Commitment To My Health

Yes, I'm still alive and well. I sorta of went into hiding which is something I know from past history that is not a good thing to do. This last year I struggled in regards to my health. I just got so frustrated with the breakdown of my body despite losing a tremendous amount of weight. I've since realized that is the exact mindset that got me to my 550+ pounds and I cannot allow myself to go there again.

The surgery was successful; however, my mind has not been. People don't realize that having the surgery isn't like taking a magic potion and you are thin forever. It is a lot of hard work and dedication and, as I've always said, all about mindset. I've not regained all of my weight and not even 1/2 of what I've lost which is the good news. The bad news is I've regained approximately 75 pounds. I still have lost over 200 pounds which I still feel is victorious. I'm going to be realistic and say that my goal is to loose about another 130ish pounds to be at a goal that is good for me. It isn't a goal that was approved by my doctor but a goal that I feel will be good for me considering the skin I still have to deal with (and it does weigh something). Of course, when I get to that goal I can always change my mind if I feel like I can and should lose more weight but I feel like it is more realistic for me. I've come to realize I will probably not be one of those people who lose weight and become thin forever. I don't think I'll ever be "thin" but the key to me is healthy and feeling good. I've noticed in gaining some weight my knees are really screaming at me. They definitely hurt more than they did 75 pounds ago. So it is yet another reason to get rid of the excess weight. 

I'm going to be doing a cleanse starting next week for 10 days and then for additional 14 days a strict diet. It isn't so much about the cleanse or diet as it is about the restrictions and discipline I need at the moment. I know it will make me feel good about myself to be able to do this and as a benefit I'm sure I will lose some weight which will help me kick off my health stewardship, once again. I will be cutting sugar out of my diet completely. I've done it once and I know I can do it again. I also know it is very hard for me since I am addicted to sugar and love all things (ok, most thing) sweet. The other thing that will be hard for me is coffee. I'm not going to have any coffee which is hard in that it is my comfort. Especially during the work week, I love my hot coffee. I love the taste and the comfort it brings me in the mornings as I don't do mornings well. It really isn't about the caffeine for me but truly just the habit and comfort. So I'm forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone which is always a good idea although something I rarely enjoy. I do have a back-up plan which is my herbal peppermint tea which I do enjoy tremendously. I'll also have to experiment with other herbal tea flavors (please respond below with any suggestions). 

Last year I also started my own business which was very stressful but a good decision. I have no regrets but getting into the swing of things and making my own business decisions was something I didn't consider. I have a OCD type personality when it comes to my work and I am really prideful as well which acts as a double whammy. This last year, I overworked myself and made no time for me, hubby or fun. So I need to learn to take care of me and balance it all. I need to remember that most things others won't know I didn't complete. I have always liked to stay somewhat near on track for my own peace of mind and have to learn to let things go if I'm not exactly near or on course as to where I'd like to be for work. I'm a super hard worker but I need to realize I need to make time for working out, eating healthy, family, friends and fun. I sort of lost all of that in my work. 

So I am going to try to get back on this blog to recommit myself and keep myself accountable. Please feel free to email or post a message if you don't hear from me. All of you mean a lot to me in keeping accountable.

Good night and HAPPY 2015!

I've reached the 200's!

First of all, I want to apologize to those of you that follow my blog and don't follow me on Facebook. I don't post on my blog as often as I'd like due to time constraints but on Facebook I do post updates more often. So please add me as a friend on facebook.

Well the big update (for those that don't already know) is that I FINALLY have a 2 in my weight. That is right. the first number is a 2, meaning I am in the 200's! As of this morning I was 294 (total of 285 pounds lost)! I am so amazed that I am so close to my goal weight. I know 94 pounds doesn't seem so close but if you take into consideration that there is skin that needs to be removed (20-40 pounds worth) then I'm looking at closer to around 50-75 pounds until my goal weight. I reached the 200's on Tuesday, October 2nd. Definitely a date I will remember. I reached the 300's on November 17th so it took about 11 months for me to lose this last 100 pounds. I know my last 50-75 pounds are going to be even harder but I know I can do it.

I've come so far in such a short amount of time and I have a hard time recognizing myself. I know my brain needs to catch up to my physical appearance and I'm allowing time for that to happen. But it is not just the physical it is also things such as crossing my legs, fitting into chairs, walking for some distance and not being out of breath. I can do all of these things now. My knee does hold me back from being able to walk as long as I'd like or being able to stand for long periods of time but there is significant improvement that is for sure.

