. But it is not just the physical it is also things such as crossing my legs, fitting into chairs, walking for some distance and not being out of breath. I can do all of these things now. My knee does hold me back from being able to walk as long as I'd like or being able to stand for long periods of time but there is significant improvement that is for sure.

I know there are some people that think I will gain it back. But for the first time I know I won't gain it back. I finally have the lifestyle change that I needed. I know I never won't to go back to that scary dark place. My life now is much more full of fun and life. I am so active now so I don't get much time to write my blogs. But I consider this a blessing. My blogs are good and I love to share with you all but really living life is what I need to do and I need to catch up since I've missed out on so much it seems. 

So this post is short and sweet because I need to go to bed. I am treating myself tomorrow for reaching the 200's. I don't treat myself with food anymore. Instead it is massages and spa packages. I'm going to Glen Ivy tomorrow and I'm getting a 80 minute body wrap and massage along with a pedicure. I'm also going to be dipping in the mud baths and into some of the mineral water. It should be a fun day of pampering which I deserve!

Remember to be nice to yourself. Treat yourself how you would treat your best friend because you should be your own best friend!

Moving My Body

Well it has been awhile since I've blogged. I have been busy. As I reflect over the past year so much has changed. I remember a time when there was a ton of time. I couldn't move much so I sat in my bed or on the couch with little movement. Now I am rarely home and always on the move. I've been in bed sick (sore throat) for the last 24+ hours and I can't stand not being active. I really have realized just how far I've come in such a short amount of time. My trainer took some pictures of me in action and in looking at them I realize how far I've come. I couldn't move like that even a year ago. I definitely couldn't get down on my knees and there I am on my knees. I couldn't lift very much either and now I'm lifting 20 pounds in each arm. It  never ceases to amaze me just how far I've come. I would have thought you were crazy if someone told me 18 months ago what was in store for me. I didn't realize what I was missing out on. Life can be so good and the food and extra weight (or the thing we are drowning our sorrows in) can really blind us. I had just about given up hope. I was at the rock bottom and somehow I was able to dig myself out from under the bottom to being on top. I am on top and I will never allow myself to go there again. I am so grateful to all of you as your support helps keep me "in-check". 

As far as weight-loss goes it is up and down right now. But I am focusing on the inches and the last time I checked a few weeks ago it was about 9 inches down in a total of 6 weeks. I will be happy once I am in the 200's which is so close yet so far away. My weight loss has definitely slowed down so this is where the real hard work comes into play. I have a little over 100 more pounds to go to be at my goal weight. I was told I could have upwards of 45 pounds of extra skin. I really think it is closer to 20 pounds but won't really know until I meet with the plastic surgeon for a consultation which won't be until the end of the year.

I am hanging in there and continuing to fight everyday for my health. I hope you fight for your health too! I encourage you to find a buddy to move with. It will help keep you accountable. Also, find something you enjoy doing so it isn't such a "chore". Also, a personal trainer can help you to get stronger and move more and give you the confidence to be able to do it. I don't have much confidence to do some of the exercises but my trainer gives me that confidence which really makes a difference.

Ups and downs

So I am going through a sea of ups and downs right now. First the news regarding my 3 appointments.

The first appointment was with the surgeon. My height was measured and then I was weighed and my BMI was calculated with the machine along with my % of muscle versus fat. The thing that upset me is I shrunk 2 inches in a year. I've always been 6' or taller. But apparently I'm only 5'11 now. WOW! I didn't think I was so attached to my height but I made the girl re-measure me. No change. I have a hunch it has to do with my knee and being out of alignment. UGGGHH! I was so upset by it. Then I waited in the waiting room for the surgeon to see me for almost 2 hours. Yes, he was slightly (hahaha) behind. My husband went with me so I finally made him go out and see what was going on (because I was covered by one of those hospital/doctor gowns). Shortly thereafter the surgeon showed up. He came in and was very serious asking me lots of yes or no questions. When he was done with that he checked me out. He made the table go forward by accident thus causing me to fall forward and he said "Jerk!!!! Oh not you, the table". We laughed about it and it helped loosen up my tension. I had read reviews that he is the most serious and the most strict of the surgeons. He was serious at first but then became very encouraging. He checked me out and found a nodule on my thyroid that he wants me to get checked out before surgery otherwise he cleared me for surgery. My husband and I both asked him questions and he had answers for them. I learned the largest patient he performed surgery on had a BMI of 99 and that patient came out of surgery just fine. He wasn't worried about my weight at all. He kept patting me on the back reassuring me I was going to be fine. He was pleasantly pleased that I had lost about 50 pounds already. He said to continue losing if possible but definitely don't gain. He also put me on a strict diet no pasta, bread, crackers, chips, tortillas (no carbs) and no snacking between meals not even fruit or veggies. Then he wants me doing a protein shake for breakfast. The bad news is I'm feeling the withdrawals of not having the carbs. Mood swings and going through bouts of feeling depressed. I really did not realize just how much I was addicted to carbs (the bread kind of carbs). If you think about it they are a part of most of our everyday life. Mexican food has the tortilla chips and then tortillas, Italian food pasta, Asian food rice or noodles, American food bread (sandwiches, hamburgers, etc). I've had to totally change my diet and start thinking out of the box. River has been very supportive and has been doing it with me. Well when we eat dinner together he will prepare food that I can eat and he will eat the same things. We've gotten rid of most of the carb food. We have a small amount of whole wheat bread but he can eat that (plus it isn't that bad for him in moderation).  I know each day will get better and I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but when you are addicted to something you just have to go through the emotions. I can't pretend to be or feel something I'm not. I'm so used to pretending that everything is just fine and shoving down how I really feel. It's not all roses right now. I mean I'm grateful for things and such but I just need to, for once, feel my emotions and go through them and not shove myself with food. I guess that is how I feel...sort of naked not having those carbs. I'm struggling... I'm admitting it but I am strong and working through it the best I can. The good news is I've lost 8 pounds since Thursday. So definitely something to be happy about. I'm very strong in regards to staying on track right now but I just really miss my carbs it is as if I have lost one of my best friends. Seriously.

