Commitment To My Health

Yes, I'm still alive and well. I sorta of went into hiding which is something I know from past history that is not a good thing to do. This last year I struggled in regards to my health. I just got so frustrated with the breakdown of my body despite losing a tremendous amount of weight. I've since realized that is the exact mindset that got me to my 550+ pounds and I cannot allow myself to go there again.

The surgery was successful; however, my mind has not been. People don't realize that having the surgery isn't like taking a magic potion and you are thin forever. It is a lot of hard work and dedication and, as I've always said, all about mindset. I've not regained all of my weight and not even 1/2 of what I've lost which is the good news. The bad news is I've regained approximately 75 pounds. I still have lost over 200 pounds which I still feel is victorious. I'm going to be realistic and say that my goal is to loose about another 130ish pounds to be at a goal that is good for me. It isn't a goal that was approved by my doctor but a goal that I feel will be good for me considering the skin I still have to deal with (and it does weigh something). Of course, when I get to that goal I can always change my mind if I feel like I can and should lose more weight but I feel like it is more realistic for me. I've come to realize I will probably not be one of those people who lose weight and become thin forever. I don't think I'll ever be "thin" but the key to me is healthy and feeling good. I've noticed in gaining some weight my knees are really screaming at me. They definitely hurt more than they did 75 pounds ago. So it is yet another reason to get rid of the excess weight. 

I'm going to be doing a cleanse starting next week for 10 days and then for additional 14 days a strict diet. It isn't so much about the cleanse or diet as it is about the restrictions and discipline I need at the moment. I know it will make me feel good about myself to be able to do this and as a benefit I'm sure I will lose some weight which will help me kick off my health stewardship, once again. I will be cutting sugar out of my diet completely. I've done it once and I know I can do it again. I also know it is very hard for me since I am addicted to sugar and love all things (ok, most thing) sweet. The other thing that will be hard for me is coffee. I'm not going to have any coffee which is hard in that it is my comfort. Especially during the work week, I love my hot coffee. I love the taste and the comfort it brings me in the mornings as I don't do mornings well. It really isn't about the caffeine for me but truly just the habit and comfort. So I'm forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone which is always a good idea although something I rarely enjoy. I do have a back-up plan which is my herbal peppermint tea which I do enjoy tremendously. I'll also have to experiment with other herbal tea flavors (please respond below with any suggestions). 

Last year I also started my own business which was very stressful but a good decision. I have no regrets but getting into the swing of things and making my own business decisions was something I didn't consider. I have a OCD type personality when it comes to my work and I am really prideful as well which acts as a double whammy. This last year, I overworked myself and made no time for me, hubby or fun. So I need to learn to take care of me and balance it all. I need to remember that most things others won't know I didn't complete. I have always liked to stay somewhat near on track for my own peace of mind and have to learn to let things go if I'm not exactly near or on course as to where I'd like to be for work. I'm a super hard worker but I need to realize I need to make time for working out, eating healthy, family, friends and fun. I sort of lost all of that in my work. 

So I am going to try to get back on this blog to recommit myself and keep myself accountable. Please feel free to email or post a message if you don't hear from me. All of you mean a lot to me in keeping accountable.

Good night and HAPPY 2015!

Reflecting on 2012; Looking forward to 2013

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

This time of year it is always good to reflect on the previous year. Both the good and the bad. What changes do I want to make? What do I want to be different? Customarily people do New Year's Resolutions but I feel like resolutions are quickly forgotten about 1/3 way through the year. I think goals are more realistic as it is something you can work toward through out the year. A resolution defined is a resolve or determination. Which is definitely needed. But a goal is the result or achievement in which effort (or resolve or determination) is directed. Very similar but still different.

December 2012 - approximately 290 pounds gone

In 2012 there were some things that I achieved and some others that I still have to work on this year. There are some things that are always a work in progress and sometimes a really hard work in progress. I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. I just want to be me but I want to be a healthy me. I also am hoping to inspire others so they don't get in the very depressed place that I was at my highest weight. I want them to know that there is hope if they are in that depressed place. It seems hard and sometimes it seems impossible but there is nothing you can't do as long as you put your mind to it along with some effort. 

Some things I achieved this last year (2012) are as follows (some may seem small to others but were big to me):