I know there are some people that think I will gain it back. But for the first time I know I won't gain it back. I finally have the lifestyle change that I needed. I know I never won't to go back to that scary dark place. My life now is much more full of fun and life. I am so active now so I don't get much time to write my blogs. But I consider this a blessing. My blogs are good and I love to share with you all but really living life is what I need to do and I need to catch up since I've missed out on so much it seems. 

So this post is short and sweet because I need to go to bed. I am treating myself tomorrow for reaching the 200's. I don't treat myself with food anymore. Instead it is massages and spa packages. I'm going to Glen Ivy tomorrow and I'm getting a 80 minute body wrap and massage along with a pedicure. I'm also going to be dipping in the mud baths and into some of the mineral water. It should be a fun day of pampering which I deserve!

Remember to be nice to yourself. Treat yourself how you would treat your best friend because you should be your own best friend!

A Reflection of My Progress So Far

So I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. I'm not sure if it is because my birthday is approaching or if it is random but it could be a little bit of both. So yesterday I was waiting for my breakfast burrito to be made (I usually eat yogurt but my yogurt was bad so our office has a cafe and I ordered the breakfast burrito and ate the inside with the egg, cheese and bacon and left the tortilla alone) and I saw a butterfly. It was so beautiful and I can't remember the last time I had seen a butterfly. I then began some deep thinking and came to the conclusion that my life mimics that of a butterfly as well. I started as a caterpillar when I was born and then as I got older I spun my cocoon (which to me was the fat that I felt protected me just like a cocoon protects the caterpillar). Then the caterpillar turns into a beautiful butterfly which is me shedding my weight turning into a butterfly. It made total sense to me at least.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I remember one year ago getting that call with my surgery date. I remember that being the best birthday gift ever. But honestly, having the surgery was the best gift I've ever given to myself. I really wish I would have done the surgery sooner in life but they say timing is everything. Maybe I would have had the surgery but maybe I wouldn't have been as successful due to where I've been. I came from rock bottom and thus maybe I learn more and don't take things for granted. So I try not to reflect on those sort of things.

My trainer reminded me today how far I have come. She asked me what it felt like at my heaviest. I couldn't even describe it. I couldn't even fathom just how I was able to walk around with so much extra weight on my joints and having to move that weight around. My Grandpa told me a few weeks ago that I was carrying him on my shoulders (he apparently weighs near what I've lost). That really put it into perspective because I've always seen my Grandpa as a big guy. Not fat but just a big guy (he's quite tall) and well he's German.... he's a big guy. It makes me realize just how strong I was physically. Of course my upper body was really strong because I definitely used my upper body a lot to get me up but my legs had to move the weight around. Now I understand why my knees hurt so badly. It is amazing to me how things are so different when you are at a different spot in life. In the moment things don't make sense or they aren't clear. Once things are in the past and you have a different perspective things begin to become much clearer. It is like I had smudgy glasses on and now I have brand new smudge proof glasses, much better!

Another thing I was really thinking about is how close I am getting to being in the 200's again. I can't remember the last time I was in the 200's. I think the last time was possibly in high school. It has me giddy thinking about when the scale says 299! I'm only about 38 pounds away. I should be seeing the 200's this year! WOW! To think I started in the 500's last year!

I am beginning to see changes in my body both the good and the ugly. The ugly, of course, is all of the excess skin and it just isn't in my stomach. It is in my arms and my thighs and possibly my backside too but I don't see that. I probably would be at least 1 pant size smaller than I am now, if not more, if I didn't have all of the extra skin. Extra skin is not pretty...saggy, wrinkly and just plain ol' yucky. Definitely doesn't make me feel good about myself. But I look at it for now and try to think of it as battle wounds. It is the scars from what I've been through so to speak. But then there is the good which is many things. I actually have a shape now which is a pear shape versus being a round blob. My wrists and arms have really thinned out too. My trainer pointed out the shape of my upper arms. Yes, my upper arms (top part) are toned and have sexy curves. It is the stuff that hangs below that isn't so attractive but again the top part is looking good. The muscle, yes that is right I do have muscle, is starting to become more pronounced. My legs and and my core are also getting stronger but it is harder to see the results behind the loose skin.

