Stress...

So I have come to the realization that stress, more specifically, stressful situations, really make me want to eat. According to an episode bariatrictv it is a normal response. 

Of course it is something I will always have to fight. I know that stress is a part of life, it makes me feel alive. But sometimes it is a little too much. This afternoon I had a stressful situation at work happen and all I thought about was eating something really bad for me. I really had to fight with myself to be good and I was good but still have an urge to be bad. So now I am just trying to stay "busy". Earlier I was relaxing on the couch and I didn't think about it too much. But it is the time of the night where I crave sweets. So I decided to  come here and write rather than eat. Plus the good news is even if I went to the kitchen I wouldn't find anything really bad since we cleaned out everything. So I am learning to find solace in other things. I took a hot shower (which was relaxing). Now I'm in bed with the good ol' laptop typing my problems away. Much better than shoving my face with food. It is still a work in progress. I am sure there are times I will fail. But the point is to have more progress than failures.

I did go to physical therapy today. The physical therapist is going to work on both knees and upper legs. We worked mostly on my left leg (the one that isn't hurting but WAS my bad knee prior toabout a month or so ago) and it feels pretty good. The right leg we did some work on it I can tell just doing a few stretches has helped. Basically I was given some stretches and some exercises to do twice a day. He (my physical therapist) said everything is really tight which is also causing pain in addition to everything else going on so if we can stretch things out and build some strength I shouldn't be in as much pain. He said it can take about 6-8 weeks to show some improvement so I need to be patient. I will see him again in 2 weeks and we will go from there.

I'm definitely learning how to breathe and that I am grateful for my life and everyone in it. I am working on not letting the stress get to me like it does. Again a work in progress. I think I may go meditate and see how I feel afterwards.

Talk to you again soon!

It is Monday!

It is Monday! I know how you all love Mondays. Another day that we are alive in this world, right? So much to be grateful for. I’m working on changing my attitude. Not that I think I have a bad attitude but I am going to be happy about Monday (and everyday for that matter). I have been existing and not living. It is time for me to connect and live life. Of course a lot of that is going to be easier once I have more weight off of me. I would not wish this extra weight on my worst enemy, ok maybe I would. NO, just kidding I wouldn’t. I am just so happy to be alive and able to have a supportive husband. He has been my rock through this process. He has really been on board with me as of recently which I am very happy about. It benefits him too since he has weight to lose and he is diabetic.

Eating healthy can be fun. Think of all the new and exciting recipes out there that I’ve never had. That is the attitude I need (and I have). As dr. Nick says in his book, My Big Fat Greek Diet, “You have to change the way you see before you can change the way you look.”. Boy isn’t that true. Many people don’t understand that but I understood it the first time I heard it. You have to change your mindset and your approach and outlook on the journey of weight loss (you have to be willing to change) in order to change the way you look (lose weight).

I have not heard from doctor yet but it is only Monday. Tomorrow I will start physical therapy on my knee/legs. I am hoping this time they don’t tell me after one session that they don’t feel it could benefit me. I definitely do feel it can benefit me.

Alright I’m done for the day. Good night and see you on Tuesday. J

New recipes

So this afternoon I decided to try some new recipes. I don't bake or cook like I used to. In fact I have to humbly admit that River has done most of the cooking. He enjoys cooking so I let him. He can't bake though. I can bake pretty darn good. So tonight. I went to theworldaccordingtoeggface blog and found a Mexican mini meatloaf recipe I thought I would try. I substituted ground turkey instead of beef but otherwise I pretty much followed the recipe. It did take some time to put together but it was delicious! River was very impressed how good it was and still healthy. I added some fage greek yogurt instead of sour cream and mixed it with some taco seasoning for some zest. The yogurt is high in protein. It is a bit bitter and I don't like it plain but love it with fruit or added to something else. Anyhow the meatloaf came out great and even I could eat it. I tend to have an issue with eating food I make (I usually don't like the taste). I added a bit of tapatio sauce for a little bit of zest and wahlah and delicious high protein meal. We have some leftovers as well so it will be nice to have again another night.