1. Loosing 292 pounds total and lost more than I weigh - That is something I didn't ever think I would achieve. I see others doing it and admired them so much. But now I am one of those people. I didn't have doubts in myself but that number is such a big number and can be quite frightening. This last year I've lost 90 pounds. My weight loss slowed down the last 6 months of the year but I also gained quite a bit of muscle (and muscle weighs more than fat) so I have to take that into consideration as well. I still can't believe I have lost more than I weigh. I am still not thin by any means and I still weigh quite a bit. But I've lost one of me. Even I am amazed at me but yet so proud of what I've been able to accomplish. 
2. Crossing my legs - I never ever thought that would be a big deal. It was on my goal list just to say I could do it but I haven't really done it most of my life so it wasn't really a big deal to me at that time. But now it is most comfortable and natural for me to cross my legs. I am shocked at how much of a big deal to me it has become and I feel so confident about it. So odd how things really affect us.
3. Getting to the 200's (pounds) - This was a big goal of mine since my goal weight is 200 pounds even. Getting into the 200's meant I had less than 100 pounds to lose. To some people that seems like a lot. But after loosing over 200 pounds it really seems much more doable to me. I do know that it will probably be much harder because the closer to your goal weight the harder it gets to lose the weight. But I am not going to quit fighting. This is a battle that I know I will be fighting my entire life. I know that when I get to my goal weight the war has not been won. It just mean the war has just begun. I am determined to win this war though and with determination I know a lot can be achieved.
4. Walking / exercising more - At my highest weight of 579 pounds walking was a chore and it was a big chore. Add to that the fact that I was bone on bone in my left knee (at the time I didn't know that). So walking was PAINFUL. I didn't want to get up ever because just getting up was painful. But now that I've lost some weight my knees are much happier. Now that isn't going to change the fact that I need a total knee replacement on my left knee. Also, I'm still in pain but the pain is much less with 1,172 pounds of pressure off of my knee (4 pounds per every pound of weight lost). I have good days and bad days which is much better than before when everyday was a bad knee day. This was the first time I've actually calculated the pressure off my knee and it is quite an astounding number. No wonder I'm able to walk better! But I can say my knee does hold me back from walking and exercising as much as I want to. I can't walk as far as I'd be able to without being in extreme pain. So I just stay grateful for what I can do and hopefully as I lose weight I can do a little bit more and when I get my knee replacement... WATCH OUT WORLD... I'm going to really WALK A LOT! I am still in my routine of doing water aerobics though. I do that about 3 times per week. We added two new members to our family this year (dogs) which really forces me to walk (we don't have a backyard so forced to constantly walk them). They have been a blessing in regards to exercise (and in many other ways which I will talk about later on). I started seeing a trainer in March of 2012 and she has really helped me build some muscle and gain some confidence in the way I move. Ann Rockeman at Integration Fitness in San Diego has really helped me to gain muscle so that I can burn that fat quicker. Not only that but has helped me to move in ways I didn't think were possible. I think everyone needs to hire a trainer when they are losing weight just to give them the confidence to do more and better. But not only that the muscle helps to burn fat which helps with the results we want. Plus muscle does look much sexier than fat or saggy skin. Saggy skin is still an issue for me but I know it would look much worse than it doesn't if it weren't for the building up of muscle. I sit here sore from my workout with my trainer yesterday but I am reminded I am alive. Although being sore isn't fun being sore helps me remember that I'm moving my muscles and body in ways I'm not used to. It also means creating of more muscle which means more fat burned and that I am grateful for. I jokingly complain about it but I truly am grateful for being sore. At my highest weight I didn't get sore much (other than my knee) because I couldn't move. Now I am so grateful to be moving!
5. Adding two new members to the family (dogs) - Yes, we weren't expecting to do this but it just sort of happened. We adopted two dogs in July from Rancho Coastal Humane Society. We adopted Scrappy who is a 7 year old male Corgi/Terrier/Lab mix. He is a really good dog and really loves to play ball and actually his life mostly revolves around the ball. He has recently become much more of a cuddler as well and I think it is just because he is finally adjusting to his new home. The second member to our family is Chloe who is a 7 year old female Lemon Beagle. They call it a Lemon due to her coloring (I never knew that or heard of it until we got her and they are the rarest type of Beagle). Although Chloe is a Beagle she is actually quite good compared to the stereotypes of that of a Beagle. She is a princess for sure. She LOVES nothing more than to cuddle up to me or my husband. She has anxiety issues when we leave that we are still working on. She loves to bark at other dogs when they are playing as if to say "Can't we all just get along". We really don't know why she barks but my husband and I joke about it. She is quite shy around other dogs but with Scrappy around she is starting to come around a little bit. Adopting older dogs makes it hard in that you don't know what their environment was previously and they take some time to adapt to their new environment. Took some time for us to adjust too because we have 2 cats who are so much easier to take care of than the dogs. But we are finally all synced together I think. They have brought so much joy to our lives already and we look forward to many more years with them. The cats have done much better with them around than I expected. They don't love the dogs but the cats aren't afraid to jump up in our lap with the dogs around which is great. We still love the cats as well and are so grateful that they are so easy to take care of.
6. Fitting in chairs - This is a biggie for me. My entire morbidly obese life I have stressed about social situations. I have to sit (I couldn't stand because the pain on my knees was too much) and finding chairs that were sturdy to hold my weight and big enough to fit in (arms of the chairs got in the way) was one of the top things I stressed about being morbidly obese. One shouldn't have to stress about something as simple as sitting down but I was. I learned this year that the stress was also passed on to my husband. He told me he was worried about me breaking the chair and hurting myself and/or being embarrassed  So he would scan where ever we went to look for the most solid chair that I would fit in. It really upset me when I found this out because my weight was really affecting others. It is one thing when it affects you but it started to cause undue stress on his life as well which was so selfish of me. I'm so grateful for #RiverMacomber and his support. Now I am happy that I don't even think about this. I fit in chairs. Some are tighter than others as I still have large hips and thighs but I fit. No more worries or stress about going out in public. 
7. Socializing & going out in public - I had another fear of socializing and going out in public due to my size. Most people judge on physical appearance and I was so self conscious about it that I tried to avoid most social situations. I'm trying to be more social and I have been but it is still a hard one for me. I know people still judge which doesn't help but I am also shy when meeting with people as well. I always have been and am just not that social person that I envy. I think a lot of people may also take me wrongly due to it. They could easily see me as "stuffy", "snobby" or for a lack of a better word a "bitch". People that really know me know that I am a nice person and very non-judgmental but I struggle with feeling comfortable around people. Again, I consider this an achievement because I'm not totally avoiding social situations but it is still a work in progress.

Goals for 2013

Here are some of my goals for 2013:

1. Reach my goal weight - Yes, this will be a biggie for me. I think I can do it although I know it will be a lot of work. I consider my goal weight (with my skin) to be about 250 pounds. With skin removed that will make me about 230-210 pounds which will make me ultimately 10-30 pounds from my goal weight. But I don't know how much skin there is to be removed and I want to get to 250 which is when my doctor will refer me to the plastic surgeon. I am hoping some form of miracle will happen in terms of being able to afford it. It can be very expensive and I can't financially afford it right now. I know there are payment plans available to those that qualify (I should be able to qualify) but then I worry about the payments. The payments will probably be that of a car payment (if not more). But I have faith that God will provide and make it all happen somehow. My angel will show up.
2. Reach out and inspire/talk to others - This is really big for me. I really want to help others. My heart is really set on that. I want to talk to people and coach them along the way. I want people to know they aren't alone. This goes for anything though not just weight loss. The principals apply for any kind of addiction whether it is alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, etc. I know some people say food isn't an addiction. I strongly disagree. I used food the way everyone else abuses drugs or alcohol etc. I know I've heard of many people inspired by me but I want to talk to these people. I want to make a difference. I want to help people walk through the entire experience. So please feel free to reach out to me by email or give others my blog that you think could benefit from my story. I think the best part of achieving something is being able to help others in the process.
3. Continue to push myself in regards to walking/exercise - I want to really push myself this year. I need to lose this weight and getting closer to my goal I know that exercise will be extremely helpful in achieving this goal. Walking even more is going to be my goal but I am not going to put myself in immense pain either (knee). If that doesn't work then I will definitely be going to water aerobic classes more often.
4. Continue socializing - I'm going to continue to push myself to socialize and meet new people. Also to find some new friends. I have several friends but a lot of them live in another state and the ones that live here are busy with their lives and different lifestyles. I really am best with having a small tight group of friends. I'm sure it will come as I know I'm not a horrible person but I need to open up more which is going to be a challenge for me but I know I can do it!
5. Be grateful - I am very grateful for everything but this year I am going to work on being even more grateful. I have so much to be grateful for and I am often taking advantage of it.  

Life has treated me very well lately. My life hasn't been all bad, I've just had some really dark parts of my life but I am now really seeing the light and understanding how life is meant to be lived. It is meant to be lived to the fullest and enjoying each and everyday as it comes. I am very grateful for what I've learned on this journey. I know that this journey isn't over though...it has barely just begun.

I am Shanda and this is my journey.

I've reached the 200's!