My 35 year old body has been through some things that most people won't go through in a lifetime. I've really beaten it up. I'm learning to love my body. One of the things I treat my body to is massages. I LOVE massages and for my birthday I am buying myself a 90 minute massage because I deserve it! I'm not concerned about going out to dinner or eating. For me it is more about doing what makes me feel good and food does not make me feel good any longer. I will eat dinner, of course, but I will make it a healthy meal and take it to the beach and sit in the car and eat. To me that is the best birthday ever. Maybe I am becoming simple at my old age (hahaha). Maybe I have finally realized that there is more to life than food. Or maybe I am really tuning into to my body to figure out what my body likes since I've abused and neglected it for so long.

So as I sign off I want to remind you all what a positive influence you have all been in my life. Whether you've been in my life for a lifetime or only for a brief moment all of your support collectively has led me to where I am today. For that I am grateful! Thank you!

Good night.

Update and more surgery....

Total Weight Loss: 219 pounds

Post-op Weight Loss: 142 pounds

Total to goal: 160 pounds
YTD Weightloss: 21 pounds

Well I am happy to report that I am continuing to lose weight (although I've been stalled for a week) That is always a plus! I want to take a moment to congratulate my Mom who has lost 34.8 pounds doing Weight Watchers. I am so proud of her. She has struggled with her weight most of her life as well so we understand each other's journey. But I am so proud she's doing so well! Our family is getting healthy which I am happy about.

I am learning so much about myself. Not only on the inside but on the outside. You mean I have a chin? Cheek bones? Ribs? Yes I can feel or see them all. I really must say that my upper body has really gotten small. I look at my wrists and barely recognize my hands and arms. I can actually see the tendons and veins in my hands. I haven't seen them in at least 12 years. I went to have blood drawn and was told I have good veins. I don't know if that was the guy hitting on me or complimenting me. :-)


But with all the good stuff comes all the stuff I have to deal with now. I went to the doctor to address a bunch of issues. I must say my doctor is so good at explaining things and taking all the time I need with him. In any event the main issue I went for was my knee. I told him (and showed him) that my left knee will not go straight. If I try to make it go straight it just hurts (intolerable pain). So he said he doesn't feel it is something that physical therapy would be able to fix at this point. So he referred me to a Orthopedic surgeon. Oh goody! Can I tell you the knee issues in the family...especially as of lately. My Dad has had multiple surgeries on both knees and about 2 years ago (maybe it was 3 years ago) had knee replacement on his left knee. My mother-in-law had knee replacement on her left knee in December. My husband just found out this last week he has to have orthoscopic surgery on his left knee and the appointment has been scheduled for March. My Mom is having knee replacement on her right knee in April. So as a joke I said maybe I will be having surgery in May. Uggghhh! But I am just trying to accept it as it is and move on. Then I also am having problems hearing. That has been going on for about a year now. Part of it is caused by rapid weight loss (who would have known) but I have had fluid behind my ear drum for over a year now and medication hasn't helped. I have fluid behind both ears but the right ear is much worse. So I am being referred to a specialist/surgeon to take care of that.  In April/May I have to get my thyroid nodule checked and measured and find out if it needs to be removed this year or if I can wait. I really wish I could have all the surgeries I need to have all done at once but I don't think my body would like that. 


But I have to remember I'm not a kid any more and things happen and your body breaks down. I know the weight really affected my knees and probably caused even more damage to them. My weight still isn't great so I know there is still lots of pressure on them. I am very grateful though for those days where my knees don't hurt. I remember not too long ago I only prayed for those days and they never game. I was in excruciating pain 24 hours a day. Now I get some relief in between which I am so grateful for. Then there are times where my knees hurt really bad and it just reminds me to be even more grateful for the times when my knees don't hurt.


I want to be a resource for YOU so please tell me if there are things you'd like to me talk about in my journey. Sometimes I find it easy to talk about my journey and other times I find it hard because I don't want to bore people. But obviously there could be things that I think would bore other people that just aren't boring to others. All feedback is appreciated.

Struggles Won't Hold Me Back

Total Weight Loss: 212 pounds
Post-op Weight Loss: 135 pounds
Pounds left until I reach MY personal goal: 167


Not much to report. My weight loss is coming off. I am exercising. I am being a good girl or at least trying. I am in the process of experimenting with new recipes. I'm bored with the same ol' thing and there are so many things I can eat so it is time for some variety. 


I'm still working up the courage for a personal trainer. Not sure why I am so scared. I am trying to reach down inside of me to see what the real blockage is but I can't find any answers. I think I do really baby my knee and have a fear of having someone damage it more. But I am going to start with going to the doctor and see if physical therapy is the answer or if it is beyond physical therapy. There are lots of knee issues going around my family right now. Mother-in-law had knee replacement in December, my Mom is having knee replacement in April (waiting for insurance approval) and my husband is more than likely going to have to have orthoscopic surgery on his knee. It isn't fun! But alas it is what it is and I will deal with it as it comes.