For dessert (which I often don't do now) I decided to try one of the 5 minute cakes that Shelley (the owner of the blog page) makes. I decided to make the 5 minute chocolate protein cake but I made a few changes. Instead of chocolate protein power I used chocolate-peanut butter protein powder. I used Torani sugar-free chocolate syrup. I usually don't like this flavor (hubby bought it and neither of us like the flavor) but in the cake it was good. I topped it with a little bit of peanut butter and a little bit of Torani sugar free chocolate sauce. DELICIOUS!! At some point this week I want to try one of the protein ice creams. Then I will get brave and try the ice cream cake. If I can get that for my birthday I will be happy. I did spend a lot of time on the meatloaf this afternoon but it was actually kind of fun. I could see myself getting into cooking more and experimenting with what I can eat that is healthy.

Update

My ultrasound went ok, I guess. I was expecting the ultrasound technician to tell me something “off the record” but I didn’t get much. I was told “you definitely have a nodule on your right thyroid and not the left and the doctor will be contacting you and you will probably have to have another test most likely a radioactive iodine test.” So I am more anxious than anything. Of course since last night I feel like the nodule has gotten a lot bigger as I can notice it and feel it more than before.  Of course it couldn’t have grown that much overnight but I feel like I have this foreign thing inside the side of my neck and is quite uncomfortable. Once I get a prognosis I will be much better (especially a prognosis such as “it’s nothing”). That is what I am hoping for.

 

My birthday is coming up and although I’m not big on birthdays (never really have been) I have been thinking about how to do my birthday different so it isn’t focused on food. I rather do something I enjoy. So I’m thinking of having some type of birthday playing games. I will serve food (healthy) but it will not be focused on the food. I am going to try out a few cake (and possibly ice cream) recipes from the blog I frequent. The cake is 5 minute cake and does not use white flour (instead multigrain pancake mix – think healthy). Can’t beat that! I’m interested in finding out how good it really is. If it works out I will make a bunch of different flavors for my birthday so I can have my birthday cake. There are some recipes for protein ice cream (where protein powder is used) and if I am feeling really creative a ice cream cake which has always been my favorite (some recipes for that as well). So looking for things I can eat but not focus on those instead focus on the games and laughter and having fun. I just have to coordinate it with children games and adult games or a game both children and adults can play. Suggestions are welcomed.

 

I’m doing well. Today went to a birthday party (my niece) and had meat, cheese, veggies and fruit. No bread (passed up croissants which used to be one of my favorites) and passed up cake and ice cream. Yesterday I passed up cake we had for an employee birthday and all of my staff was so amazed I could pass up cake. Not in a negative way, they just said “Wow I couldn’t do that.” I told them it is all about choices. I choose not to do it because I know the consequences and right now the consequences of eating it is not worth it to me. Plus I’m trying hard to stay away from the flour, bread, etc.. so it is overall best for me anyhow. I don’t really struggle with doing without as long as my mind is in the right place. I always think of the down sides of eating something and it keeps me strong and the temptation goes right out the door.  It is just my own game I have to play with myself. We all have something we do or tell ourselves when making choices to refrain from something.

 

I did get a little too much vitamin D aka “the sun”. Now don’t get me wrong the sun is good for me. Especially me since my vitamin D levels are low (because I’m rarely in the sun). I have usually avoided the sun like the plague only because my skin is so fair and I burn so easily. I’ve gotten blisters one too many times and it is too hard to tell how fried I am until it is too late. Well I was sitting in the sun today and I definitely got sunburn. It doesn’t sting (yet) but it is definitely warm and definitely bright red.

 

I think that is all I have to share for now. See ya.

Appointments

So yesterday I did fax the internist asking him to release me for surgery. I don’t even know if I am going to get a call or something in the mail from him or what. So that makes me a little frustrated because then how do I know if I should call into my surgeon to follow-up on my surgery date. As it gets closer I get more impatient. I’m almost positive my surgery will be in August/September which seems like forever but I know it will be sooner than I think being that we are almost into April.

 

I called for an appointment for the ultrasound on the nodule on my thyroid today. I felt my throat/thyroid and I definitely do feel a HUGE lump. So I am really scared and my stomach is in knots right now. They had a cancellation and have an appointment tonight at 8:00 which I agreed to take. They said if I don’t take it their next appointment isn’t until May so I just decided to take it because I need to get it taken care of and results sent to my surgeon and doctor. Please pray that it is nothing. I read about it and only 5% of them are cancerous which is a small percentage. But still it is scary. I’m such a wimp with these sorts of things and don’t handle it well. It is still amazing I decided to go through with the surgery and haven’t completely had a meltdown (yet). But I am trying to keep the fear in check (as much as I can).