First of all, I want to apologize to those of you that follow my blog and don't follow me on Facebook. I don't post on my blog as often as I'd like due to time constraints but on Facebook I do post updates more often. So please add me as a friend on facebook.

Well the big update (for those that don't already know) is that I FINALLY have a 2 in my weight. That is right. the first number is a 2, meaning I am in the 200's! As of this morning I was 294 (total of 285 pounds lost)! I am so amazed that I am so close to my goal weight. I know 94 pounds doesn't seem so close but if you take into consideration that there is skin that needs to be removed (20-40 pounds worth) then I'm looking at closer to around 50-75 pounds until my goal weight. I reached the 200's on Tuesday, October 2nd. Definitely a date I will remember. I reached the 300's on November 17th so it took about 11 months for me to lose this last 100 pounds. I know my last 50-75 pounds are going to be even harder but I know I can do it.

I've come so far in such a short amount of time and I have a hard time recognizing myself. I know my brain needs to catch up to my physical appearance and I'm allowing time for that to happen. But it is not just the physical it is also things such as crossing my legs, fitting into chairs, walking for some distance and not being out of breath. I can do all of these things now. My knee does hold me back from being able to walk as long as I'd like or being able to stand for long periods of time but there is significant improvement that is for sure.

I know there are some people that think I will gain it back. But for the first time I know I won't gain it back. I finally have the lifestyle change that I needed. I know I never won't to go back to that scary dark place. My life now is much more full of fun and life. I am so active now so I don't get much time to write my blogs. But I consider this a blessing. My blogs are good and I love to share with you all but really living life is what I need to do and I need to catch up since I've missed out on so much it seems. 

So this post is short and sweet because I need to go to bed. I am treating myself tomorrow for reaching the 200's. I don't treat myself with food anymore. Instead it is massages and spa packages. I'm going to Glen Ivy tomorrow and I'm getting a 80 minute body wrap and massage along with a pedicure. I'm also going to be dipping in the mud baths and into some of the mineral water. It should be a fun day of pampering which I deserve!

Remember to be nice to yourself. Treat yourself how you would treat your best friend because you should be your own best friend!

Makeover and 250 Pounds Gone, Oh My!

So much has happened since I last blogged. I have to say I’ve been very busy. Not a bad thing at all necessarily but nonetheless it is what it is! J So I am hoping I can break everything in an organized manner as there is so much to talk about. Let’s start with what many people don’t know about or have asked me about.

“THE MAKEOVER”. Yes, that is right I got not one, but TWO makeovers for FREE. I always love the word FREE. So to start off with, some of you know that I was almost selected to be on the Biggest Loser Season 8. At the last minute they changed their mind. I was very upset at the time but looking back I think it was definitely the best thing to happen. So many people that go on the show come home and gain their weight back for many different reasons (which is my biggest fear) and I really think I needed something more drastic (my surgery). As they say, things happen for a reason. So the casting company has me in their database and has contacted me in the past with different shows which I have applied for but never got anywhere. I’m also friends with a few of those people on Twitter. So one of them contacted me for a makeover show. I responded that I was interested and then was asked to send a picture of myself and my phone number to a certain email address. I did and the same day I got a phone call. They told me that they wanted to do a interview with me via Skype that day. I was working so I told them I wasn’t available until after 6:00 that I would still need to go home and download Skype onto my computer. So the interview was set. So I had the interview and they asked me the same questions but in a different way. I was smart enough to realize that they were looking for a different answer so I said my answers to their questions in a different way. That lasted about 15-20 minutes. They told me they recorded the interview and it would be sent to the producers for a decision. They briefly told me they hadn’t exactly figured out what the show was going to be called but something about looking younger and that I would receive a makeover if I were picked. All of that took place in February. I was also told they would be emailing me an application and I needed to fill it out and get it over to them. So I did. Also, just as a FYI, I did focus on my weight loss progress so far as the reason for being deserving of this makeover. So I didn’t hear anything for a few months and just figured I didn’t get picked. Then in April I get a call stating that the producers were still deciding on the contestants but they wanted to have us fill out the paperwork now. So we had to fill out more paperwork (basically giving up our rights to the photos/video of us). Then a week later I got a call stating they were still deciding but were going to tape on Sunday, April 29^th and Monday April 30^th and asked me which day would be better. I told them Sunday would be best (since I have to work and this was only a little over a week away with no decision yet). This was on a Wednesday and I asked if I didn’t hear anything if I could call on Friday. She was very sweet and said I could call anytime. So I didn’t hear anything so I called on Friday. She stated, “Oh yes I just got an email with those that made it let me look if your name is on the list… Ummmm…ohhhh…nope… oh wait… yes… Shanda Macomber, you are on the list you made it.” I screamed for joy and probably caused her to lose her hearing for the day. My coworkers came into congratulate me (they knew I was waiting and urged me to make that phone call). She told me that I should be receiving a call from the producer with details. All she knew was that I was going to be getting TWO makeovers and the show is called “Make Me Younger”. I was also told it would be a YouTube show that they are doing a beauty channel on (and who knows it could go to TV). I didn’t care if it was on TV or not just getting a FREE makeover is something I am always up for. So I didn’t get the “Call Sheet” until the day before I got my makeover. It has the executive producers information, camera guys, stylist, contestants (me), etc.  It was so cool to see my name on that. I did some research the night before and realized the executive producers are the same executive producers as The Biggest Loser & The Amazing Race (among other shows). That made me very nervous and excited at the same time. So I had to drive to West Hollywood and I left early and got there a few hours early. So River and I went and got some coffee and took bathroom breaks. I was super nervous! I finally went in and people were greeting me and congratulating me. I wasn’t sure what they were congratulating me on until I asked and they said your weight loss of course. Everyone knew my story apparently and everyone was so inspired. I was so humbled. So I had to weight hour and a half before anything started happening. Then I did my before pictures and my plea as to why I deserved this in front of the cameras. They coached me somewhat and were so impressed that I had lost an additional 20 pounds from what they had on their sheet. So I really did a bad job at that because I was so nervous. Luckily they can edit and put together all the pieces which is what they are going to have to do. Then we took a break for lunch and they had food catered. I was so nervous there wasn’t going to be anything I could eat but they did have some chicken and veggies that I was able to eat. Then it was time to go back and I had my first makeover with Joey. He was the most awesome stylist. He asked me what my original hair color is (because I had some blonde and brown in my hair) and I told him I’m a natural red-head. He said he couldn’t imagine me as anything but a red-head but he wanted to die my hair a different shade of red and go with a Julianne Moore look. I told him I thought she was absolutely gorgeous and to go for it. Now let me intervene here for a second that there were no mirrors in this salon and if there were mirrors they were covered up with trash bags. They really did not want us to see ourselves ahead of time. So Joey dyed my hair, put me under the dryer, rinsed my hair and then blow dried me. People were walking by saying “Oh you look gorgeous” or “Wow, you look amazing”. All these comments was making me more anxious. I’m telling you EVERYONE was gawking over me (what a nice change). So then next was the make-up. The camera guys were on us pretty much the entire time. They would ask questions and we would respond. If there wasn’t a camera in front of us then there a camera on the wall that was recording us as well. We had microphones taped inside of our shirts so they could have better sound quality. So the last thing we had to do was go get changed. I told him I had a blue shirt or a purple shirt and asked which would look better. He said to go with the purple. So I went and changed. I came out of the dressing room and some staff was standing outside of the room and I walked out and all I heard was “Oh my god, wow, ohhhhhh!” and then the next thing I heard is “SHHHHHHHHHHHH QUIET ON THE SET!” They were recording someone’s reveal of their makeover and that is when we had to be quiet. I did feel pretty fantastic though even though I did not know what I looked like. So the reveal went like this. Everyone had to be quiet and they did one at a time (so 3 of the contestants/stylists had to basically just wait). So they did the reveal with the stylist and the contestant. Then when that was done they did an interview with just the contestant. Then after that they would do an interview with just the stylist.  This was a long process multiply that by 4 contestants/stylists per session. Anyhow when they finally revealed me I cried. I finally saw the beauty in myself but not only the beauty for the first time in the mirror I saw the weight loss and it baffled me. I can’t really see the weight loss unless I am looking at pictures but I saw it in the mirror so it was quite overwhelming for me. So then when that was over they gave me makeup remover clothes and told me to change back into my “before” clothes and wipe off the make-up for the next makeover. Joey saw me wiping off the make-up and said “I see how you are” I told him I felt bad because he did such a great job and I really wanted to show the world the way I looked at that moment. So I got my 2^nd makeover by Norma. I think she was really perplexed since he did such a great job. She left my hair color alone and decided to focus on my eyes and make them look more dramatic. I think she did a great job but the look was not as drastic as the first makeover. As a side note I had one of the other stylist come up to me wanting to make me over. He was very nice and I really did feel like the star there that day. The other makeovers turned out great but really I don’t think anyone’s was as dramatic as mine was that day. I left feeling like a super star which is exactly what I needed to boost my confidence to help me push forward to the last 136 pounds (as of that point) I have to lose. I’ve included pictures of the two different makeovers below (the first one is makeover one and the second one is makeover two). I don’t have any information as to when the video will be up but once I do I will be sure to let everyone know. I must say the most touching part of the whole day was when one of the contestants came up to me and said “I know why I was here today”. I said, “Yeah, me too, you were here to get two makeovers” and then I smiled. She said, “No, I was here to get inspiration from your story. You have really inspired me to lose some weight and I want to thank you.” I was so touched by that and I got a few tears in my eyes. I know I’ve done a great job but I am always so touched when someone is inspired by me. ME!? Yes, me!