I do know that a personal trainer will get me more aligned with where I need to be. So my goal is to schedule appointments with a few personal trainers to meet with them by the next time I write my next blog. I think my legs are really lacking in so many ways. I absolutely hate the way they look and I feel like they aren't quite as strong as they should be. I also think my core is a bit weak as well. So I know a trainer will get me on the right path. As Nike says I just need to "Just do it". 


I feel like my health is really strong though. No major incidents of getting sick (knocking on a big block of wood). Prior to surgery I would catch things fairly easy but as of now all things have been avoided. My husband has been sick twice since my surgery and I haven't caught either of them. I am so very grateful for my health in that way. 


I am having a hard time taking my vitamins which I feared prior to my surgery. They do have a vitamin that is powder that I put in my water and drink it like it is crystal light so that has been very helpful but I don't always remember about that. My multi-vitamin and calcium are chewables because I don't swallow pills well. Plus it gives it a bit of flavor and some change. There are other vitamins I do have to swallow and I dread it. I find I do better during the weekend but the weekends really throw me off. As usual... the weekends throw me off in a lot of different areas. But I am definitely working on it.


If anyone ever says weight loss surgery is "easy" they obviously haven't ever experienced it. I hear people say it all the time and it really upsets me. I guess it is hypocritical because I used to think it was the "easy way out" myself. But in no way is it easy. It is a lot of hard work and dedication. You have to mindfully plan ahead to make sure you are getting the proper nutrition (vitamins and protein specifically). I've also heard people say that weight loss surgery is for "lazy" people. That really gets my blood boiling. I literally work my ass off with my workouts and in no way am I lazy. Not just the workouts but all of the planning as I mentioned above. I'd say weight loss surgery is harder than any "diet" I've been on. But I also know it is because this is a lifestyle change and lifestyle changes are very hard because you have to break those old habits. But I do understand it is easy to judge without having gone through the process or even done research on the process. Most people are ignorant when it comes to weight loss surgery and don't know everything that is involved. So I like to give people the real truth and educate them. Maybe I can change someone's mind. Not to have surgery but to admit that it isn't the easy way out and that weight loss surgery patients are not lazy.


To wrap this up life is good. I have some struggles that I'm working on but nothing in life is easy. I will get through it one way or another. I appreciate the support all of you give me, it definitely helps me to get through some of the harder times.

Progress Is Where the Heart Is

Current update

Starting (highest) weight: 579

Day of Surgery weight: 502

Current weight: 370

Total weight loss: 209

Post-op weight loss: 132

Yes, I am finally posting the true and said numbers. You know why? Because the numbers are not who I am but the numbers are a reflection of where I was an where I am now. So many factors are involved in the numbers though. Such as muscle mass will make the numbers higher, for a female during that time of the month numbers change and many other factors. But with that said I can say that I’ve had some progress.

My husband and I in Las Vegas, 2012

So my lifestyle change can be hard when travelling. I had to make choices eating out while in Vegas. I made decent choices I must say. Chose to eat meatballs only at an Italian Restaurant (ate 1/3 of the very large meatball). I had chicken fajitas minus the tortillas and rice (so just basically chicken and some beans with some guacamole & sour cream). I ate a hamburger with no bread (ate about 1/3 of the burger). After eating the burger though I realized I ate way too much beef for me. I eat beef maybe once every few weeks but while I was in Vegas I ate it two days in a row. My body definitely let me know that eating beef that often is not something it likes. It doesn’t mind the occasional but that was too much. I didn’t throw up (thank goodness) but I just felt “blah”. Yeah I know that really doesn’t describe it but it is the best I can do. Just an overall feeling of “yucky”. I know I must have regressed with my vocabulary coming from that of a 4 year old in me describing how I felt but I suppose that is the 4 year old in me that has been telling me for years how my food habits have been. They have definitely been “blah” and “yucky”.

I was thrilled I was able to get around much easier than 3 years ago when I was in Vegas. I remember 3 years ago all too well. Walking and having to sit down at one of the slot machines just so I could catch my breath every 20 feet or so. This time I was able to walk from one end of the casino to the other with no breathing issues. The only issues were my knees (the left one in particular) which gave me some pain and such but I did it. I can tell I’m in much better shape since I am not so out of breath. If my knees were better I would have walked around like it was nothing but my knees still hold me back considerably.