The second appointment was with the internist. I got an EKG performed by the assistant and the actual doctor came in shortly thereafter. He said my EKG was fine (which I didn't have any doubts about). He then asked if I was exercising. I told him the truth that I'm not doing much due to the awful pain in my knee. I do what I can but it isn't much. He then said he COULD NOT clear me for surgery. I just wanted to cry right there. He said he wants me to exercise 4-5 days a week for 45 minutes a day. He then wants me to fax him in 3 weeks and then he will clear me for surgery. I was so upset. I understand he has my best interest at stake BUT what is 3 weeks going to do? Especially since I have another 3-4 months until my surgery. How many people can go from exercising not much to 45 minutes in 3 weeks? When I was doing medifast and working out it took me months to go from where I was to doing an hour and my knee pain wasn't as severe.  How many people are wheelchair bound and have the surgery?  I mean I'm not 200 pounds. I know water aerobics is an option BUT it is going to take time to find the right fit (which I researched tonight). Find a pool that is heated and has a water aerobics class before or after my work hours. It is soooooooo hard to find a water aerobic class that isn't during business hours. Most of the classes are during the time I need to be at work. So frustrating! In any event I have started on my wii sports. My arms have been sore so I know I am doing something right. My husband and I have a lot of fun too. I'm working on finding a pool. Finally, I'm trying to walk more but again the pain is so intense it is just so hard. I'm sort of in a catch 22. Doing what I can though. Oh yeah... just got the shake weight and doing that 6 minutes every day. I did feel the burn tonight!

The last appointment was the psych evaluation. Pretty standard and normal other than the random math problems she was having me doing. I thought it was weird and other people that are in my class that have gone to their appointments had different people and didn't do the math equations. Just really odd. I was put on the spot and couldn't get a single equation correct. Well maybe a few. LOL. But she said I was just fine.

So all in all I'm cleared other than the exercise and thyroid.  So in reality I guess I'm not cleared at all. It is in my calendar to fax that internist as soon as the 3 weeks is here, trust me. I am truly working on that part as well.

Tonight was a lot of research on pools in the area. If anyone knows of a heated pool with a program with water aerobic exercises in the San Diego area (Carmel Valley /Del Mar) please let me know. It needs to be heated due to my arthritis in my knees not to mention I would not be motivated to get in a cold pool (especially if it is cold out). An indoor pool would be ideal but I'm not getting too picky. Salt water would be even more ideal but again I'm not going to be picky. In my research I came across water therapy and water massage and water tai-chi. The sessions look amazingly wonderful but are a bit pricey. But I may treat myself just once to try it out. It looks very peaceful but can get a good work out too. If I try it I will let you know what I think of it.

Well I am going to end it here. I hope I have kept your attention. Please continue to pray for me. I'm nervous about the "nodule" on my thyroid. I keep thinking positive and that it is going to be nothing but there is always that part of me that likes to freak out. Also prayers in regards to keeping me strong and away from carbs would be great. So far I have had followed my surgeons diet to the T and I would like to continue that.

Thank you all for your support!

A day of thoughts....

Wow....lt has been so long since I've been here! I just got overwhelmed with all the things I do. Email, youtube video, here and posting on another forum. Well I think I will come back to this. I can always copy and paste to other places if I feel it necessary. The forum is being revamped on Wednesday and I can link this blog to a blog on my forum so that works. I haven't done a video in forever but that is something else.

Well as a recap I lost 58 pounds on my own. I completed the Kaiser 24 week program, I passed the walking test, my labs are all within the normal range and I have an appointment with my bariatric surgeon on Wednesday.  Which leads me to my current feelings. I am scared. I am excited. I am anxious. I wish they would schedule the surgery quickly so that I didn't have time to have the roller coaster of emotions I am going through. I am trying to be calm but on the inside I am going nuts. I've been a bit depressed being that I know how far on the bad side I have come. Meaning I have hit rock bottom. I can barely walk which scares me to death. It is crazy how fast my knees have deteriorated. I mean I knew they would over time at my weight but it was much faster than I had expected. I am excited for my new life though. Excited to wake up and have a 2nd chance at life. I'm trying to think about all the positives but once in a while a negative thought will scream at me. Uggghhh... I hate that mind chatter. In any event I just wanted to let go of some sadness I am experiencing. Not sure what is making me sad. Maybe it is saying goodbye to the old me. I mean I do not like the old me but still is a sadness in it. I need to let go and think of all the wonderful things my life is going to bring because of the decision I have made for myself. Wow! So much to look forward to. I can't wait to be "healthy" and to be a "normal" weight.
See you on the losers bench!