Makeover #1



Makeover #2



So then the bad news showed up and we (my husband and I) got the miserable 3. His godmother passed away, then his Mom’s dog (who he picked out and had a strong bond with) and my great aunt (who was one of my favorites of my great aunts). That was really horrible but we get through things like that. It made me realize that it could have been me if I had kept up my old lifestyle. It really upset me that I let myself get out of control but again there is a purpose for everything so maybe I am supposed to help others get their lives back on track. I still don’t know and I may never know but I keep living day by day and helping others when I can.

Then back to the good news. I can officially say I’ve lost 250 pounds! WOW! I am soooooooo proud of myself! It has been a fight and lots of hard work but I’ve done it. I still have over 100 pounds to lose but 129 pounds seems like nothing at this point. Of course I won’t be saying that during a plateau but hey right now it seems so doable. More doable than at my highest when I needed to lose 379 pounds! I’m 29 pounds away from being in the 200’s since my early 20’s which will be a huge victory and I’m certain I will get there this year (even possibly in the next 3 months) which I am pumped about!

This journey has brought so many great things. I am so fortunate to have so much support and thank all of you! I had voiced my concern to my therapist that what if this was just the “honeymoon”. She said well it has been almost a year and you are connected to others with support so it isn’t just the “honeymoon”. She said support groups and supportive people in general is what made AA so successful. That we, as humans, need to connect with others that understand what we are going through. It was profound and something I already knew but never really made the connection. It is so very true. We definitely cannot get through anything alone. Whether it is death, food addiction, alcohol addition, etc. We always need friends and family as support to get us through our toughest moments and to congratulate us through our victories. We do rely on others much more than I even realized.

So thank you to YOU for being my support and being a part of my success. Now let’s celebrate! J

Learning Curve

Dearest Family & Friends,

Well I have had a rough five weeks. The news about my knee needing to get replaced, then exactly a week later I got news that I have significant hearing loss and I need hearing aids. Between those two things I really felt like my body is that of a 70 year old. Definitely not 34 (almost 35) years old. It definitely was a lot to take in all at once. I never imagined either things to happen so soon in my life but I firmly things happen for a reason. It has definitely taught me to take better care of my body, which I am now, but sometimes it is too late and the damage has been done. Maybe that is the message I am supposed to share with others and have them learn from my mistakes? I don’t have the answers right now but I am sure one day it will make sense. I am a bit embarrassed by it, especially the hearing aide thing. That is why I’ve taken so long to expose it for everyone to read. I’ve told some people but admitting it on my blog is a whole new level of honesty and coming to terms with it. I had to come to terms with it myself. I have been and I am on the search for hearing aids. They are very expensive and I am told they last only about 5 years. What a bummer! So I already went to once place and will be going to Costco in a few weeks (I have an appointment) and then will decide from there. I definitely want to get them sooner than later (financially willing) because I do know I am missing out on quite a bit. Plus I am frustrated with having to read lips and telling others they need to speak up. I get so embarrassed.

I’ve also had a hard time with my weight loss. I was on a plateau for about five weeks that I would fluctuate between 3 pounds but never getting down past that certain number! My trainer is aware as well and was hoping that adding in the personal training component would help as it is a change that my body isn’t used to. Well something finally worked and I stepped on the scale yesterday (a fluke) and I had dropped two pounds. Then I stepped on the scale today just curious to see if my body was going to fluctuate and I actually dropped another three pounds. So five pounds in two days makes me extremely happy. I know another plateau is inevitable but I just hope it doesn’t come again for a very long time! So I have lost 236 pounds total and 159 pounds since surgery. I am approaching my one year since surgery very soon (in another 2 months). I can’t believe how quickly time has flown by.

