Saturday, July 21, 2012

Lots lost but much more gained!

I'm back.... yes, I don't blog quite as often as I would truly like. Life gets in the way. To be honest though it is much better than being pretty much bedridden. I remember those days well because they weren't that long ago. Yes, I was able to move but it just hurt too much to move. So most weekends and nights were spent at home in bed or on the couch. Now I am hardly ever home just sitting around. I'm much more active because I can walk and I can move. I can do so much more and life feels so much more worth living for. I didn't realize how depressed I was. Sometimes it takes change to make you realize just exactly how bad things were. I've enjoyed the changes that have happened. My husband and I go grocery shopping together and I can actually do it. I have to admit towards the end my knee(s) are aching but at least I'm able to walk around and do it! We have been camping a lot because I can! Although, we haven't gone much this month. There is a lot of other things going on. The biggest thing is that I'm not afraid to get out of the house. I now realize I had a fear of leaving the house. Not necessarily to go to work but to go anywhere else. I just got stressed thinking about "what if" scenarios. I couldn't walk far so I had to be sure to park close and then walking around would only be a few minutes before I was in so much pain I had to sit down. The other stressful scenario was if there would be chairs I could fit into and most of the time there wasn't. I just recently learned that my husband was also burdened thinking about those types of things for me. We would go to a restaurant (or somewhere that we had to sit down) and he would scan the restaurant for a chair that I would fit into and a chair that was sturdy. His biggest fear was that I would break a chair and I would be so embarrassed. So my weight really impacted him which I feel badly about. It is one thing to burden myself but quite another to burden the ones I love.

So with that said I've accomplished some non-scale victories. The biggest one for me was being able to get down on the ground and get up without hurting myself. In fact I was even able to get up without even struggling much to get up. I was also able to get on my knees. It hurt a little bit but I was able to do it. I was super scared though because I imagined my 579 pound body getting down on my knees rather than my new 310 pound body. Yes, it is still a lot of weight but it is definitely significantly less. My brain still hasn't really embraced that yet. I think it has been such a short amount of time that I have lost so much weight and my brain only can process that sort of change slowly. So my other non-scale victory was to put on a dress and skirt without feeling "fat". I actually felt "girlie" which is a first in a very long time. The only time my husband has seen me in a dress was on our wedding night so as you can tell it has been a very long time since I've even put on a dress. 

So going back to the part that my brain hasn't caught up. I find myself looking at a picture of me thinking "gosh she looks good" and then I catch myself and realize I thought "she" instead of "I". I do that quite often and it is a bit odd to me. Or I will be told that I'm an inspiration and then I want to say "who me????". I think I am too humble to take credit for it all. Or maybe it has to do with my self-esteem. In any event it is something I know I need to work with my therapist on.

I still am amazed about how much extra weight really can alter your life. Even 50 pounds ago I wasn't able to do what I am now and I am sure 50 pounds from now I will be saying the same thing.

So I wanted to share a few quick facts about my journey of health.
Total pounds lost: 269
Starting BMI: 76.4
Current BMI: 40.9
Starting Weight: 579 pounds
Current Weight: 310 pounds
Goal Weight: 200 pounds
So much lost but much more gained including my health and my life!