 

Still trying to figure out the gym thing. We haven’t joined but I know I need to so I can take my water aerobics classes. It just comes down to financially being able to figure it out. I know I am worth it and it is my health so we will find a way. Just a rough month for us financially and next month is going to be even worse (from the projections). Gotta love being on a commission/bonus. At least I do have a salary so it is a little something.

 

Anyhow that is my update for today. Please say your prayers and wish me luck. I need them!

 

 

Not much new to report

Yes, the title says it all. There is not much new to report. As they say, no news is good news, right!? Today is my 3 week point as to when I can fax the internist. I'm struggling with it though. As much as I want to I'm not up to exercising 45 minutes a day yet. I have asked around to others who were near around what I weigh and they said they were not doing any kind of exercise prior to surgery and they came out just fine. I am exercising just not 45 minutes a day. I mean that is sort of extreme for someone my size that isn't being supervised. I'm definitely working up to it though and I know the water aerobics will help. I haven't joined the gym yet as we are working through the financial aspect of it but hoping to join this week. In the meantime I am riding the bike almost everyday for about 15-20 minutes a day. Then I will do either weights, wii or resistance band exercises.

I will be setting my appointment tomorrow for my physical therapist and then on Friday I will be calling for an appointment for an ultrasound. Other than that I am doing well. I've lost 63 pounds altogether. I feel like I should be losing more with the radical change I've made. I'm not eating processed carbs, having a protein shake as one of my meals (breakfast), no snacks during the day (only lunch & dinner) and then under 1500 calories a day (most days under 1200 calories) plus I am exercising. I will up the water intake and see if that helps.

Other than that... that is it from me... I'm trying to post more often just as a outlet for me. Plus something to come back to when I've lost a bunch of weight and may be having a hard time.

Take care y'all.

Holistic Healing

So I’ve always been interested in holistic healing but never really looked much into it. Lately I have really had the urge to learn how to meditate and start being grounded in that way. Just sort of connect with myself and be at peace type of thing. So I am currently taking an online class on the basics of meditation. Well in researching meditation and other holistic concepts tonight I came across something called Chakra. What it is, is there are 7 energy centers in our bodies. The first one is at the tailbone and it is your representation of your connection to Earth, family, and roundedness. Which I have known I am lacking in. A physical imbalance includes knee pain & weight issues (among other problems that I don’t have). So anyhow you can heal the “clogged” energy centers in several ways. There is color therapy, aroma therapy, sound therapy, stone therapy and lifestyle therapy. So this particular one was the first one I read about and I was interested in the sound therapy. So a link I clicked on directed me to a YouTube video. I listened to the sounds and was not what I expected. I almost turned it off but I had realized my knee (which has ached like crazy all day) was feeling better. By the end of it my knee felt better (pain wise). Of course I know better than to think it is going to cure of me of arthritis or tendonitis but it definitely took the pain away. I didn’t go into it thinking it was going to help it just did.  What I listened to is what they call balancing so there are different tones for all of the different energy centers and the sounds will unclog you.  I am probably not doing this any justice in how I am explaining it since I just learned about it today but I suppose sometimes it is hard to believe in something until you experience it for yourself. So anyhow… I’m definitely into it and am hoping that it will at the very least relieve some of my unwanted pain. It can’t hurt to try something… right? The tones weren’t relaxing at first but I’ve listened to it a few times and it has become a bit more relaxing. I took a quiz and my most clogged areas are the one I mentioned and my throat. How ironic I have an nodule on my throat and all the symptoms of the throat clogging I have. Again it may not heal me (or maybe it will) but it can’t hurt to try. I am just leaving my mind totally open about this. I’m definitely on the road to spirituality, meditation and holistic healing.

 

It has been an eye awakening weekend for sure. I’ve learned two huge lessons this weekend. I know things happen for a reason. I am sure this was something I was meant to find because the pain medication wasn’t working and I was having a hard time dealing with the pain today. I’m now feeling very balanced and happy. I even burned some sandalwood smelling incense (good aromatherapy for one of the energy centers) and slightly opened the window and listened to the rain. What a perfect evening.