The plateau actually gave me some time to experience what it will be like when I am at goal. Not seeing those numbers move may be something that will take some getting used to especially since I have been seeing those numbers move quite rapidly. I will definitely have to focus on something else so it did give me time to “practice”. But when you aren’t near goal weight it is very frustrating and I know it has definitely affected my moods and my overall well being. I felt like when someone asked me how I was doing I was negative or I lied and said I was ok. But it seems like my knee was hurting, or I was feeling sick, or this hurt or that hurt. It wasn’t the normal me that is for sure. So I now know I need to work on not letting my weight loss (or lack thereof) affect me and my moods.

My personal training is going great. She had me do some things at my last session that I was definitely scared about doing and didn’t think I would be able to do it. But I did it and I lived through it. She admitted she wasn’t sure about it either but gave me the confidence to do it. That is what trainers are for. They give you the confidence to do things you probably wouldn’t otherwise do. She is still impressed with my upper body strength. Quite frankly, I am too. She is also working on getting my leg strength back as well which I can tell she is working the muscles as my legs and even my butt have been very sore. Who am I kidding… my arms have been very sore too. But of course it is a good sore. She even has me sweating in just 30 minutes. The last session we did a lot of weights and core training.

I’ve had to work through a lot of things that aren’t familiar to me lately. When I wasn’t losing weight I began to worry that my metabolism had slowed down (which could be true) and that maybe I needed to increase my intake of calories from my average of 900 a day. So I had to get creative. I know it isn’t good to drink your calories but in my situation it is a little different. So I have a hard time taking pills. I have lots of them to take (vitamins due to malabsorption issues). I take one pill at a time and even sometimes those get stuck and are too much. So to increase my calories and to help the pills go down easier I take them with milk. So I am not only getting the benefits of having a creamier liquid to help them go down I am getting some extra protein, Vitamin D, Calcium in addition to a few extra calories which I consider healthy calories. I do the organic milk boxes so I make sure I am only doing a serving. It is hard to get my mind around it eating more calories though. My entire life (for the most part) has been focused on eating less calories. So this is the opposite extreme which is very hard. I am just getting creative. I eat a 60 calorie pack of prunes everyday (3 prunes) which help keep me regular. So I eat things that have other benefits rather than just eating something that has calories and no other benefits for me.

I want to say thank you to everyone for such great support you’ve given me. having people check in on me and giving comments and feedback really does help me to move forward in both good and bad times.

Shanda

Battling the changes that come up in life

Well life continues to happen whether I like what is happening or not. Now more than ever do I realize what an impact we make on our bodies good or bad. You all know I am very honest so I am going to be honest. I am usually very positive but with that said sometimes life isn't all about good times. Sometimes there are things that you just have to deal with as they come and sometimes they aren't good things. Sometimes writing here on my blog helps me sort it out in my head as well.

With that said, I got the results of my knees. I met with the surgeon and he unfortunately didn't have any positive news for me. My right knee (which is my "good" knee) he said is very close to needing a knee replacement. I have more cartilage on the right side of my knee than the left side (inside). He said in another 5 - 10 years my knee will probably be worn out by then. Then my left knee he said is completely gone. He did show us (my husband and I) the x-ray and explained everything which was very helpful. But I have no cartilage on my left knee. This is why I have been unable to straighten my knee. I am currently grinding my bones together and probably have been for a while as the bone looks like it is a bit worn. He said that my bones are also starting to bow and are currently bowing at about 5 degrees. So he then proceeds to tell me they won't do surgery on anyone unless their BMI is under 40. That is very understandable to me and what that translates to me is another 50 pounds or so. That isn't such a big deal to me. But he said age is another factor and at my age he doesn't recommend knee replacement. He said due to the fact that they last approximately 15 years (depend how hard I am on my knee) that I will have to have multiple knee replacements in my lifetime and with each knee replacement it gets more complicated. So he basically said to continue until I can't tolerate the pain anymore and see if technology improves. With that I was so upset. He left the office and I cried. No, I bawled my eyes out. Then I got my act together and left the office. I got to the car and bawled my eyes out again. I went to work and was so emotional and just drained. Every time I even started to talk about it I couldn't stop myself from crying. It was just a rough day.

This is similar to what my knee looks like. No space between the bones means
no cartilage which means bones are grinding up against each other. 

I had (and have) so much going through my head. What did I do to my body/knees? Why was I so careless? He did mention the history of bad knees in my family could have contributed to my knees. He said the weight didn't help it but being that I wasn't over 400 pounds for long he said that the weight wasn't the only reason for the deterioration. So all these regrets I now have that I can't take back. The damage is done. If... I should have...are all words that get me nowhere now.

I am "young" and losing weight should be giving me the opportunity to be more active and trying new things. Instead my activity is not much different now than it was 226 pounds ago. I had dreams of possibly doing a 1/2 marathon, hiking, and in general just getting out there and being more active. But now my knee(s) is holding me back once again. I am so mad and frustrated! But these are my feelings and no one can take my feelings from me. I expect to have a roller coaster of feelings. This weekend I got a lot of sun and the sun made me feel alive again. Honestly I felt like I was dead on Friday.

I'm not going to give up. I've already worked to hard (which is part of my frustration). But I will just continue doing my water aerobics which I know is the best for me until my knee situation is rectified. Luckily, I enjoy the water aerobics otherwise I'd be even more upset. I think the struggles are only given to those who can handle it. So I feel like this is only making me stronger. Hubby is amazed at how strong I am and was surprised that I really can tolerate the pain. I don't complain too much about my knees when they are hurting it has just become part of my day, which I know is unfortunate, but there are some things we just have to live with. Even if it is temporary.

My weight loss has slowed down significantly this last month which does scare me. I am hoping that the honeymoon period isn't over quite yet. They say there is a 12-18 month honeymoon period and it has only been 8 months for me but I worry this could be it. With that said I can't complain but I will. I have had an amazing transformation in such a short amount of time. I've lost 150 pounds since surgery (in 8 months) which I feel like is quite a blessing in itself.  I haven't weighed myself in over a week because I've been disappointed every time I step on the scale. I have people telling me I look thinner so I may be losing inches and gaining muscle. I've lost a total of 226 pounds and have reached another plateau. But I'm sticking with my lifestyle and not giving up.

I went clothes shopping last weekend and it was bittersweet. The shirts I was able to fit into a size smaller than I have in my closet which was very exciting. So now I know officially my closet (most of it) is too big for me, well at least the shirts. The pants now that is another story. Because I have a smaller waist, big hips and my legs are fairly big I wasn't able to find pants that fit. I know I will probably always have to wear a belt so I can fit my legs and hips in pants (my Mom & sister told me they have to do the same thing). Now grant it the store didn't have any tall pants to choose from either which was disappointing. But I thought for sure I'd be able to find something. All of my pants of the same size at home are too big but in the store they are too small? Doesn't make sense. So that was very disappointing and I came home and ordered some pants online. hopefully they fit.