But honestly I think the progress is where the heart is. I think inside of me is where the progress has been not only the most gratifying but the most work has been done on the inside and in my heart. I really listen to my body, my mind and my heart and have really began to sync them together. I think God has really created this wonderful being (me). I’m learning so many wonderful things about myself and learning that when I say nice things about myself it doesn’t mean I have an ego. I used to think that saying nice things about myself meant I had a ego issue and that people would think of me as “bitchy”. Well now I don’t care what people think (as much) and secondly I am a good human being and it is ok for me to say that. I am finally learning about what some of my gifts are. I have the gift of writing. I have had so many people tell me that but never believed it. Now I do believe it and realize how much joy I receive from it as well.

As each day goes by I become more grateful and humble for my health and the gift I gave myself. It has truly transformed my life. I see pictures of myself and I still am in awe. I haven’t seen my face look as thin as it looks in a very long time. My body has really thinned out too and I am so proud of the healthy lifestyle I have chosen and I have dedicated myself too.

Something interesting that came to me the other day. I was reading the People issue about people that have lost ½ their body weight “with no surgery”. What makes me most upset about that is that it is as if they are alluding to the fact that surgery is some kind of magic and people don’t have to work just as hard. I mean I give people credit for losing weight now matter how they do it because no matter if you have surgery or “diet” it is all the same kind of hard work. I mean do people really think that because I have had surgery I’ve lost this weight by watching TV all day and eating bon-bons? I’ve had to watch what I eat and specifically even more so than someone who hasn’t had surgery. I’ve had to exercise and I do exercise my butt off.  I’ve completely changed my lifestyle and I have changed what is going on in my head… which is the same as someone who hasn’t had the surgery. I understand that surgery is a tool but isn’t Weight Watchers a tool to others, Jenny Craig to others, so on and so forth.? I think it sort of belittles those that decided to have weight loss surgery and have had amazing accomplishments. I still hear so many negative comments about having weight loss surgery which upsets me because no one should judge unless they’ve experienced it or dealt with obesity issues. But alas I know people won’t change and they will continue to judge. Yet something else I wish I could remove to make this world a better place.

But I continue to stay positive and live my life and not try to let others or the media belittle my progress. I’ve worked so very hard to lose 209 pounds and will continue to fight hard for the 170 more pounds I have to lose.

With that I say good night, God Bless, and may you all have good health!

I've lost over 200 pounds!

I did it!

So I can’t believe I haven’t shared the good news here on my blog. What am I waiting for? Well to be honest I have been a bit busy. I’ve increased my workouts so don’t have a lot of time during the week as it is work, workout, dinner, bed. But the good news is on New Year’s Day to start out my day my body decided to weigh me in at a lower weight. As of the 1^st I had officially lost 202 pounds. Yes I even got an extra two pounds in that. That was definitely a rough plateau in which I was up and down 2 pounds for two weeks. I also counted how much weight I lost during the holidays. Only because that is when most people gain. I was surprisingly shocked (so shocked I calculated twice) that I lost 19 pounds from Thanksgiving Day to January 1^st . That is a lot of weight and to have 2 weeks of it with no change means basically I lost 19 pounds in 3 weeks. I am shocked that it is so much not shocked I lost weight. I didn’t eat bad at all and felt no guilt this holiday season. I kept my workout routine and pretty much kept everything the same.

So as of this morning (1/5/12) I’ve lost a total of 205 pounds (128 since surgery). I have created a piece of paper that has 18 stars on it. Each star represents 10 pounds. So I only need to lose 1 star 18 times for a total of 180 pounds. I’m 4 pounds away from coloring my first one in which is exciting.

So I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I’ve already lost more weight than what I want to weigh as my goal weight. I have lost more than the “average” adult weighs. I’ve never ever lost close to this much. The closest was when I lost about 115 pounds about 6 years ago. I am so humble about this change though. I know it doesn’t make me any more special than the next guy or gal struggling with weight. The only difference is it has clicked in my mind and I am taking action to make it happen. I know at any point I could gain the weight back which is my biggest fear which is what I am really trying not to do. But I like to focus on what to do and NOT what I shouldn’t do.  Because I’ve learned if you focus on what not to do well you spend so much energy on it; it happens anyways. Instead energy focused on what you should/want/need to do is much more beneficial.

Anyhow, I thank you all for your support and words of encouragement. It is all greatly appreciated!