Good deed

So yesterday I ate beef for the first time in a very long time. I went to one of my old time favorite places, In-and-Out. I had it protein style so it was wrapped in lettuce. When River gave his order they made a mistake and we were charged for 3 burgers. We didn’t’ realize it until we our order was ready. River wanted to throw it out but I told him we should keep it for later. I knew we probably wouldn’t eat it but hey you never know. Well when we left there was a lady in the middle divide with a sign.  I don’t really even remember what the sign said. So I said to River, “Let’s give the extra food to the lady”. He rolled down his window and said, “Are you hungry?” and she nodded her head yes. We gave it to her. She had tears going down her eyes and it gave me chills and wanted to make me cry. I remember seeing her take her first bite and that was an amazing moment for me. Here I was, my entire life, addicted to food but yet here was someone starving and so grateful (I’m assuming) that she was crying. All that extra food I ate in the past could have gone to people who haven’t had meals in days or longer.  It really did humble me and made me realize just how selfish I have been. Of course I know there is much more to it than that as there are lots of reasons why I use food as my drug of choice but it definitely put a light bulb in my head. So the light turned green and we left and she turned around and waived at us. I waived back even though she probably didn’t see me. It felt good to do something good. I hesitate giving the people money because I know a lot of them are addicted to drugs and/or alcohol and I wouldn’t want to contribute to their addiction but giving them food is something they need and she seemed very hungry and very grateful.

We also went to the YMCA yesterday to check out the pool. I know I had mentioned I’m joining the YMCA but that was just a decision I had made, I actually haven’t done it yet. The pool has a ramp which is exactly what I’m looking for. The parking isn’t great but I have a handicap parking sticker and they have some handicap parking so I’m not too worried about it. I was ready to sign up but they said they could possibly waive the joining fee but that person that has that authority isn’t in until Monday. So River said he is going to call to see if we can get it waived since we were formerly a member of the YMCA. Either way we will join on Monday. I’m excited and scared. They keep the pool around 84-86 degrees which is a nice warm temperature for my knee. J It is a indoor pool so I can go even if it is raining. No more excuses!

Alright I am meeting with a friend I haven’t seen in forever. I am so excited to see her. I have to finish getting ready. Thanks for all of your love and support!

My appointment

So today I went to the doctor for several things but the main two were my thyroid and knee. The thyroid he looked at it and said oh yeah it is huge. He said I need to have a ultrasound. He said there is a 5% chance it is cancerous which made me feel better. No one knows why people get nodules on their thyroid but they do. Sometimes they can get too big and cause a narrowing of the throat which will cause a problem with breathing and eating and which at that time it will be recommended to be removed. So I have to make an appointment for the ultrasound and I can’t call for an appointment for 5 business days. UGGGHHH!

My knee…. I have patellar tendonitis which is when the kneecap (patella) shifts out of place as the leg bends or straightens. In most cases, the kneecap shifts too far toward the outside of the leg, although in a few people it shifts toward the inside. Yet another fun symptom of being overweight. So although I don’t have many “health conditions” I definitely have wear and tear on my body. My doctor was very good at explaining the x-rays I got last time and pointed where on my knee that particular “issue” was going on. I have spurs, arthritis, tendonitis… pretty much have it all. He said if I wouldn’t have lost the 62 pounds I’ve already lost I would be much worse off and possibly not able to walk. So he injected my knee with some medicine that numbed it for awhile (what a relief from the pain). It will also help heal it (hopefully). My knee hurts right now but it is more of a sore kind of hurt instead of the very intense pain. I was also given some strong painkillers to help with pain which I have taken one tonight which I’m sure also is helping. It is a painkiller but also a inflammation reducer. He also is sending me to physical therapy (again) to strengthen my thigh and my legs in general. He said my kneecap is basically floating around because my tendons and muscles in my legs aren’t strong enough to support my weight. There is much more but that is the cliff note version. I will see him again in 3 weeks so he can follow-up with my knee and see how I’m doing and go from there.
Again… I’m living each day… day by day. I have detached myself from coping with food. I eat small meals and can tell my stomach has shrunk already as I no longer can eat a full meal like I used to. I’m naturally shrinking my stomach. So far so good. I know there will be a day will I will really struggle with wanting something that I told myself I would never have again but I have to remind myself over and over again that my health is more important than that instant gratification. The gratification only lasts a small amount of time whereas my health lasts forever. I’m planting all the positive vibes in my head. I am reprogramming the way I think in preparation for surgery. I know surgery is not going to be easy, but the more I can do before surgery the easier it will be for me.

Am I too negative?

