Moving My Body

Well it has been awhile since I've blogged. I have been busy. As I reflect over the past year so much has changed. I remember a time when there was a ton of time. I couldn't move much so I sat in my bed or on the couch with little movement. Now I am rarely home and always on the move. I've been in bed sick (sore throat) for the last 24+ hours and I can't stand not being active. I really have realized just how far I've come in such a short amount of time. My trainer took some pictures of me in action and in looking at them I realize how far I've come. I couldn't move like that even a year ago. I definitely couldn't get down on my knees and there I am on my knees. I couldn't lift very much either and now I'm lifting 20 pounds in each arm. It  never ceases to amaze me just how far I've come. I would have thought you were crazy if someone told me 18 months ago what was in store for me. I didn't realize what I was missing out on. Life can be so good and the food and extra weight (or the thing we are drowning our sorrows in) can really blind us. I had just about given up hope. I was at the rock bottom and somehow I was able to dig myself out from under the bottom to being on top. I am on top and I will never allow myself to go there again. I am so grateful to all of you as your support helps keep me "in-check". 

As far as weight-loss goes it is up and down right now. But I am focusing on the inches and the last time I checked a few weeks ago it was about 9 inches down in a total of 6 weeks. I will be happy once I am in the 200's which is so close yet so far away. My weight loss has definitely slowed down so this is where the real hard work comes into play. I have a little over 100 more pounds to go to be at my goal weight. I was told I could have upwards of 45 pounds of extra skin. I really think it is closer to 20 pounds but won't really know until I meet with the plastic surgeon for a consultation which won't be until the end of the year.

I am hanging in there and continuing to fight everyday for my health. I hope you fight for your health too! I encourage you to find a buddy to move with. It will help keep you accountable. Also, find something you enjoy doing so it isn't such a "chore". Also, a personal trainer can help you to get stronger and move more and give you the confidence to be able to do it. I don't have much confidence to do some of the exercises but my trainer gives me that confidence which really makes a difference.

Lots lost but much more gained!

I'm back.... yes, I don't blog quite as often as I would truly like. Life gets in the way. To be honest though it is much better than being pretty much bedridden. I remember those days well because they weren't that long ago. Yes, I was able to move but it just hurt too much to move. So most weekends and nights were spent at home in bed or on the couch. Now I am hardly ever home just sitting around. I'm much more active because I can walk and I can move. I can do so much more and life feels so much more worth living for. I didn't realize how depressed I was. Sometimes it takes change to make you realize just exactly how bad things were. I've enjoyed the changes that have happened. My husband and I go grocery shopping together and I can actually do it. I have to admit towards the end my knee(s) are aching but at least I'm able to walk around and do it! We have been camping a lot because I can! Although, we haven't gone much this month. There is a lot of other things going on. The biggest thing is that I'm not afraid to get out of the house. I now realize I had a fear of leaving the house. Not necessarily to go to work but to go anywhere else. I just got stressed thinking about "what if" scenarios. I couldn't walk far so I had to be sure to park close and then walking around would only be a few minutes before I was in so much pain I had to sit down. The other stressful scenario was if there would be chairs I could fit into and most of the time there wasn't. I just recently learned that my husband was also burdened thinking about those types of things for me. We would go to a restaurant (or somewhere that we had to sit down) and he would scan the restaurant for a chair that I would fit into and a chair that was sturdy. His biggest fear was that I would break a chair and I would be so embarrassed. So my weight really impacted him which I feel badly about. It is one thing to burden myself but quite another to burden the ones I love.


So with that said I've accomplished some non-scale victories. The biggest one for me was being able to get down on the ground and get up without hurting myself. In fact I was even able to get up without even struggling much to get up. I was also able to get on my knees. It hurt a little bit but I was able to do it. I was super scared though because I imagined my 579 pound body getting down on my knees rather than my new 310 pound body. Yes, it is still a lot of weight but it is definitely significantly less. My brain still hasn't really embraced that yet. I think it has been such a short amount of time that I have lost so much weight and my brain only can process that sort of change slowly. So my other non-scale victory was to put on a dress and skirt without feeling "fat". I actually felt "girlie" which is a first in a very long time. The only time my husband has seen me in a dress was on our wedding night so as you can tell it has been a very long time since I've even put on a dress. 