I did FINALLY hire a trainer! I am so excited. She is someone that was referred to me and had awesome results. She is close by and I will be meeting with her on my lunch breaks. I am so happy to have made this decision. She knows what she has to work with now and feels up to the challenge. We will see what happens. I will be mostly working on weight training with her since I have the aerobic stuff down with my water aerobics and the fact I can't do much on land. We will see what happens. I look forward to toning my body!

So there are some good things mixed in with the bad. I am trying to keep a positive outlook but also learning to just deal with my emotions and not shove them down. This is all new for me. I actually took a hot shower Friday night and then called to schedule a massage trying some new coping skills. The massage place was booked for the weekend but was proud I made the initiative to do something other than eating which I can't do anymore. I'm learning that being upset and sad is ok too. Expressing my emotions is ok. I don't have to be happy 100% of the time. I just know the danger comes when it consumes me which is I am not going to let happen.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for commenting. Thank you for letting me vent!

Update and more surgery....

Total Weight Loss: 219 pounds

Post-op Weight Loss: 142 pounds

Total to goal: 160 pounds
YTD Weightloss: 21 pounds

Well I am happy to report that I am continuing to lose weight (although I've been stalled for a week) That is always a plus! I want to take a moment to congratulate my Mom who has lost 34.8 pounds doing Weight Watchers. I am so proud of her. She has struggled with her weight most of her life as well so we understand each other's journey. But I am so proud she's doing so well! Our family is getting healthy which I am happy about.

I am learning so much about myself. Not only on the inside but on the outside. You mean I have a chin? Cheek bones? Ribs? Yes I can feel or see them all. I really must say that my upper body has really gotten small. I look at my wrists and barely recognize my hands and arms. I can actually see the tendons and veins in my hands. I haven't seen them in at least 12 years. I went to have blood drawn and was told I have good veins. I don't know if that was the guy hitting on me or complimenting me. :-)


But with all the good stuff comes all the stuff I have to deal with now. I went to the doctor to address a bunch of issues. I must say my doctor is so good at explaining things and taking all the time I need with him. In any event the main issue I went for was my knee. I told him (and showed him) that my left knee will not go straight. If I try to make it go straight it just hurts (intolerable pain). So he said he doesn't feel it is something that physical therapy would be able to fix at this point. So he referred me to a Orthopedic surgeon. Oh goody! Can I tell you the knee issues in the family...especially as of lately. My Dad has had multiple surgeries on both knees and about 2 years ago (maybe it was 3 years ago) had knee replacement on his left knee. My mother-in-law had knee replacement on her left knee in December. My husband just found out this last week he has to have orthoscopic surgery on his left knee and the appointment has been scheduled for March. My Mom is having knee replacement on her right knee in April. So as a joke I said maybe I will be having surgery in May. Uggghhh! But I am just trying to accept it as it is and move on. Then I also am having problems hearing. That has been going on for about a year now. Part of it is caused by rapid weight loss (who would have known) but I have had fluid behind my ear drum for over a year now and medication hasn't helped. I have fluid behind both ears but the right ear is much worse. So I am being referred to a specialist/surgeon to take care of that.  In April/May I have to get my thyroid nodule checked and measured and find out if it needs to be removed this year or if I can wait. I really wish I could have all the surgeries I need to have all done at once but I don't think my body would like that. 


But I have to remember I'm not a kid any more and things happen and your body breaks down. I know the weight really affected my knees and probably caused even more damage to them. My weight still isn't great so I know there is still lots of pressure on them. I am very grateful though for those days where my knees don't hurt. I remember not too long ago I only prayed for those days and they never game. I was in excruciating pain 24 hours a day. Now I get some relief in between which I am so grateful for. Then there are times where my knees hurt really bad and it just reminds me to be even more grateful for the times when my knees don't hurt.


I want to be a resource for YOU so please tell me if there are things you'd like to me talk about in my journey. Sometimes I find it easy to talk about my journey and other times I find it hard because I don't want to bore people. But obviously there could be things that I think would bore other people that just aren't boring to others. All feedback is appreciated.

So Grateful!

I really do have so much to be grateful for. I could go on and on and I may bore you so I'm not going to put you through all of that; but with that said, I am grateful for my new life. I really believe I was born again on June 14, 2011. I feel like that is when I became alive. That is when everything began to change both mentally and physically. I am so grateful for my surgeon and his staff. I'm grateful for such loving and supportive friends, family, co-workers and for my virtual support which is those that have never met me but yet continue to support me through my journey.


A lot has happened this last week both good and well I'm not sure if the other item is good or bad yet but I will explain that.


So the first thing is I am officially in the 300's. Yes, that is right... I went from the 500's to the 400's and now in the 300's. It is so exciting to officially see that first digit on the scale move. What a victory for me!


That same morning I was getting ready for work and realized after I put the shirt on that it wasn't my shirt but it fit. It was my husbands shirt but it fit me just fine. I will be honest and it was a bit big in the upper section but the lower section fit! Not that I plan on wearing my husbands' clothes but it was just another thing to celebrate. I ended up just wearing the shirt because it was a unisex shirt and well I was proud of the accomplishment! Honey, if you are reading this....no you don't need to hide your clothes. 


Yet again the same day something else ironic happened. So after I jumped off the scale I thought to myself "I really need to get a personal trainer. Maybe I will post for people to send me referrals." I didn't post it (and I still haven't until now) and later that day I got a message from one of my favorite teacher's in high school. She stated her daughter is a personal trainer and she really wants to talk to me about my weight loss as she just got a new client that is over 300 pounds. Is this going to be my trainer? Who knows. But I thought it was so cool it presented itself to me. Not only that but really my passion is helping others. My goal is to be able to inspire and motivate others to make healthy choices and life decisions. That is what I want to do for my job. I love Real Estate don't get me wrong but I think I've finally realized what my passion is. We will see how things turn out.


The last thing I have not yet categorized into good or bad news. But on Saturday night I found a lump on my stomach (lower left side). When I woke up Sunday it was reddish and purple. I thought it might be a boil. But I woke up this morning and it seems to have moved away from the skin or maybe it got smaller or it could all be in my head. But my husband definitely confirmed there is a lump. I see the doctor Tuesday morning and will determine from there. I'm sure I am fine but all prayers and positive vibes are appreciated. I will keep you all updated on that.