That is a question I have been pondering. I think sometimes I play off things like there is nothing wrong and my world is perfect. Lately I feel like everything out of my mouth is negative. I guess just all my aches and pains. But it is my truth. So when people ask “How are you?” are you supposed to not say the truth. I know we are conditioned to do as such. Everything is always “I’m great”. Are we supposed to faked it until we make it or should we be truthful? But it got me thinking am I too negative. I’ve never wanted to be one of those negative people that others can’t stand to be around. So I have trouble with saying how I really feel. I know in my blogs/emails it is a bit easier for me to be open and blunt about things. But this morning a co-workers asks “How are you doing this morning?”. She knew that I have had some intense knee pain. Well my answer was truthful and I said, “My knee is a little bit better but now it is my neck.” When I said that it really started to make me think about me being negative. I mean it wasn’t like woe is me and I was down about it. I did joke about it and maybe that is the difference between a negative person and someone who is just truthful and going through a rough time. Maybe it is how it comes out of our mouth. I’ve been around very negative people and I really don’t want to be around them. I am just hope I am not becoming one of those people myself. So any feedback would be appreciated.

 

Life...pain...trying to stay positive

Well my knee is getting worse. I am sooo scared. I am in so much pain that I feel nauseous. It is horrible! I have officially hit rock bottom. I don’t know what else I can do for myself. I’ve lost 62 pounds total (I’m proud of that) but what else can I do? I can’t make the fat melt off of me but I sure wish I could at this point. I had the oddest but coolest thing happen to me last night. Some of you may think I have gone crazy and maybe I have. Maybe it is the pain but  I tend to think not. So I was in that phase of sleep where you are awake but almost asleep. My knee was throbbing and I was trying to breathe and ignore it. I had said my prayers earlier asking God for relief of my pain. So anyhow… next thing you know a white light shines down on my knee and I heard a voice say your prayers have been answered. I thought I was dreaming so it woke me up and I could straighten my knee with no pain. My knee did feel a little bit better for a brief moment. Then shortly thereafter I was in pain again. But I did not ask how long to have relief of my pain. Maybe I need to ask for exactly what I want. Often times I’m too vague in what I want. So tonight I will be asking for permanent relief of my pain. Let’s see what happens. At least from the intense pain. This is no place to be. I am not  happy in this place that I am at. At least physically I feel like crap. I can barely walk. I can barely stand. The weight is taking a toll on my body. I can’t even imagine if I was 62 pounds heavier. I am not going to go there. If my knees felt better I would definitely feel better but I suppose this is my constant reminder. I don’t think I need a reminder but alas there it is. Throbbing making me aware of all the bad decisions I’ve made. All the reasons I would stuff my mouth with food. I try to exercise but land exercises aren’t cutting it. I walk only when I need to. That is all I can do. I ride the bike but can’t decide if that is making my knee better or worse. I do weights on my arms and have been doing the resistance bands a bit too. I have increased my wii play as well. Yesterday I didn’t do anything due to the pain. Today I am in pain but I am going to force myself to do something. If even for 10 minutes. I need to do this. So any of you that are spiritual or religious please send your prayers. They are definitely needed.

I'm doing it....joining the gym!

Friends and Family and Blogger Followers,

I am so nervous for some reason to join the gym but I am doing it. I have done a lot of research and the YMCA wins (again). As many of you know, I was a member of the Palomar YMCA many years ago when I was doing medifast and lost 115 pounds. This time I will be joining the Rancho Family YMCA but have opted to choose the membership where I get access to all of them because the Magdalena Ecke YMCA facility offers some classes that the Palomar one doesn’t etc. So that I have options I think that is best for me. They are both pretty equal distance from me which works out too. They aren’t THAT close though so I am really going to need to push myself to go. Especially the EARLY morning classes. I am not a morning person so that is going to be a struggle. But I did it once before so I can do it once again. I am going specifically, for now, for the water classes. They have many different classes from water aerobics to water meditation. River is going to do it with me, at least he is joining the gym. Once I get to a place where I can actually exercise more I will be going inside the gym to work on the equipment but for now it is baby steps.

So I think I am mainly nervous because I’m embarrassed at how inflexible and out of shape I am. Not only that but my knee hurts sooooooooooooooo much sometimes I wonder if water will actually make it feel better. I know it will definitely at least let me exercise without my weight bearing down on my joints. The other thing is being self-conscious in a bathing suit. I just went online and purchased some cover-ups but may end up wearing the cover-ups in the pool. I need to find my bathing suit and make sure it still fits (note to self). I know I just need to get over it but it isn’t always that easy.