So going back to the part that my brain hasn't caught up. I find myself looking at a picture of me thinking "gosh she looks good" and then I catch myself and realize I thought "she" instead of "I". I do that quite often and it is a bit odd to me. Or I will be told that I'm an inspiration and then I want to say "who me????". I think I am too humble to take credit for it all. Or maybe it has to do with my self-esteem. In any event it is something I know I need to work with my therapist on.


I still am amazed about how much extra weight really can alter your life. Even 50 pounds ago I wasn't able to do what I am now and I am sure 50 pounds from now I will be saying the same thing.


So I wanted to share a few quick facts about my journey of health.
Total pounds lost: 269
Starting BMI: 76.4
Current BMI: 40.9
Starting Weight: 579 pounds
Current Weight: 310 pounds
Goal Weight: 200 pounds
So much lost but much more gained including my health and my life!

One Year Surgiversary...A Reflection of the Last Year

I just recently celebrated my one year surgiversary (on June 14th). It was one year ago that I went and had my guts rearranged without knowing what the outcome would be. It was something that I didn't take lightly. I researched for several years contemplating if this was the right choice for me. I also did a lot of praying about it. I'm not a religious person but I am very spiritual. I came to realize that you really don't know the answer until you go through with it. But I felt at ease going through with it so I knew that was my sign that it was right for me. I had no idea if I was going to have a hard time or an easy time. Everything was unknown which was the scary part. I hoped to have a easy time and for the most part I did. The first three months there was a lot of throwing up going on. I really learned that I had to listen to what my body did and didn't like and how I felt when I was full and that just one more bite could make the difference of throwing up or not.


In one year I lost 184 pounds. That is remarkable, in my opinion. My surgeon seems to think so too. He even gave me a big hug because he was so excited for me. As of my surgiversary date I had lost a total of 260 pounds total. That is such a huge number and really is hard to fathom I've done all of that hard work. Every ounce of blood, sweat and tears contributed to that weight loss. Lots of decisions were made as well. A decision to eat this and not that, definitely lots of those types of decisions.


So much has changed in just one year. I don't depend on my husband to do as much for me. I was so heavy and being that I was bone on bone in my left knee... just standing hurt let alone walking a step or two. So it was hard for me to get up and do things for myself. Now I get up and do things for myself even when my knee (or now my back) are hurting. The pain will always hurt but it is much different with 260 pounds off of my knees (which is 1,040 pounds reduction in pressure in my knees). I am so much more mobile and aren't stressing out in almost every situation like I was previously. I'm not as worried about fitting in chairs as most chairs that I sit in I can fit with ease. I don't worry about being able to walk around as I know I can walk around (but still can't walk all day). I will take the improvement I do have though. I'm sure once I have my knee replacement things will change for the better (was I recover).


I feel different. I feel so thankful to be alive. I feel like living life instead of dreading life. My outlook is so much more positive. I actually can look in the mirror and find myself attractive and love myself. That has been lots of therapy though. I even am learning to love all of the imperfections. I won't ever be perfect so I am acting me how I am. Again, it has been a work in progress. I can now cross my legs and am quite comfortable when doing it. I can see my clavicle bones (collar bones) in my chest which is surprising since I still have 115 (as of today) more pounds to lose.


The other good news is that my surgeon, my doctor and I are all on the same page in regards to a goal weight. That is a miracle in itself because my goal weight is higher than the BMI charts. My doctor told me that the BMI charts don't take into consideration muscle mass or bone density (which I knew) so they aren't accurate for someone who has some muscle (me) and big boned (me). But I was thrilled with that and that I don't have some unreasonable expectations.


With the weight loss has come all sort of other issues. I'm having hormone issues (big time), back issues and a few other things that are a result of the weight loss. But in the scheme of things I am happy to have my health back and I'm probably the healthiest I've ever been in my entire life. It feels so great!


I really encourage others to find support in what ever it is that you are trying to do. There is nothing worse than feeling alone and like you are the only one on the journey. I'm talking whether it is weight loss, smoking, alcohol...anything. There are support groups everywhere for everything these days. I know for me having a support group has made all the difference in my progress. Knowing I'm not the only one battling this battle definitely helps me to move forward in the right direction.


I'm hoping to be at or very near my goal at my 2 year surgiversary. I think losing the rest of the weight in the next year is realistic. I'm also factoring in that there will be skin to remove that will weigh something (maybe 20 pounds). So I'm really looking at maybe loosing approximately 100 pounds in a year. I know with lots of hard work and determination I can do it!


Thank you all for your feedback, your input and your support. I love hearing from each and everyone of you, even if I don't always respond to everyone. Here's to another year of life, love and health!