Lots lost but much more gained!

I'm back.... yes, I don't blog quite as often as I would truly like. Life gets in the way. To be honest though it is much better than being pretty much bedridden. I remember those days well because they weren't that long ago. Yes, I was able to move but it just hurt too much to move. So most weekends and nights were spent at home in bed or on the couch. Now I am hardly ever home just sitting around. I'm much more active because I can walk and I can move. I can do so much more and life feels so much more worth living for. I didn't realize how depressed I was. Sometimes it takes change to make you realize just exactly how bad things were. I've enjoyed the changes that have happened. My husband and I go grocery shopping together and I can actually do it. I have to admit towards the end my knee(s) are aching but at least I'm able to walk around and do it! We have been camping a lot because I can! Although, we haven't gone much this month. There is a lot of other things going on. The biggest thing is that I'm not afraid to get out of the house. I now realize I had a fear of leaving the house. Not necessarily to go to work but to go anywhere else. I just got stressed thinking about "what if" scenarios. I couldn't walk far so I had to be sure to park close and then walking around would only be a few minutes before I was in so much pain I had to sit down. The other stressful scenario was if there would be chairs I could fit into and most of the time there wasn't. I just recently learned that my husband was also burdened thinking about those types of things for me. We would go to a restaurant (or somewhere that we had to sit down) and he would scan the restaurant for a chair that I would fit into and a chair that was sturdy. His biggest fear was that I would break a chair and I would be so embarrassed. So my weight really impacted him which I feel badly about. It is one thing to burden myself but quite another to burden the ones I love.


So with that said I've accomplished some non-scale victories. The biggest one for me was being able to get down on the ground and get up without hurting myself. In fact I was even able to get up without even struggling much to get up. I was also able to get on my knees. It hurt a little bit but I was able to do it. I was super scared though because I imagined my 579 pound body getting down on my knees rather than my new 310 pound body. Yes, it is still a lot of weight but it is definitely significantly less. My brain still hasn't really embraced that yet. I think it has been such a short amount of time that I have lost so much weight and my brain only can process that sort of change slowly. So my other non-scale victory was to put on a dress and skirt without feeling "fat". I actually felt "girlie" which is a first in a very long time. The only time my husband has seen me in a dress was on our wedding night so as you can tell it has been a very long time since I've even put on a dress. 


So going back to the part that my brain hasn't caught up. I find myself looking at a picture of me thinking "gosh she looks good" and then I catch myself and realize I thought "she" instead of "I". I do that quite often and it is a bit odd to me. Or I will be told that I'm an inspiration and then I want to say "who me????". I think I am too humble to take credit for it all. Or maybe it has to do with my self-esteem. In any event it is something I know I need to work with my therapist on.


I still am amazed about how much extra weight really can alter your life. Even 50 pounds ago I wasn't able to do what I am now and I am sure 50 pounds from now I will be saying the same thing.


So I wanted to share a few quick facts about my journey of health.
Total pounds lost: 269
Starting BMI: 76.4
Current BMI: 40.9
Starting Weight: 579 pounds
Current Weight: 310 pounds
Goal Weight: 200 pounds
So much lost but much more gained including my health and my life!

Update and more surgery....

Total Weight Loss: 219 pounds

Post-op Weight Loss: 142 pounds

Total to goal: 160 pounds
YTD Weightloss: 21 pounds

Well I am happy to report that I am continuing to lose weight (although I've been stalled for a week) That is always a plus! I want to take a moment to congratulate my Mom who has lost 34.8 pounds doing Weight Watchers. I am so proud of her. She has struggled with her weight most of her life as well so we understand each other's journey. But I am so proud she's doing so well! Our family is getting healthy which I am happy about.

I am learning so much about myself. Not only on the inside but on the outside. You mean I have a chin? Cheek bones? Ribs? Yes I can feel or see them all. I really must say that my upper body has really gotten small. I look at my wrists and barely recognize my hands and arms. I can actually see the tendons and veins in my hands. I haven't seen them in at least 12 years. I went to have blood drawn and was told I have good veins. I don't know if that was the guy hitting on me or complimenting me. :-)


But with all the good stuff comes all the stuff I have to deal with now. I went to the doctor to address a bunch of issues. I must say my doctor is so good at explaining things and taking all the time I need with him. In any event the main issue I went for was my knee. I told him (and showed him) that my left knee will not go straight. If I try to make it go straight it just hurts (intolerable pain). So he said he doesn't feel it is something that physical therapy would be able to fix at this point. So he referred me to a Orthopedic surgeon. Oh goody! Can I tell you the knee issues in the family...especially as of lately. My Dad has had multiple surgeries on both knees and about 2 years ago (maybe it was 3 years ago) had knee replacement on his left knee. My mother-in-law had knee replacement on her left knee in December. My husband just found out this last week he has to have orthoscopic surgery on his left knee and the appointment has been scheduled for March. My Mom is having knee replacement on her right knee in April. So as a joke I said maybe I will be having surgery in May. Uggghhh! But I am just trying to accept it as it is and move on. Then I also am having problems hearing. That has been going on for about a year now. Part of it is caused by rapid weight loss (who would have known) but I have had fluid behind my ear drum for over a year now and medication hasn't helped. I have fluid behind both ears but the right ear is much worse. So I am being referred to a specialist/surgeon to take care of that.  In April/May I have to get my thyroid nodule checked and measured and find out if it needs to be removed this year or if I can wait. I really wish I could have all the surgeries I need to have all done at once but I don't think my body would like that. 