Again it is all about baby steps and taking one day at a time. In the mean time I am going to go play some wii now to get some of my exercise in. Oh yeah…by the way, I lost 11 pounds for the week and I was able to get through it without eating bread, tortillas, crackers, chips or any bad carbs. I will say it was very hard but I am ok now (I think). I definitely was going through withdrawals and mood swings and a roller coaster of emotions. It still isn’t easy but it is better. We cleaned out our pantry from anything that would be tempting and have vowed to only buy healthy foods. I am so happy River is on this journey with me. He’s doing great himself with a 9 pound weight loss this last week. It is amazing how much weight comes off without eating those horrible carbs! I’m trying to go healthy and leaning towards no processed foods. The processed foods thing is hard too but cutting out bad carbs has really cut a lot of  that out.

I see the doctor on Thursday for my thyroid but also for my knee. I have not gotten much sleep in the last few weeks. In fact last night every time I started to dose off my knee started throbbing and it woke me up. I took ibuprofen but it only takes off the edge the pain is still there. So I basically didn’t get any sleep. When I walk on it , well it feels like my knee is twisted and out of place. It is the most uncomfortable and painful feelings I’ve ever had. Hopefully the doctor will give me something for the pain and also some x-rays to see what is really going on.

For those of you that get this via email please subscribe to my blog. I will eventually probably phase out my emails and turn only to my blogs (I have too many places where I post/email so I need to make it simple for myself). If you can’t (for whatever reason) subscribe to the blog and rather get an email I can add up to 10 people to receive a copy of every blog I write via email so I can add you to the list, just let me know.

Alright… I need to go get my wii on. J

 

Hubby made a delicious treat

So this morning hubby and I were talking about mixing up our protein shakes by adding other things to make them more interesting. I told him I would get burned out by the same protein shake over and over again. I told him about a blog I found that is a woman who had weight loss surgery and loves to cook and comes up with the most delicious sounding bariatric friendly recipes. I told him that he can eat bariatric friendly stuff that it is just very healthy nothing odd about it. In any event while I was visiting theworldaccordingtoeggface blog, he went in and concocted his own recipe. He brought it to me saying "Remember an orange julius? Taste this". OMG! It tasted like an orange julius. All he did was add some orange juice to my vanilla protein shakes. He said it was "approximately" 4oz orange juice and 12oz non-fat milk and 1 1/2 scoops of IDMS Multi-Pro Whey Vanilla Cream powder and some ice. It was a lot of liquid (I'm usually only doing 8oz total a day). If I were to make it I would make it a smaller shake and use 2 oz juice and 6 oz of milk and 1 scoop of vanilla protein powder. Anyhow I got approximately 45 grams of protein from that shake. YAHOO!

It is time to go clean the house. Wish me luck... my knee is absolutely at its worst. Hubby has offered to help do the things that require a lot of standing (vacuum, mop) and I will try to do most of the cleaning sitting down if I can (dishes, dusting, etc.).

 

So today is a much better day. I can tell I am going through depression just by my sleeping patterns. I go to bed early and then I can’t get out of bed when my alarm goes off. Definitely a depression thing. Again, I am taking each day one day at a time. I am feeling more positive today though. I did exercise on the bike for 20 minutes yesterday and definitely shocked myself. I didn’t think I would be able to do it for that long. Actually it may have been a little bit longer but whose counting. I do know that I probably over did it as my knee is sore today. I will keep at it though. I wrap my knee tight when I do it and I don’t seem to have much pain while on the bike. It is nice to be able to do something! I will work myself up to 45 minutes by the time I fax the internist. Also doing some weights and going to start (again) on doing the resistance bands. Everything counts and adds up! Also playing some wii in the mix as well. Doing what I can. As of this morning I have lost 9 pounds since Thursday and I am one pound below where I was in January so that makes me happy. I’m hoping to have a total of 100 pounds gone on my own by the time I get on the surgery table. Just a personal goal, not one the surgeon set. The surgeon didn’t say I had to lose anymore he just said not to gain. But I know it is to my benefit to continue losing. Plus it is hard not to lose when you eat good and exercise as per my surgeons diet.

 

One day at a time….

I'm fighting for my health!