It is hard to believe I am where I am today in regards to my weight and my health. I took a picture of myself in hubby's shirt to send to him and I didn't recognize myself. I haven't really looked at myself (full body shot) in the mirror in 5 months. I noticed how much my upper part of my body has gotten smaller (considerably) but I've also noticed how my hips are not as wide as well. I'm definitely a product of my Mom so I know I will always have hips but it is so crazy how small I am looking. Don't get me wrong I'm not small by any means and I still have a ways to go but seeing myself shrinking is definitely amazing.
I'm so grateful for being able to live in this life and to share my journey. If I can just save one person by sharing my story then I am truly fulfilled. I love this life!

My progress is coming along

Well not a whole lot to report but I figured I get on here to post an update. Yesterday was my first time going out to a restaurant and I was really stressed out about it. I did find something I could eat and it stayed down (yay). I found a shrimp and avocado appetizer. Definitely a small portion which was good for me. It was just enough! The waiter kept asking me if I wanted a drink... it was odd to not have something but I knew if I ordered water I would be tempted to drink it which is a weight loss surgery no-no. No drinking 1/2 hour before meals, during meals and 1 hour after meals. I also ventured out and had some yogurt. I love Golden Spoon frozen yogurt and 1/2 of a mini size is just enough for me. I have the other 1/2 in the freezer for later.

Also went to the movies. It was a huge step for me. I'm not too into going into crowds of people. It just makes me feel super uncomfortable. So going the the movie theatre and sitting in the front row was a huge step for me. The good news was it was a great move that my husband and I both enjoyed. If you wanna laugh then go and see Friends with Benefits.

As for the weight loss... I am losing but not as fast as I was. I guess a good steady 2-3 pounds a week is definitely something I will take. But also knowing how limited my food intake is I would expect to lose a little more. I am happy to be meeting with my surgeon this next week just to go over things and get more of a grip on things. Maybe I will need to up my protein which I am thinking I may just start leaning more towards protein shakes and not worry about the food. We will see what is said. So I've lost 44 pounds since surgery (almost 6 weeks out) and 121 total.

I have to admit this is much, much harder than I had expected. My mind is the one having the hardest time. My body knows what to do. My body is keeping me alive by surviving on my fat storage. But my mind is all over the place. I know hormones do have a lot to do with my mental state but my mind STILL wants to eat more. Not only that but I now have no choice. I can not eat emotionally, period, nada, nilch, none, zero. I also cannot get stuffed or else I will pay the consequences. That is the hardest part for me. Of course it is great for me and my health BUT on the same token it is just like quitting cold turkey I guess and I have to really depend on those new and healthy coping methods I know about. It is definitely hard to change those habits. Although I thought I was mentally prepared and ready prior to surgery somehow it makes it much more different when it is real. Don't get me wrong I was somewhat prepared but not as much as I thought. I guess you can only imagine so much but when something is real and you live through it it is quite another thing. That is why I don't like to judge others, until I've lived in their shoes. Ironically I don't have the unhealthy cravings still. Hopefully I don't ever again. But I also know that I'm lucky to get in a few bites of whatever I eat and even luckier if it stays down. All the stuff I used to like and crave I know would make me very ill and I've consciously made that decision that it just isn't worth it. So I guess it just comes down to choices now. I don't have a lot of choices right now, in that choices that I know won't make me ill. I have a small handful of choices I can say yes too and everything else is a "NO" at this point. That part is still hard to grasp especially when I see others around me enjoying that food that made me so fat. It doesn't bother me to see others eat it just sort of makes me sad inside that I've cut off that relationship with food. I know it needed to happen but when you lose a best friend no matter how you lose that friend and no matter if that friend was toxic or not... it still hurts. So yes... it still can hurt. I do knwo that time is on my side. I know that with time all of this will get easier. Time is necessary to heal the past wounds, to make the new healthy choices and remember that this is my new life. This is the lifestyle choice I chose for myself so I didn't end up in the ground at 35 years old. This is the choice I chose for myself and I know it is the best choice for myself it is just getting through the rocky patches and back to the road where it isn't as rocky and I am more confident in the choices I am making.

But honestly I can't complain because I am getting health under control and that is what my goal was all along.

Exercise after surgery and other tidbits

Well I FINALLY did it. I went to the YMCA in Encinitas and did my first workout since surgery. I put on my bathing suit and it was definitely looser as well which felt good. We got there about 15 minutes after the water yoga class had already started but joined in late anyways. I must say the yoga feels soooooo good. It is just nice to stretch and relax and focus on breathing. I really needed that. After that class was finished I told River that it is nice to be back in the water again. It really did feel good. I recently hurt my knee (again) so been having some knee issues and the water just let me do whatever I wanted to do without having to worry about my knee hurting. After that class we were waiting for the water aerobics instructor to show up and apparently she called in and said she wasn’t coming. So we sort of just did our own thing. After about 30 minutes of that I was done. I was EXHAUSTED as in I could fall asleep right then and there. So about a hour and 15 minutes the first day back isn’t too bad. I’m going to gradually work my workouts during the week in but knowing how exhausted I was today I definitely won’t be doing them after work every day yet. I want to go on Thursday as that is when our favorite instructor teaches so I am going to do Thursday & Sunday for now until I can start feeling normal again.

I did go back to work on the 5^th of July. The first week back was extremely hard and I left when I was tired. The second week I ended up working full time (pretty much) but I do know that when I come home I am really exhausted. I think stress really has a lot to do with how I feel but can’t really make the stress go away. I try to not let it affect me like it used to which has helped some but not a whole lot I can do to completely get rid of my stress, other than quit my job which is not an option. Not only that but then if I didn’t have a job there would be stress about income. It is never ending which I just have to realize and use coping methods. I don’t have the food coping method anymore which I have also found frustrating. Because I am now forced to deal with it differently which I know is better for me but the old habits are so much easier (as we all know). I want to eat but I can’t. The good news is I don’t crave necessarily bad things…still craving the protein type things. It isn’t so bad.

I think the hardest part right now is finding things my “pouch” likes. I have been having a hard time keeping things down. I really have to focus on chewing and eating slow as well. It isn’t as easy as it sounds. When I finally get to eat something that tastes good I get excited which I find sometimes I am not chewing well enough and/or I’m eating too quickly. So far shrimp does well. I ventured on to chicken because other fish has not done well and chicken does well but I know I am not supposed to really be eating it yet as per my surgeon. I will talk to my surgeon and see what he says. Tofu does really well and that is about it. I plan on getting some cheese to eat because I’m craving cheese and I can have it. Light string cheese is on the grocery list!