But I have to remember I'm not a kid any more and things happen and your body breaks down. I know the weight really affected my knees and probably caused even more damage to them. My weight still isn't great so I know there is still lots of pressure on them. I am very grateful though for those days where my knees don't hurt. I remember not too long ago I only prayed for those days and they never game. I was in excruciating pain 24 hours a day. Now I get some relief in between which I am so grateful for. Then there are times where my knees hurt really bad and it just reminds me to be even more grateful for the times when my knees don't hurt.


I want to be a resource for YOU so please tell me if there are things you'd like to me talk about in my journey. Sometimes I find it easy to talk about my journey and other times I find it hard because I don't want to bore people. But obviously there could be things that I think would bore other people that just aren't boring to others. All feedback is appreciated.

Thyroid update....life...

So today was the appointment with the endocrinologist. I was originally told it was just a consultation appointment. Well it ended up being the biopsy appointment. I am so grateful my husband went with me. I was not nervous at first. I got nervous when I looked at the tray that was sitting next to me and it had a bunch of needles. I literally flipped out. I got so scared and I was crying. River hugged me for a brief moment which helped. He was trying to get my mind off of it by talking about random things (which is something he does well) which I definitely think is cute. I finally composed myself and the nurse walked in. She took my blood pressure and it was very high and she said she would take it again after the appointment because she could tell I was nervous. The first doctor came in and just asked questions, gave some history of a thyroid nodule, felt the nodule and answered any questions. He came back with another doctor ("the doctor") who said they would like to biopsy it now. They had me go to another room (so it wasn't even the needles I freaked out about) and they had me sit in the chair which eventually laid down. They put some iodine on the area and then they gave me a shot to numb the area (that hurt). After a few minutes they biopsied the area. They told me not to move or swallow. They pricked it 3 times (3 different needles) for 3 different biopsies. The last one he warned me they were going to go deeper. They hurt and mostly it was just very disconcerting to have something (a needle) inside of your throat. They were very professional and did a very good job of making me feel comfortable. My husband watched the whole thing on the screen as they used an ultra sound to locate the needle to make sure they were taking tissue from the correct place. After they cleaned the iodine up they gave me instructions to rest and keep it iced. They also instructed me not to go to work (which I had originally planned on going to work). So I came home checked my work emails and then put ice on my neck and took a nap. Right now it is very sore and just feels weird. I'm told I may get a bruise that may look like a hickey. So those of you that see me on a daily basis will know it isn't what you think and I am not white trash. LOL.

Overall the process was much easier than I had made it out to be in my head. I think we all do that though. We make it out to be so horrible in our heads and we go and it is no big deal. Well I wouldn't say it was no big deal but definitely easier than I had expected. They will have the results in 7 days. The other thing I was told was that because it is so large (now I can really tell and it is very big) that they recommend having it removed soon. They said as long as it isn't cancer that I could have my gastric bypass surgery and then when I get to a healthy weight that I should have this removed. They said it is always safer to do a surgery at a healthy weight that is why they recommend that. Also when they started putting the ultrasound on it the doctor said that it is pushing up against my trachea and eventually will definitely cause issues with my breathing. In fact right now it is having a impact and is pushing it to the side but eventually it will be a bad scenario that is why it does need to be removed. I asked about the pills and they said they don't do it because it causes osteoporosis and issues with the heart and kidneys and they believe it isn't worth it to put 2 organs at risk to shrink something that may or may not work. Radiation wouldn't work either but I wouldn't choose that as an option anyways. I have to go back in a year so they can measure it and see how much it has grown in a year. At that time (depending on how I am doing with my weight) they may schedule to have it removed. It would also depend on how big it has grown as well. Some different factors are involved. The important thing was they said I was ok to have the gastric bypass surgery as long as it isn't cancerous. They did say there is a low risk for cancer but it can happen. So I am keeping myself and my thyroid in my prayers and if you are spiritual/religious if you could do the same it would be great. I am thinking positive and everything is going to be fine!!!