So I am having a rough day today. I woke up grouchy and tried to get my act together this morning while getting ready. I was making my morning protein shake and it was blending in my hand held blender and I knocked it over. It went all over me and all over the floor so I had to clean that up plus not to mention I had to change clothes. I came into work and I felt everyone was needy first thing and that really set me off. I am on a roller coaster now. I almost feel like I need to be locked up somewhere. Well not locked up…but isolated. Not that I would harm anyone but I just can’t handle people right now. I know this lifestyle change (no carbs) is good for me BUT man oh man am I going through withdrawals. I’ve watched shows like Dr. Drew and  watching people fighting their addictions and I feel the same way. I am so grouchy! This is so hard to deal with but yet I am doing it. I don’t get to go to rehab, I get to deal with everyday life and the stress involved in it so really it is even harder. Not to mention food/carbs are around me all day tempting me. They are easy to find and fairly cheap in comparison to some of the other addictions. I’m not saying this addiction is harder or easier because an addiction is an addiction there is no comparison. What I am saying is it is hard to have the temptations around me. The good news is at home there is no temptations. Maybe that is why I feel happier at home. I feel safe. I’m doing a food journal and the foods I have eaten have carbs in them so it isn’t like I am at zero carbs everyday but for some reason when it isn’t the fluffy carbs (as I call them) like the bread, tortillas, crackers, etc. it doesn’t feel as satisfying. My yogurt I ate today has carbs, even my protein shake has carbs (only 5g) but when it isn’t in the fluffy form I feel like I’m deprived or I am missing out. I know one day I will be totally happy about the fact that I am no longer addicted to those things but right now I am not there.  I am hungry. This is such a hard road. I don’t think I even had this hard of a time when I did medifast. Because guess what… I could still have my carbs. They had an item called soy crisp (like rice cakes) and those definitely were comfort to my carb addiction. Also learning how to make the right decisions is hard too. I mean I am focusing on high protein which is great but I have to prepare and then try to find different ways of getting that protein in. I don’t want to burn myself out on chicken. I had some imitation crab for lunch yesterday (it was just ok) and then fish for dinner. I had tuna for lunch today so it looks like I may burn myself out on fish. I know that my other option is turkey. So I have options. For those of you that don’t know I don’t eat beef, pork or lamb. Just a personal choice. I haven’t purposely ate it in about 6 months. That was easy because I didn’t enjoy them THAT much anyways. I have had beef a few times but it was because I ate something at a family gathering and I wasn’t aware that there was beef in it. It isn’t going to kill me I just try to stay away. So I guess I need to incorporate more recipes. Eating a salad for every meal is boring as well. So I just need to learn some new recipes. I had told River that I found some recipes online and I am going to print out some that sound good and make a binder of bariatric free recipes and I can start trying things now. I am trying to be positive but this is just so hard it truly is but I am fighting…

Ups and downs

So I am going through a sea of ups and downs right now. First the news regarding my 3 appointments.

The first appointment was with the surgeon. My height was measured and then I was weighed and my BMI was calculated with the machine along with my % of muscle versus fat. The thing that upset me is I shrunk 2 inches in a year. I've always been 6' or taller. But apparently I'm only 5'11 now. WOW! I didn't think I was so attached to my height but I made the girl re-measure me. No change. I have a hunch it has to do with my knee and being out of alignment. UGGGHH! I was so upset by it. Then I waited in the waiting room for the surgeon to see me for almost 2 hours. Yes, he was slightly (hahaha) behind. My husband went with me so I finally made him go out and see what was going on (because I was covered by one of those hospital/doctor gowns). Shortly thereafter the surgeon showed up. He came in and was very serious asking me lots of yes or no questions. When he was done with that he checked me out. He made the table go forward by accident thus causing me to fall forward and he said "Jerk!!!! Oh not you, the table". We laughed about it and it helped loosen up my tension. I had read reviews that he is the most serious and the most strict of the surgeons. He was serious at first but then became very encouraging. He checked me out and found a nodule on my thyroid that he wants me to get checked out before surgery otherwise he cleared me for surgery. My husband and I both asked him questions and he had answers for them. I learned the largest patient he performed surgery on had a BMI of 99 and that patient came out of surgery just fine. He wasn't worried about my weight at all. He kept patting me on the back reassuring me I was going to be fine. He was pleasantly pleased that I had lost about 50 pounds already. He said to continue losing if possible but definitely don't gain. He also put me on a strict diet no pasta, bread, crackers, chips, tortillas (no carbs) and no snacking between meals not even fruit or veggies. Then he wants me doing a protein shake for breakfast. The bad news is I'm feeling the withdrawals of not having the carbs. Mood swings and going through bouts of feeling depressed. I really did not realize just how much I was addicted to carbs (the bread kind of carbs). If you think about it they are a part of most of our everyday life. Mexican food has the tortilla chips and then tortillas, Italian food pasta, Asian food rice or noodles, American food bread (sandwiches, hamburgers, etc). I've had to totally change my diet and start thinking out of the box. River has been very supportive and has been doing it with me. Well when we eat dinner together he will prepare food that I can eat and he will eat the same things. We've gotten rid of most of the carb food. We have a small amount of whole wheat bread but he can eat that (plus it isn't that bad for him in moderation).  I know each day will get better and I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but when you are addicted to something you just have to go through the emotions. I can't pretend to be or feel something I'm not. I'm so used to pretending that everything is just fine and shoving down how I really feel. It's not all roses right now. I mean I'm grateful for things and such but I just need to, for once, feel my emotions and go through them and not shove myself with food. I guess that is how I feel...sort of naked not having those carbs. I'm struggling... I'm admitting it but I am strong and working through it the best I can. The good news is I've lost 8 pounds since Thursday. So definitely something to be happy about. I'm very strong in regards to staying on track right now but I just really miss my carbs it is as if I have lost one of my best friends. Seriously.