I really thought I was prepared for this but honestly it is much harder than I had imagined. I know some people have a easier time and then there are others that have a harder time than even me. Yes, there are days where I think “what have I done to myself”. Those aren’t necessarily thoughts of regret but mostly of “wow this is hard and am I ever going to get past this stage”. I know this is not reversible and this is a decision I chose. I’m sure a year from now I will say it is the best thing I’ve ever done but again this stage is really hard. A year from now it will be hard but I am guessing it will be a bit easier as I will know what I can and cannot eat. Right now I have a very small list of what I can eat and a year from now it will be much larger. I must say I didn’t imagine losing as much weight as I have post-op. Since surgery I’ve lost a total of 40 pounds. That is 40 pounds in not quite 5 weeks! That includes several plateaus in there and also 3 weeks of PMSing (sorry if it is too much information). Yes, that is right my hormones are whacked out to the max. But I’m still somehow losing. It took me about 11 months to lose 77 pounds pre-op so I was comparing the pre-op versus post-op weight loss thinking I’m already halfway to what I lost pre-op. That is amazing! So I am down 119 pounds from my highest weight in May of 2010.



My highest weight at 579

 



119 pounds gone from highest weight

I can feel the difference now. My knees (prior to my injury) were in pretty good condition. But now I hurt one and so they aren’t feeling so great. Everyone can see a difference in my face and many people say my upper body (neck, shoulders, etc). I can tell by the way my clothes fall off me now or they are really lose when they used to be tight. I fit in my truck differently and the seat belt has a ton of slack whereas before it barely went on. So many things already and I’ve really just begun. In about 71 pounds from now I will be at my halfway point. Honestly pretty amazing it is that close. J  I've included my before & after. What do you think?



 

No, I have not been cloned.

Many people think I have been cloned after learning I woke up on a weekend, today which is Sunday, at 7:30am and got up and went to the gym and exercised for 2 hours. Plus I only got 5 hours of sleep (I'm a 8 hours of sleep kind of girl especially on the weekends). Yes, it is true. Well let me go back...it is true I did all of the above but it is not true I've been cloned. I did a hour of water yoga and let me tell you there are some flexible people. I'm not one of them (yet). But it was a good stretching, meditation and breathing class which is super important on this journey. Then I did a super intense hour of water aerobics. River and I (yes he did both classes with me and he enjoyed them) went to the Encinitas YMCA today rather than our normal YMCA in Rancho Penasquitos. This water aerobic instructor was great. We got music (we don't get that in Rancho Penasquitos) and we got a very energetic instructor. She really encouraged us to push. We did some sprinting where I just really pushed myself. I definitely was winded but it felt good afterwards. I'm just learning to have a healthy lifestyle again. Something happened last week that really got me angry as to where I was with my weight. So my anger has helped fuel my passion and desire to live healthy by eating right and exercise.

So let's back up. What I am about to tell you is very embarrassing but by letting it out I am hoping it frees me from holding the embarrassment in (what a vicious cycle).  So I was invited (along with several co-workers) out to a social happy hour event and I had to decline not because I wanted to but to save me from possible embarrassment. I don't drink alcohol any longer but that isn't what really bothered and stressed me out. Yes, I was stressed about it. I cried about it, I had panic attacks over it. It really ate me up. Why I really had to decline is the fact that I know this place does not have chairs to accommodate my size nor do they have parking to accommodate my handicap needs. In fact there isn't much parking at all and I know I would have to walk too far and my knee just can't take it at this point. I was so angry that I let myself get to a point where I have to stress about being able to fit in a chair and if I am going to be able to walk to the place without falling over. Of course there is also the uncomfortableness of going to a unfamiliar place (I haven't been there in 10 years) and being around people who are healthy, and well let me put it out there... the "snobby rich people." Don't get me wrong not all people who have money are snobby. But living in a "wealthy" area of town has made me learn that many (not all) of the "wealthy" people look down on people who are overweight, especially over weight as myself. I guess it is because they have tummy tucks and plastic surgery they wouldn't know what real was. Haha. Ok, I'm not hating...just saying... I know I shouldn't care and I know I just need to be me but I am not comfortable in my own body so that stuff really gets to me. I already hear the comments enough in the few places I do go... I don't need to hear them again and nor do I need to be embarrassed one more time in regards to my weight. I heard someone say something at the gym the other day which upset me because I was there to do something about my weight. It was a kid so I can't really let a little kid upset me but it did. At least he said "big" instead of "fat". But nonetheless it still hurts. I know a lot of people have no idea what I am talking about here. Unless you have walked in my shoes (which many of you have walked in similar shoes) then you can't really judge. I'm not saying you are going to judge because all of you are so wonderful... but I'm just saying... It has something that has really upset me and always upsets me when I am invited to go to a "new" place or a place that I know won't accommodate my size. I already get stressed about going to a place that will accommodate my size. Yes, many of you that are close to me don't know that. I can hide things very well. I can fake it until I make it. I do it because I don't want to come across as weak or pathetic and I don't want to hear the words "just get over it". It is more than just getting over it.

So in any event that is that. I'm moving forward to healthy goals now. My goal is 10 pound goals. The big goal for me is to have 100 pounds gone by the time I have surgery in July. I have around 66 pounds gone so I have to try for an additional 34ish pounds in the next 3 months which is doable if I keep my mind focused on the prize (my health).

Stress...

So I have come to the realization that stress, more specifically, stressful situations, really make me want to eat. According to an episode bariatrictv it is a normal response. 

Of course it is something I will always have to fight. I know that stress is a part of life, it makes me feel alive. But sometimes it is a little too much. This afternoon I had a stressful situation at work happen and all I thought about was eating something really bad for me. I really had to fight with myself to be good and I was good but still have an urge to be bad. So now I am just trying to stay "busy". Earlier I was relaxing on the couch and I didn't think about it too much. But it is the time of the night where I crave sweets. So I decided to  come here and write rather than eat. Plus the good news is even if I went to the kitchen I wouldn't find anything really bad since we cleaned out everything. So I am learning to find solace in other things. I took a hot shower (which was relaxing). Now I'm in bed with the good ol' laptop typing my problems away. Much better than shoving my face with food. It is still a work in progress. I am sure there are times I will fail. But the point is to have more progress than failures.

I did go to physical therapy today. The physical therapist is going to work on both knees and upper legs. We worked mostly on my left leg (the one that isn't hurting but WAS my bad knee prior toabout a month or so ago) and it feels pretty good. The right leg we did some work on it I can tell just doing a few stretches has helped. Basically I was given some stretches and some exercises to do twice a day. He (my physical therapist) said everything is really tight which is also causing pain in addition to everything else going on so if we can stretch things out and build some strength I shouldn't be in as much pain. He said it can take about 6-8 weeks to show some improvement so I need to be patient. I will see him again in 2 weeks and we will go from there.

I'm definitely learning how to breathe and that I am grateful for my life and everyone in it. I am working on not letting the stress get to me like it does. Again a work in progress. I think I may go meditate and see how I feel afterwards.

Talk to you again soon!