I am having a hard time with the no bad carbs thing this week. I have been craving cereal of all things. I mean I want cereal for dinner. Honey bunches of Oats to be more specific. I want cereal for a snack. I have never been a big cereal eater ever. I mean I would eat it occasionally but I/River never really bought cereal often. So it is very odd. So I have given in and bought a box. Because I have been craving it for so long. I have learned about cravings. Most cravings are only cravings for a few seconds or maybe a few minutes. But cravings that go on for days are something you need to have and move on. You have to do it in the right proportion, of course. I think I miss the crunchy stuff. I don't eat anything crunchy really. I don't even usually care for crunchy as I usually like soft and mushy but I dunno. I am still doing protein shakes for breakfast. River and I have gotten pretty creative and have created all different types of delicious concoctions. So it is has been fun as well.

Thank you all for your support it means so much to me!

Updates and moving forward

I do have a few updates to share. The first one is in regards to my thyroid. I have been so upset that my appointment isn't until June. I feel like I keep hitting these road blocks and I'm so ready to have the surgery TODAY. I know timing is everything so I am trying to be as patient as possible. But JUNE??? So I called the appointment center and ask if there is a cancellations. The person on the other end of the phone says "Oh San Marcos, they are always booked. Are you willing to go to another location?" I told her of course! So she looked and at another location (which is actually closer to me) there was an available appointment this Friday. I mean why didn't the lady tell me "The other locations there may be sooner availability". So now I know to just so I don't care where just get me a appointment within a reasonable amount of time. So Friday morning I have a consultation. I'm nervous and my awesome husband is going with me mainly for support.

The other update is in regards to the gastric bypass surgery. As you all know the internist put me on hold until I could exercise. I sent that in 2 (almost 3) weeks ago. I even received a call almost 2 weeks ago confirming that they were sending the release over to the surgeon's office. So I call the surgeon the other day to get an update. I wasn't sure if it was pending my thyroid issue or not. I found out they never received the release from the internist. OMG! I was so upset! They said they will get the release and put the file in for final review. I asked if that was the only outstanding item and they confirmed that was it. So I am hoping for a call next week with my surgery date. I am sure I will have the thyroid thing all taken care of before I even have my surgery. I'm guessing my surgery date will me in August or September. We will see.

As for me I am doing ok. I am not getting good sleep. I guess I should wear my cpap mask but I always end up throwing it off in the middle of the night. I have a feeling maybe the nodule in my thyroid is blocking air during the night (being it is so close to my wind pipe). I don't know. I really thought this machine was the answer and I have had no luck (except the one night) with feeling rested. I'm still groggy every morning and don't feel rested no matter how much sleep I get (or don't get). There is no happy medium. Last week I was so exhausted that I did get one good night of deep sleep. I believe that is what I am lacking. That deep sleep.

I'm not complaining though. I do have so many things to be grateful. Over all my health is good considering what I weight at the moment. I'm sort of stuck on the scale though. My weight keeps fluctuating within a pound and I can't seem to continue to lose. I guess it may time to change things up. My body is doing weird things this week too so maybe it is all part of that. Mother Nature has a way of stirring things up. At least I'm not gaining and am still a total of 63 pounds down from where I started. I still would love to be able to have 100 pounds gone by the surgery date. We shall see what happens.

Thank you all again for your support. I really appreciate all the emails and comments!

Update on my thyroid nodule, breakfast = epic fail

I got an email from my doctor and he wants me to have a biopsy on my thyroid nodule. The nodule measures 5.8 x 4.6 x 3.7 cm. Definitely not something I am excited about but I do know that it is something I need to do. Hubby offered to go with me which makes me feel better. I am such a baby when it comes to these sorts of things. I really don't know how I came to agree to have gastric bypass surgery but I have. Anyhow the soonest appointment isn't until June which is a disappointment. It is a consultation appointment. I am hoping to call every week in hopes there is a cancellation that I can get in sooner. I just want to get this done and over with. The part of the email my doctor sent that gave me hope that it isn't anything serious is when he put "so far the nodule does not have any suspicious features of concern, but it is a good idea to have this evaluated and checked to make sure it is benign." If interested in reading about at thyroid nodule click here to read about it.

Otherwise I have been doing pretty good. Some days are better than others but that is life. This last week was a high stress week with lots of "drama" happening at work. I noticed I was very tired this week. It may have something to do with the stress. But I was in bed early almost every night (with the exception of the night I couldn't sleep) and then woke up when my alarm went off every morning. So I got a good 8-10 hours of sleep which is what I personally need. I envy those people that only need 5-6 hours of sleep and be fine (my husband being one of them).  Maybe when I lose weight things will change but maybe not. Only time will tell.

I tried making breakfast this morning and it was an epic fail. I was so disappointed. I was looking forward to having healthy pancakes but it just did not work out. I think it was how I mixed the ingredients. Oh well I will try something different next time. Once I get the hang of it I will tell you how it tastes and share the recipe.

Alright I think that is it for now.