The second appointment was with the internist. I got an EKG performed by the assistant and the actual doctor came in shortly thereafter. He said my EKG was fine (which I didn't have any doubts about). He then asked if I was exercising. I told him the truth that I'm not doing much due to the awful pain in my knee. I do what I can but it isn't much. He then said he COULD NOT clear me for surgery. I just wanted to cry right there. He said he wants me to exercise 4-5 days a week for 45 minutes a day. He then wants me to fax him in 3 weeks and then he will clear me for surgery. I was so upset. I understand he has my best interest at stake BUT what is 3 weeks going to do? Especially since I have another 3-4 months until my surgery. How many people can go from exercising not much to 45 minutes in 3 weeks? When I was doing medifast and working out it took me months to go from where I was to doing an hour and my knee pain wasn't as severe.  How many people are wheelchair bound and have the surgery?  I mean I'm not 200 pounds. I know water aerobics is an option BUT it is going to take time to find the right fit (which I researched tonight). Find a pool that is heated and has a water aerobics class before or after my work hours. It is soooooooo hard to find a water aerobic class that isn't during business hours. Most of the classes are during the time I need to be at work. So frustrating! In any event I have started on my wii sports. My arms have been sore so I know I am doing something right. My husband and I have a lot of fun too. I'm working on finding a pool. Finally, I'm trying to walk more but again the pain is so intense it is just so hard. I'm sort of in a catch 22. Doing what I can though. Oh yeah... just got the shake weight and doing that 6 minutes every day. I did feel the burn tonight!

The last appointment was the psych evaluation. Pretty standard and normal other than the random math problems she was having me doing. I thought it was weird and other people that are in my class that have gone to their appointments had different people and didn't do the math equations. Just really odd. I was put on the spot and couldn't get a single equation correct. Well maybe a few. LOL. But she said I was just fine.

So all in all I'm cleared other than the exercise and thyroid.  So in reality I guess I'm not cleared at all. It is in my calendar to fax that internist as soon as the 3 weeks is here, trust me. I am truly working on that part as well.

Tonight was a lot of research on pools in the area. If anyone knows of a heated pool with a program with water aerobic exercises in the San Diego area (Carmel Valley /Del Mar) please let me know. It needs to be heated due to my arthritis in my knees not to mention I would not be motivated to get in a cold pool (especially if it is cold out). An indoor pool would be ideal but I'm not getting too picky. Salt water would be even more ideal but again I'm not going to be picky. In my research I came across water therapy and water massage and water tai-chi. The sessions look amazingly wonderful but are a bit pricey. But I may treat myself just once to try it out. It looks very peaceful but can get a good work out too. If I try it I will let you know what I think of it.

Well I am going to end it here. I hope I have kept your attention. Please continue to pray for me. I'm nervous about the "nodule" on my thyroid. I keep thinking positive and that it is going to be nothing but there is always that part of me that likes to freak out. Also prayers in regards to keeping me strong and away from carbs would be great. So far I have had followed my surgeons diet to the T and I would like to continue that.

Thank you all for your support!